Turn Table Turn/Transcript

	Title card: a Netflix Original Series - Soundtrack "You've Got Time"
	In the TV room, the inmates are watching the news, and see Judy King and Black Cindy's kiss.
Reporter	A surprising development in the Judy King saga...this photo, leaked from inside Litchfield Correctional Facility, catches the Queen of Cuisine in a romantic embrace with an African-American inmate.
Suzanne	Woah!
Reporter	This undermines the allegations of racism that have been swirling [Taystee laughs] the discovery of an offensive 1983 cable acces video. [A video appears on screen of Judy's racist TV show] The identity of the inmate remains unknown.
Taystee	[Taystee cheers] Okay, y'all, so what y'all gonna do with y'all cash money?
Poussey	[Hugging Soso] Yo, I'm gonna take my girl to Amsterdam.
Suzanne	Rent a bounce house in the shape of a frog.
Taystee	I'm gonna follow D'Angelo around like them white people be following that band Phish, where they spell "fish" wrong. What about you, Watson?
Watson	Oh, you know. Probably spend most of it on rims. [Taystee looks disappointed in Janae, Janae winks at Suzanne, everyone laughs]
Black Cindy	Y'all, we ain't think this shit through.
Watson	Man, stop crying about it already.
Taystee	You was so hyped about being famous and...
Black Cindy	Okay, first of all, some brown puffs are famous. Not me. And two, how do you think this is gonna play upstairs?
Suzanne	Are you talking about...God?
Black Cindy	I'm talking about Caputo.
Poussey	Yo, don't even worry about it, man. We got Judy on our side.
Black Cindy	Y'all still ain't getting it, are you? She used us. Now, she out there lookin' post-racial as shit, and I'm about to get a boot up my black ass.
Suzanne	Lesbians...[To Poussey and Soso] Am I right?
	Scene change - CO staff room, Piscatella is showing the picture to the CO's
Piscatella	What the Hell is this? Anyone want to fill me in? Who was on Judy King duty today?
Coates	It was me, but she told me to get lost. She said she doesn't need a babysitter anymore.
Piscatella	[Looking at the image] Well, I can see why.
Coates	I tried to stay, but she got really irritated, and Caputo told us to keep her happy so...
Piscatella	As far as I'm concerned, she's his problem to deal with now. But what I want to know is how this photo got out.
Luschek	Eh. You know inmates. Always up to something.
Piscatella	Right. Well, guess what time it is, people. It's time for a phone sweep.
Bayley	Oh no. Sir, I don't think that'll help. You know, they'd hide their shit in, like, places you wouldn't think to look...
Piscatella	Well, start thinking...and looking.
Bayley	Okay.
Luschek	You're talking about dismantling every electrical appliance, lifting up the ceiling tiles, and getting into the HVAC system.
McCullough	Snaking the drains, tearing apart all the mattresses.
Stratman	I...I hear they hide their shit in shit. Like, in the porta potties. For real. It's nasty.
Piscatella	Oh, I'm sorry. I...I didn't realise this was going to be hard. You know what? Instead, let's just...go over to my place and watch Bacherlorette.
Bayley	[Nods] Okay.
Piscatella	Why don't you head this one up, Luschek? Think of it as your chance to impress me. Oh, and one more thing. CO Mooney down at MAX says the SHU's almost full. There's one or two more cells left. That's it. Which means we can't be sending people down there all willy-nilly. Pell-mell.
Stratman	So, what are we supposed to do?
Piscatella	[Picking a doughnut out of the box] Go freestyle. [Piscatella leaves]
Luschek	I put that doughnut in my pants. [Bayley snickers]
	Scene change - The yard, Maria's gang are sitting
Ouija	Now there's a bunch of white girls pushing back on us in the TV room. We gave 'em Tuesday nights, straight up. Now they asking for an extra hour on Thursday so they can watch something called Bones, which is about a lady called Bones, apparently?
Maria	Give it to them.
Pidge	You just gonna bend like that?
Maria	We got power now. We can't be petty and shit. They come to us, we should be reasonable. Also, I want order in the cafeteria. Don't be marching in there, taking people's tables. That ain't fair.
Zirconia	We gotta sit.
Maria	So pick out a couple of tables. Make them our tables. Anybody sits there, it's trouble. They sit somewhere else, [Turning to Zirconia] we leave them alone. You hear me? We don't need the COs lookin' at us all the time.
Blanca	[In Spanish] They already look at us all the time. While they're frisking us.
Maria	Anybody else? Okay, we're done. [Maria leaves] Oh, and if that Moroccan tweaker doesn't pay us today, we start breaking fingers.
Zirconia	Dibs.
Blanca	[Running up to Maria] Yo, the stop and frisk is bullshit.
Maria	I hear you, but they ain't gonna find anything. It's no problem.
Blanca	[In Spanish] It's fucking degrading!
Maria	[In Spanish] Being in prison is fucking degrading! There's nothing we can do about it, so let's suck it up, okay? They're not even really looking for anything now.
Blanca	[In Spanish] Exactly! They're just groping us to show us they can. It's not right.
Maria	[In Spanish] Let it go, Blanca! [In English] Oh, and take a shower, man! You smell like a skunk that OD'd on vinegar and died!
Blanca	[In Spanish] The lines in the bathroom are too damn long.
Maria	There's a lot of us now. Go now. There's no lines. I'll cover for you in the kitchen.
Blanca	[In Spanish] Thank you.
	Flashback - Millie's bathroom, Blanca is taking a shower happily, here she is well groomed and clean
Millie	[From downstairs] Bianca? [Blanca sighs, and continues] Bianca! [Blanca ignores her] BIANCA!
	Scene change - Millie's living room, Blanca makes her way down the stairs
Blanca	Yes, missus?
Millie	I'm hungry.
Blanca	I was in the shower.
Millie	Well, I don't know what to tell you. I got hungry. [Blanca makes her way to the kitchen, she goes to put a bowl of soup into the microwave] And heat that soup up on the stove, not the microwave! It tastes different! [Bianca sighs, after it's finished, she hands it to Millie on a tray] Margaret called.
Blanca	Oh.
Millie	Too busy to talk to her own mother more than once a week, and then when she does call, she won't stop harping on the nursing home. [Blanca is bored by the conversation] You can't call a structure covered in spray-on stucco "Golden" anything. [Blanca folds her arms and slumps] I'm speaking to you! Please don't stand there like a half-wit.
Blanca	She worries about you.
Millie	Oh, not about me. About herself. She wants to get her hands on this house. Pack me off to watch Wheel of Fortune and drool with other unloved old people. No, thank you.
Blanca	She seemed nice.
Millie	Of course she did! You only met her that one time. That's how she acts, you know...[Imitating Margaret] "Oh, I want you to have doctors nearby in case you need them." It's all for show.
Blanca	What do you tell her?
Millie	Same as usual. "I'm staying right here in my own home. Go take a long walk on a short pier." [Blanca hears an engine whirring] And I have you, that's all I need. [Blanca walks over to the window, Blanca sees the gardener, who she takes interest in, he does the same]
Blanca	Who's that?
Millie	A bit of a hood for my taste, but, uh, Patty from church says he worked wonders on her shrubs. This soup is terrible.
	Present day - The cafeteria, Red's family are eating.
Piper	I'm starving, but the actual thought of eating makes me want to yurg.
Alex	Well, maybe it's because this food looks something like a walrus would regurgitate to feed it's least favourite baby.
Lorna	You know what? I don't mind it so much anymore. I did grow up eating mushy food, because my mother had the weak teeth, you realise.
Alex	Is it, like, super bright in here?
Piper	Do you know what I want? A burger...from Shake Shack.
Alex	I legit just, like, teared up a little bit. Seared on the grill with tomato and melted cheese...
Piper	On a fresh, soft, potato roll.
Alex	With a milkshake.
Piper	Nah, don't get greedy.
Alex	It's my fantasy. And I can have a milkshake with a side of Cate Blanchett.
Piper	My veins hurt right now and you're thinking about sex?
Alex	No, dummy. I want someone to massage my head, and she looks like she'd have really cool fingers.
Lorna	[Notices Nicky hasn't said anything and has her head on the table] Hey, there. You're really being a bit of a downer.
Nicky	I'm sorry. Is my mood not up to your standards? No one asked you to plop yourself down right in front of me.
Lorna	I'm sitting here 'cause we're all friends.
Nicky	Okay, is that what we are now?
Lorna	You need to stop blaming me for finding someone, hon.
Nicky	Mmm-hmmm.
Lorna	It's not like my feelings for you just went away.
Nicky	But I...didn't just jump into the first pair of Mookee pants that came along.
Lorna	I have no idea what you did...but you sure as fuck did something, because you can't keep your head up right now.
Nicky	Don't try to change the subject, okay? It's been, like, months and how do you even meet someone...let alone get married...
Lorna	Okay, stop. Stop it. Stop it. You left. You were the one who left, right? I didn't know if you were coming back. And it's your fault because you love heroin more than me.
Nicky	For your information, I was clean at the time, you peanut-brained, fickle-hearted whore. So... [Red comes over]
Red	So, how is everyone?
Piper	Oh, you know. Pretty awesome. [Nicky scoffs, Red looks around the table, then at Nicky]
Lorna	[Gets up] She's on drugs, Red.
Nicky	Oh, God.
Lorna	Just take a look at her. She's smacked out of her gourd. [No one reacts] What, are we all gonna pretend this isn't happening? [Red leaves, Lorna scoffs, Nicky gets up and leaves]
Alex	Feels like a "yes". [Sister Ingalls holds her food obviously as she leaves the cafeteria]
Coates	Food stays in the cafeteria, Sister. You know that.
Sister Ingalls	I'll do what I want, you moron. You fucking moron.
Coates	[Coates is confused by Sister Ingalls's behaviour] I think your blood sugar might be off again, Sister.
Sister Ingalls	Oh, you think? With your teeny-tiny brain?
Coates	[Walks over to Sister Ingalls, whispering] Look, just take it, okay? And don't tell anyone. [Sister Ingalls looks annoyed]
	Scene change - Phone area, Lorna storms out the cafeteria and passes Angie Rice
Lorna	You know, if you're gonna poop in the shower, at least you could plan ahead. Like, do it in a shower cap, and take it with you after. Just common decency. But you wouldn't know anything about that, would you? I mean, I know for some people, drugs is the most important thing. But guess what? For the rest of us, we have feelings. And noses, and gag reflexes. And janitorial is hard enough without you leaving your mess behind, once you found what you been looking for. And I think you might have worms. So deal with that. [Angie gasps]
	Scene change - Cafeteria, Flaca and Maritza are playing a game
Flaca	Okay, gun to your head...
Maritza	Mmm-hmmm.
Flaca	...do you run over an old lady, or do you turn the wheel and crash yourself into a wall?
Maritza	How old is the old lady?
Flaca	76. No, 72.
Maritza	How's her health?
Flaca	You know, it's been better. But she's all there in her head. You know, she does puzzles and shit.
Maritza	I think I mow her down.
Flaca	Me, too. [Humphrey is standing behind them, listening]
Maritza	Gun to your head, do you eat 10 dead flies...
Flaca	Ugh!
Maritza	...or a live baby mouse?
Flaca	Mmm! Flies for sure!
Maritza	Gross! The wings would stick to your tongue and your tonsils and everything.
Flaca	Yeah, but at least it wouldn't be wiggling no more!
Maritza	A baby mouse is like a big jelly bean. I would just swallow it whole. [Flaca notices Humphrey]
Flaca	Speaking of flies on the wall...
Humphrey	[To Flaca] Hey, watch out for this one. She's more than meets the eye.
Flaca	Mmm, I don't know about that. I mean, we've been friends for a long time and as far as I can see, it's all pretty much right here.
Humphrey	I guess you don't know her like I do. [To Maritza, in Spanish] You got something going on with the van, don't you, princess? [Humphrey leaves]
Maritza	[Flaca holds Maritza's arm]
	Scene change - Luschek walks through the corridor
Judy	Did you get the money?
Luschek	No. They've not sent the cheque yet. And I think he knows. He's toying with me. Ordered me to search for a phone that's currently in my pocket.
Judy	No, I don't think that man toys.
Luschek	Oh, I have a shifty face. I can't help it. I come from shifty-faced people. I invite suspicion even when I'm not guilty. Man, if they trace this thing to my fucking number.
Judy	Joel. They are just a bunch of bozos who failed Police Academy.
Luschek	They've been to war!
Judy	Inside Weekly has a vested interest in protecting their sources. You know, I gotta tell you, this pissin'-in-your-pants thing is kind of a turn off.
Joel	Well, at least there's that.
	Scene change - Blanca makes her way to the toilets for a shower.
Blanca	[Clicks tongue and prepares to be frisked by the COs]
Blake	DeMarco. That's Italian, right?
Anita	Nah, I'm 100% Hispanic. Don't let the classical features fool you. I could be up to anything. [Presses her hands against the wall]
Blake	Okay.
Anita	Take your time. [Blake starts patting Anita down] Ay, caramba.
Stratman	[Blanca comes over to Stratman, who prepares to pat her down] Jesus Christ, inmate!
Blanca	I'm going, okay?
Stratman	Yeah, get outta here. Maybe boil those clothes. [Blanca leaves and smirks]
	Flashback - Blanca and Diablo go to take Millie to the car, Diablo carries Millie
Blanca	[In Spanish] Truth is. I don't know what I'd do without you, Dario. You make it so much easier.
Diablo	[In Spanish] For you, it's my pleasure. [Dario puts Millie in her wheelchair] No one calls me Dario, you know?
Blanca	[In Spanish] What do they call you?
Diablo	[In Spanish] Diablo. I was a little wild when I was younger. Went to jail for a while.
Blanca	[In Spanish] What for?
Diablo	[In Spanish] Armed robbery. We hit up a jewelry store.
Blanca	[In Spanish] A jewel thief? Oh, so you were a bad boy.
Millie	[In English] I can't understand what you're saying. It's rude
Blanca	Let's get you in the car, okay? [Blanca unlocks the car, she and Diablo put her inside]
Diablo	[In Spanish] But...you aren't scared of me...are you?
Blanca	[In Spanish] I killed her husband. [Blanca smiles, the two laugh] Okay, not really.
Millie	Careful.
Blanca	[In Spanish] But sometimes I wish I'd done more exciting things. Not murder. But...what do I know? Something more. Travel, for example. I've never been to New York City.
Diablo	[In Spanish] Ah, good. There's still time, you know?
Blanca	[In Spanish] I live with an old lady. [Diablo puts the wheelchair in the boot] I have to send money back home. Mmm. Mmm-mmm.
Millie	[Knocks on the window of the car] Bianca! Why are you loitering? Let's go!
Blanca	Just a minute!
Diablo	[In Spanish] Why does she call you "Bianca"?
Blanca	[In Spanish] She read my name before she met me and she thought the "L" was an "I". Now she says she likes it better.
Diablo	[Laughs, In Spanish] That's fucked up.
Blanca	[In Spanish] What do I care, right? [Diablo goes to kiss Blanca, but Millie bangs on the window]
Millie	I'm waiting! Get in the car!
Diablo	[In Spanish] So...we'll see each other. [Blanca nods]
	Present day - Luschek and McCullough are finding phones in the kitchen
Luschek	Score! That's six phones for me. [McCullough shows Luschek the phone she found]
Daya	[Walks in and sees Aleida reading a magazine] This is new.
Aleida	It's my "me" time.
Daya	You get out in two days. You gonna have all-you-can-eat "me" time.
Aleida	And I'm gonna need it the way you're up in my ass in here. Look, just 'cause I'm getting out, don't mean we gotta get all "Kumbaya" and shit right now, okay? There's gonna be no crying or making each other friendship bracelets or whatever.
Daya	I just thought we could hang out. Burn your ugly face into my brain...so I can remember you when it's too peaceful around here.
Aleida	[Scoffs] Please. Don't pretend like you ain't gonna be relieved when I'm gone.
Daya	Oh, trust. There's gonna be a party when that van door closes on your ass. [Daya sighs] But you're still my mom. I'm gonna miss you.
Aleida	Listen, we're grown-ups. It is what it is. [Daya leaves, Aleida sees Luschek eating something from the kitchen]
	Scene change - Caputo's office, Caputo has called Judy King and Cindy Hayes in.
Caputo	[Caputo puts the news article from earlier on his desk and shows Cindy and Judy] Tell me what you know about this.
Judy	Hmm. [Leans in]
Black Cindy	[Clicks tongue] Nothin'. [Caputo looks at Cindy] What, you think that's me?
Caputo	[Caputo looks at the article, and then back at Cindy] Let's call it a hunch.
Judy	All right. How 'bout you let me take this, okay, hun-bun? [Taystee looks in from her office] Now, we are both as upset as you are about this, I can assure you.
Caputo	You know, we have done our best, with very limited resources...[Caputo looks at Taystee] to try and...make you comfortable here.
Judy	Now, I appreciate that, I really do. [Caputo gets up and pulls the shutters down, Cindy laughs]
Caputo	And you repay us by staging and selling...this...this crazy photo?
Judy	Look, I...I don't wan't to sound like I'm full of myself...[chuckles] but, you know, there are people out there, and, in here, in this case, who are interested in taking pictures of celebrities, even minor ones such as myself.
Black Cindy	Mmm-hmm. It ain't her fault the paps after her like a Jolie-Pitt baby.
Caputo	Ah. You're saying you had no knowledge of this photo being taken.
Judy	I'm just living my life, Mr. Caputo. And while I am aware that a jailhouse romance is discouraged...sometimes...[Sighs] you just can't fight your passions. [Judy strokes Cindy's hand] Now, I'm sure that you are no stranger to the vagaries of love.
Caputo	Jesus, Judy, give me a break here.
Judy	[Inhales deeply] The heart wants what it wants. [Cindy puts her hand on Judy's]
Caputo	And you're telling me...that your heart wants...[Points at Cindy]...her?
Judy	Mmm-hmm.
Black Cindy	What, you ain't never heard of a May-December romance before?
Judy	I think it's more like June-October. [Chuckles]
Black Cindy	I'm the sexy arm candy here and Judy Pants is my aging playboy. It's classic.
Caputo	I hear you walk out of here and went your separate ways, I will come down on both of you like The Wrath of Khan.
Black Cindy	Like in Star Trek?
Caputo	I mean God. The wrath of God. This better be the real thing.
Judy	Hey, this is a lot of pressure to put on a new relationship.
Caputo	In your case, I'm sure it'll just bring the two of you closer together.
Judy	I think so, yes. My girl. [Cindy and Judy go for a hug]
Caputo	Please leave.
	Scene change, outside the CO's houses. Maritza drives the van up. Blake exits and un-tucks his shirt. He opens the cooler box and pours the water out. Dixon stays in the car with Maritza
Dixon	[Sighs] Guess I could grab a beverage while we're waiting.
Maritza	I ain't telling you what to do, but I kinda feel like staying sharp and letting them get messed up early is the only way you're gonna dominate beer pong later.
Dixon	Maybe you're right. [Blake pours a new batch of ice into the cooler, Maritza sees Alonso coming up the hill]
Maritza	You ever think about how it's weird there's always a gardener around when there's a whole grounds crew that basically works fro free?
Dixon	You're right, that is weird. [Sniffs]
Maritza	Also he has really nice shirts...for a gardener. [Dixon finally clocks it and gets out of the van]
Dixon	Hey, you! [Alonso looks up] Yeah, you! Stay right there! [Blake chases after Alonso into the forest, Alonso trips over a log and falls, Blake tackles Alonso to the ground]
Blake	Why are you running?
Alonso	[Panicking] No reason! [Blake pulls Alonso up, Dixon finally catches up]
Dixon	What are you, some kind of perv? Trying to jerk it through the fence to some prison tang? I see you around here again, you'll be shitting your own teeth, Pablo. [Blake throws Alonso away, Maritza looks relieved]
	Scene change - Construction site, Digori and Brandy are working by the cement mixer.
Digori	What's this thing supposed to be, anyway?
Brandy	I thought Caputo said it was supposed to be a school or somethin'.
Digori	Fuck that. I don't want anyone stickin' anything in my brain I didn't give say-so for.
Brandy	We can all stand to learn stuff, I guess.
Digori	Come on. They're gonna send some volunteer college derp with a straight part who's gonna get all Dangerous Minds when it turns out you can't read.
Brandy	You can't read?
Digori	I mean, I probably can. I'm not stupid. I just choose not to. [Brandy gives Digori a look] Well, that's how they get you. With words. They put ideas in the words that make you start thinking.
Brandy	I never thought about it that way.
Digori	Yeah. Well then, all of a sudden you're like, "What if other people are having these experiences that are different to mine but still totally legit? And what if I'm supposed to think about that before I start judging their lives."
Brandy	That's...chaos.
Digori	Yeah. No, thank you.
	Scene change - Alex standing outside the prison, Piper walks up to her.
Piper	Should we do something about Nicky?
Alex	Like what? [Piper rubs her elbow] Look, it's not like I don't care. I've just seen it before, you know? You can't make them change unless they want to, and if you try they usually end up hating your guts.
Piper	I really think we shouldn't have done...you know, crack. With her. [Alex scoffs]
Alex	Well, yeah. I mean in hindsight. Although, to be fair...crack is like potato chips to Nicky. A little something to slake out your appetite while you're figuring out dinner. [Alex taps Piper]
Piper	[Noticing Bayley] Speaking of dinner. [Piper points over, both of them act sensually around Bayley] CO Bayley.
Bayley	[Walking over to Piper] Chapman.
Piper	Hi!
Alex	Hmm...
Piper	Vause and I were thinking, since you're such a super-nice guy and so good at moving things across enemy lines...
Bayley	What do you want now?
Alex	A burger.
Piper	Two, ideally. One for each of us.
Alex	With cheese, yep.
Piper	Cheese is key.
Bayley	Uhhh...yeah.
Piper	Really?
Bayley	Sure. Oh, but first I get a handjob. [Alex groans] You know, from before. The panty thing. You basically owe me.
Piper	Hmm....[Bayley winks and leaves, Alex waves] They grow up so fast. [Scene change, Water Tank, Pennsatucky gets a cone for Boo]
	Scene change, Water Tank, Pennsatucky gets a cone for Boo
Pennsatucky	Boo. Hey.
Big Boo	[Stops shoveling] Oh, hey! [Boo notices the water] Oh, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. Give.
Pennsatucky	So...something kinda weird happened.
Big Boo	Oh, yeah? [Sniffs]
Pennsatucky	Donuts apologised.
Big Boo	[Laughs] Right.
Pennsatucky	No, he did, for real. He was really sweet about it.
Big Boo	Ooh. Well, good for him, huh? [Pennsatucky looks away and around] Oh, oh, hell, no. No, no, no, Doggett. That ain't the way this works. He doesn't get to constantly rape someone and then apologise and make it go away.
Pennsatucky	I'm not saying it's gotta just "go away". Boo, I am tired of walking around feeling shitty every day.
Big Boo	Fine, but guess what? He gets to feel shitty for the rest of his natural life. Oh, and beyond when he's a tandoori skewer in hell.
Pennsatucky	What if he's just a regular person who made a mistake? Right? I mean, come on, we both know I'm not innocent.
Big Boo	Yeah, but you never...Okay, you did shoot a human being with a hunting rifle. But she had it coming.
Pennsatucky	[Softly] No, she didn't.
Big Boo	I do not like where this is headed. [Putting her helmet back on]
Pennsatucky	Oh, Boo, he ain't goin' anywhere, okay? And we all live in here together. And I'm really tired of walkin' around like a dog with a mange.
Big Boo	[Furiously] YOU SHOULD HAVE RAMMED THAT BROOMSTICK RIGHT UP HIS SPHINCTER WHEN YOU HAD THE CHANCE!
Pennsatucky	You know, the thing is, I really liked him before all this happened.
Big Boo	If you go back to giving that maggot the time of day, I swear to fuckin' God, Doggett, to God. I'm done with you! [Big Boo goes back to shoveling] Fuckin' kiddin' me with this shit.
	Scene change - McCullough and Luschek are looking for phones outside, Luschek goes to unscrew the time sign.
Sister Ingalls	[Walks outside with a cigarette] How's it going, kids? [McCullough walks over]
McCullough	You're sure feeling frisky today.
Sister Ingalls	I've transgressed, and I'm ready to accept my punishment. [Sister Ingalls raises her wrist, McCullough takes the cigarette and takes a drag on it, Luschek finds a phone]
Luschek	Yo, McCullough. I believe this makes the score 11 to 8.
McCullough	God damn it. Uh, say a dozen Hail Marys or something. [McCullough stubs out the cigarette, Sister Ingalls is visually frustrated]
	Scene change - Visiting room, Lorna and Franny, her sister, sit talking about Franny's visit with Vince
Franny	It was actually super nice, we went to Starbucks in Hoboken. Did you know you can get a Frappuccino there that tastes just like Fruity Pebbles.
Lorna	[Looking anxiously] Get out.
Franny	It's on the secret menu. Vince told me about it.
Lorna	Oh, that's nice. Did he talk about me?
Franny	Oh, of course, he did! Kept saying how much he misses you.
Lorna	Well, if he misses me so much why'd he skip visitation? Why is he dodging my calls?
Franny	It's a long drive, Lorna! And he works. And the football just started, you know how boys are.
Lorna	I thought you were supposed to be on my side.
Franny	I am. I am. I'm just saying, you know. I think he's a real good person. Real sweet.
Lorna	[Leaning in] Did he mention anyone else?
Franny	Nothing like that. I mean, honestly, he seems kinda lonely.
Lorna	Good.
Franny	I invited him to our tailgate next weekend.
Lorna	[Offended] Really?
Franny	Why not? I figured he and Jack would get along.
Lorna	Oh, he and Jack?
Franny	Sure. He's so funny, that Vinny. [Chuckles]
Lorna	I know. I know he's funny. Because he's my husband, 'cause I married him, in case you forgot.
Franny	You asked me to go meet up with him.
Lorna	[Breathes deeply] What did you wear?
Franny	The usual. A top and a skirt.
Lorna	[Tearing up] Oh, my, God!
Franny	Oh...[Lorna stares at Franny]
	Scene change - Spanish Harlem, Pidge is massaging her foot, Ouija takes off her shirt, Blanc walks up
Blanca	[In Spanish] Guess who didn't get frisked today? [In English] This guy.
Pidge	What'd you do? Dress up like a book?
Blanca	No. [In Spanish] I didn't do anything. Including shower. [Zirconia walks over, Ouija smells Blanca and feels sick] If you stink, they don't touch you.
Ouija	Gross, man.
Blanca	Gross? [In Spanish[ I'm a rebel genius. The Che Guevara of hallway groping.
Ouija	[In Spanish] People already think Dominicans are dirty and low class. Where's your dignity?
Blanca	[In Spanish] If dignity for you is letting a guard stick his hand up your shirt, then be my guest.
Pidge	[In English] You, she do got a point.
Ouija	Oh, nah, B. I gotta shower every day, or I get stick between my tetas. [Blanca picks up a tin of sardines]
Blanca	You ain't gotta be dirty. You just gotta smell bad.
Ouija	I see. [In Spanish] A little behind the ears?
Blanca	They treat us like we're not people.
Pidge	[In English] I got these pudding cups from commissary and when I opened one, it was rancid. Smells like a fart died.
Zirconia	[Walks over] This pepper shit makes my eyes water. [Zirconia pours the bottle over her head, some goes in her eyes] Oh, shit. It burns! It burns! Shit! Ah! Shit! [All the Spanish girls start cackling]
	Flashback - Blanca and Millie work on a puzzle, Blanca looks insanely bored
Millie	Oh, come on! I've been looking for this church door for ten minutes and it was right there in your pile!
Blanca	Sorry. [Blanca looks over the balcony and notices a new gardener has been hired] Where's Dario?
Millie	I had to let him go.
Blanca	He did something wrong?
Millie	I felt he wasn't as focused as he should be.
Blanca	What are you saying?
Millie	I'm saying that you have a job to do, and he was a big distraction. And those tattoos. [Millie winces]
Blanca	You're jealous...because we had fun.
Millie	Fun? I saw the way he looked at you, dirty! You get involved with a person like that and you'll regret it sooner than later. I promise you. Now, I...I have to go to the little girls' room.
Blanca	That was his job. That's how he earns a living. He's a person. And I'm a person. I don't just live to work for you.
Millie	I'm not going to be around forever, honey. And I have half a mind to leave this house to you, if only to teach Margaret a lesson. So, you keep playing your cards right and you might be looking at a very bright future.
Blanca	[Scoffs] But I have to put my life and my hoo-ha in storage?
Millie	Don't be vulgar, Bianca. Now, I said, I have to pee! [Upset, Blanca goes to pick Millie up and puts her in her chair]
	Scene change - Spanish Harlem Bathroom, Maritza is doing her makeup, Maria walks in
Maria	Let's talk about how my cousin got tackled in the woods. He's burnt on this job now.
Maritza	Yeah, that's a downer.
Maria	Really? You wanna cut the attitude or should I come back with some friends?
Maritza	I got nothing to do with that, okay? I can't help what happens out there.
Maria	You think I'm some kind of shit-for-brains? You tell me you don't want to run no more and three days later the game blows up and there's no one around except you? [Flicks Maritza]
Maritza	That creepy guard was all up on it, you can ask Gonzalez. Lurking around, dropping hints and shit. It was gonna go jank any minute, I'm telling you.
Maria	Then you come to me about it. This is my business, and I make the fucking decisions.
Maritza	Oh, I know you do! And if he came after us, you would've decided to push me under the bus in one second, and walk away like you never even knew me, and don't even try to front like that ain't the truth.
Maria	Van. It's not a bus, it's a van.
Maritza	I saved you, and I ain't even Dominican. So if you wanna bruise me up, I guess I can't do much about it.
Maria	[Finally lost for words] Walk, Ramos! [Maritza takes her bag and leaves] Faster.
	Scene change - Rec Room, Piper and Alex are playing cards on the floor
Alex	Think about it this way...you have maybe five minutes of pig-in-a-blanket...for eight or nine minutes of pure burger bliss. Just don't look down or anything because if his dick looks like a chicken neck, you'll never unsee it.
Piper	Why are we assuming that I'm the one who's going to be doing it?
Alex	[Chuckles] 'Cause you're the straight one.
Piper	Fuck you. Guaranteed lifetime tally, you have given more handjobs than I have. Ten to one.
Alex	Only to get out of having sex.
Piper	Whereas I just had the sex. Ergo, this is your field of expertise.
Alex	You think this kid needs an expert? I seriously doubt he's a connoisseur. Also, you're the one who gave him the handjob idea to begin with.
Piper	Because society has conditioned me to see female sexuality as currency.
Alex	Right! And it's time to spend to spend a little in exchange for a burger.
Piper	Tocuhé. [Piper pauses]How're you doing?
Alex	[Sighs] Um, I mean I have nightmares, paranoia...sweaty, PTSD micro-flashbacks, but other than that...it's horrible.
Piper	I'm sorry I didn't believe you.
Alex	I did sound insane. I get that.
Piper	[Wrinkling her nose] I guess we're not gonna get those burgers, huh?
Alex	Probably not. Also because we could both use, like, a week where we don't do something pathetic and/or...morally incriminating.
Piper	Where your first thought in the morning isn't, "I have defiled myself in the eyes of God and man."
Alex	[Laughing] Imagine what that would feel like.
Piper	It's no melted cheese and onion. [Alex sighs]
	Scene change - Corridor, the guards are frisking the inmates
Dixon	[Finishes frisking an inmate] Next. [Zirconia walks over, smug] Woah! Man, I know Latina girls are meant to be spicy, but I had no idea it was this literal.
Stratman	[Frisking Pidge] You ever hear anything about a general fishiness? Hey!
Pidge	Hmm?
Stratman	You might want to check in with Medical, inmate. Hmm? [Pidge nods, and gives a little salute, and leaves, Blanca walks over] Ugh! I thought I told you to shower, Flores.
Blanca	Oh, yeah. I plan to get on that.
Stratman	[Coughs] This isn't BO. You've doused yourself in something evil. Is this some kind of game?
Blanca	Jenga is a game. This is civil disobedience.
Stratman	Yeah, well, it's over. Next time I see you, you smell like a goddamn daisy or your not gonna like what happens next.
Blanca	You can put me in jail, but you can't tell me what to do with my own body.
Stratman	And yet, it's happening. Go get cleaned up, with soap! [Turns to all the inmates] And I'm not messing around. I'm talking to all of you. [Pushes Blanca]
	Scene change - Judy and Yoga Jones' room, Black Cindy and Janae are sitting with Judy.
Judy	...So, I said, "Now listen, you limey bitch."
Black Cindy	Ooh! [Janae chuckles]
Judy	"You steal another one more of my recipes from me and I'm gonna have to put you through the grinder attatchment to you KitchenAid Professional Series Mixer."
Watson	Oh, shit! Yo!
Black Cindy	Man, who knew Nigella was so basic?
Judy	And, you know, the truth is...she is awesome. I mean, we get high together sometimes and make out. Oh, and...
Black Cindy	Hmm...
Judy	...she has a dessert recipe called "Carribean Creams." I named it for her breasts when she took off her bikini top one time in Turks and Caicos.
Black Cindy	Chi! Chi! Chi! Chi! Chi! Chi!
Yoga Jones	Isn't it getting late?
Watson	Yeah. She's right, it's almost lights out. All right, well, peace, J-Kizzle! [Does an elaborate handshake]
Judy	[Speaks Italian]
Black Cindy	Hmm? Okay, I have no idea what that means. But, it's classy. [Turns and leaves] Later, girlfriend!
Yoga Jones	Lotta people hanging out here suddenly.
Judy	Yeah, well, it's nice to have friends. We are social animals, after all. [Picks up plates]
Yoga Jones	Yeah, it's just, we've got...some nice stuff in here. Aren't you worried about...stealing?
Judy	What, is that because they're blacks?
Yoga Jones	Of course not! It's because they're in prison! Stealing is what people do here. And because they're poor.
Judy	Now, I think you're getting a bit paranoid, Jonesy.
Yoga Jones	I'm telling it like it is.
Judy	And so what if they do steal? [Judy scoffs] MCC has given us all this stuff, it's not as if we deserve it any more than anybody else out there.
Yoga Jones	Exactly, when did you turn into Abbie Hoffman? [Judy scoffs again] You're as capitalist as they come.
Judy	Oh, I'm sorry, but this...[chuckling] is not capitalism. [Yoga Jones looks around]
	Scene change - Spanish Harlem, Aleida walks across the dorms, looking at her fan and playing with it, she enters Gloria's bunk
Gloria	[Chuckling] Now we're talking.
Aleida	I blew out all my commissary money. Figured you could use it when it gets all stank in here. [Aleida holds out the fan, Gloria takes it]
Gloria	Thank you. For real. What about you, huh? You gonna be okay out there?
Aleida	[Sighs] I have my doubts.
Gloria	Come on. You're like a cockroach, Diaz. When we're all dead you're gonna be crawling around the garbage, saying mean shit to the other roaches.
Aleida	[Aleida nods and sits beside Gloria] I gotta ask you a favour. Dayanara.
Gloria	You know I'ma look out for her.
Aleida	Don't let her get into trouble.
Gloria	She's a good girl.
Aleida	All the shit she's been through. This place could change her, you know? Turn her cold and mean.
Gloria	I ain't gonna let that happen.
Aleida	And even when you feel like giving up. Don't let her see nothing like that on your face. You gotta hold her up, you hear me? She's your daughter now. Long as you're in here.
Gloria	[Nods] Daughters.
Aleida	They're the fucking worst.
	Scene change - A Dorm Bathrooms, Red walks out of a stall, she goes over to the sink to wash her hands, she hears spluttering in the showers, Red walks over to the showers and pulls back the curtain.
Nicky	Well, look who it is.
Red	You're trying to get sent back to MAX?
Nicky	Oh, my God. Prison is prison, right?
Red	[Walks into the cubicle] What happened to you? [Nicky rolls her eyes] You stole from me to buy drugs.
Nicky	And, we're off. Yeah, okay. No, no, go ahead. Get all up in my eyeballs with your...fucknig angry Brando impression, okay? Uh...call me a loser. Cut me off from the family. [Softly] All right. Whatever you wanna do.
Red	[Starts sobbing] I failed you. I should have been watching. I should have known you were in trouble. And then you got taken away, and now...
Nicky	Please, just don't cry, Red.
Red	Look at you. You look like you're dead already!
Nicky	It was always hopeless. I am not your fault.
Red	Well, I played tough with Tricia, and now she's in the prison cemetery with her name spelled wrong. [Red sobs] Tell me what to do, Nicky. I don't know what to do. [Nicky starts crying]
	Scene change - Spanish Harlem, Blanca's room, Blanca goes past Gerrman's dorm
Blanca	What is that? Oysters?
Gerrman	[Gets up and walks over to Blanca] Want one? [Blanca sniffs the tin and rubs it under her ears]
	Flsahback - Millie's house, bedroom, Millie awakens, hearing loud panting and moaning, horrifyling, she sees Blanca and Diablo having vigorous sex on her sofa.
Blanca	OH! (Blanca moans and groans]
	Scene change - Litchfield Prison, cafeteria, Black Cindy and Judy walk in, holding hands
Coates	Hey, no touching.
Judy	Oh, okay. [Judy lets go of Cindy's hand] But be sure to let Mr. Caputo know that we were touching.
Black Cindy	Mmm-hmm. [Judy and Cindy walk to the line] Eh, so what's gonna happen when your Dukes of Hazzard lovin' cracker fans see that photo? Ooh, their Frito pie gonna fall right outta they mouths.
Judy	I say "Sorry about that."
Black Cindy	And that's it?
Judy	Mmm, pretty much. You know, you can cheat on your wife with hookers who indulge in your diaper fetish and still be the senator from Lousiana, so long as you apologise. See, that is the great thing about the love of Jesus.
Black Cindy	Oh, no, don't you start with me about that holy white evangelical bullshit. They a buncha hypocrites. Killing science and education and refusin' to marry the nice gay couples, but then bein' all "Rah-rah teh Holy Land" when they really think...that my people got horns and that we all gonna broil in hell.
Judy	Oh. Oh. Hold up. You're Jewish?
	[Across the cafeteria, Poussey takes her tray and meets Soso]
Soso	I cannot believe those posers just smokes us on the unspoken, interracial, prison couple power ranking.
Poussey	Well, we ain't about competition, all right? We just doing our thing. Our real thing.
Soso	I know. I'm not trying to sell us short or anything, but it's like they're Beyoncé and Jay-Z and we're just...Kim and Kanye.
Poussey	Yo, that hurts, I ain't gonna lie.
	[Across the hall, Pennsatucky takes her tray and walks past Big Boo, and walks past Angie and the rest of the White Power group, she joins them]
Angie	It's like, about this super-nerdy teacher, and, um, he finds out he has, like, terminal cancer. And so he starts making meth to make money for his family. But...except, he dyes it blue for some reason.
Digori	No, I would never do blue meth. That colour ain't natural.
Leanne	So what happens?
Angie	I'm guessing it goes wrong somehow.
Leanne	Man, we're missing out on all the best TV. [Pennsatucky looks over at Boo] I swear, I mighta cleaned up my act if I knew I was gonna end up in a place with only one network.
Sankey	Well, we got some basic cable. Like that show with the lawyers on USA.
Digori	Are they lawyers or are they FBI guys?
Leanne	The FBI guys were in Miami...
Angie	Uh, that's not Miami, it's Long Island.
Digori	Mmm-mmm. He's a doctor...or maybe CIA.
Sankey	So nobody's a lawyer?
Leanne	No, there are lawyers, for sure.
Pennsatucky	Man, I thought that was just one long show.
Angie	[Angie and Leanne laugh] Well, look who's not too good to knock trays with us hill trolls.
Sankey	Got tired of your butchy girlfriend?
Pennsatucky	She ain't my girlfriend.
Sankey	Suit yourself.
Digori	[Grunts] I heard that there is this show, that was like, just people shooting zombies.
Sankey	[Tapping Digori's hand] Yo, yo. You gotta check this. [All the girls look behind and see Judy and Cindy and Poussey and Soso acting affectionately together]
	[At the food counters, Gloria walks over with a tray, she sees Sister Ingalls doing something, but the counter is blocking her view, she looks down and sees her lighting a cigarette with a battery and tin foil]
Gloria	Listen, if your mind is starting to go, just tell me and I'll mercy break your neck, so you don't end up in Psych.
Sister Ingalls	You told me Crystal's case was stalled because we couldn't prove Sophia's in the SHU.
Gloria	And you think you could prove that?
Sister Ingalls	I know it's all isolation down there. But there's a shower facility, right? One that everyone uses at one time or another? If I can get word to her...
Gloria	I mean, I'm half-Catholic myself, but what you're talking about is a kinda miracle.
Sister Ingalls	I have a phone, with a camera. In a very uncomfortable place.
Gloria	[Scoffs] You are one crazy bitch.
Sister Ingalls	Thank you, Mendoza. I'm pretty scared, to be honest.
Gloria	The SHU's a scary place. [Gloria bends down] You wanna get sent down there, you can't be pulling this piddly shit. You gotta do something serious.
Sister Ingalls	I know. It's just that, I don't want to hurt anybody, you know? I wan activist, but always non-violent.
Gloria	Sometimes you gotta think about the greater good. [Sister Ingalls stands up and looks at Gloria. Sister Ingalls powerfully hits Gloria] Ow! Shit! Good for you! [Forced] Ow! Ow!
Coates	Tell me I didn't see what I just saw.
Gloria	No, this monster almost broke my jaw, officer.
Sister Ingalls	And I'd do it again, Latino!
Gloria	[Inmates gasp] Oh! Hell no! You need to get her out of here 'cause she is a threat to safety. Oh! [Gloria groans in "agony"] Shit!
Coates	Let's go, Ingalls. [Coates takes Sister Ingalls off to SHU, Sister Ingalls gives Gloria a thumbs up, Gloria nods]
	Scene change - Piscatella's office. Luschek walks in with a box of all the contraband phones, he drops it on his desk.
Luschek	Here you go. [Grunts]
Piscatella	I am pleasantly surprised.
Luschek	Yeah, I uh...I took the liberty of looking through them for that crazy photo, but uh, they're clean. Well, not clean. There's some gnarly snaps, but, uh, not the one we're looking for. So I guess some things will always be a mystery.
Piscatella	Hey, what's your background, CO Luschek?
Luschek	Uh...mostly Scottish. Some French fur traders, way back.
Piscatella	No, I mean, how did you end up here?
Luschek	Oh, uh, you know, attrition.
Piscatella	It's just...[Sighs] you should so clearly be working at a GameStop.
	Scene change - Cafeteria, the staff are cleaning up after eating. Blanca walks past Stratman.
Stratman	Woah! Are you for real, Flores? The fuck did I tell you?
Blanca	Oh, man. I don't remember. [Stratman grabs Blanca's arm and pulls her to the table]
Stratman	Get on it.
Blanca	[In Spanish] What am I, a goat?
Stratman	I said get up on the table, inmate. [Blanca climbs up on the table] Now, you're gonna stand there and you're gonna think about all the decisions that you've been making.
Blanca	Does that mean I don't have to go back to work?
Stratman	No, you're not going anywhere. Your job is to stand...[Stratman slams on the table]...on this table, until you're ready to quit dicking me around!
Blanca	[In Spanish] Well, dude...that could be a while.
Stratman	Call me all the Spanish names you want, mami. We'll see how you feel when your knees start give.
	Flashback - Millie's house, bedroom. Blanca walks in with coffee for Millie the morning after she and Diablo had sex.
Blanca	Morning. [Blanca puts the tray down for Millie] Coffee. Careful, it's hot. I microwaved it. [Blanca quickly opens the curtain, Millie winces] Problem?
Millie	[Defensively] No, no.
Blanca	Good, let's get dressed. [Blanca opens the wardrobe] Hmm, let's see. Maybe...pink today? Yes?
	Scene change - Outside the guard's huts, a CO gets out of the van.
Humphrey	Hey, Ramos. I have something for you.
Maritza	No, thanks. I'm cool.
Humphrey	Come in for a minute.
Maritza	I gotta be back at the warehouse to get towels and stuff for down the hill. [Humphrey glares at Maritza, Humphrey opens the door and gets out, Maritza does the same, he pushes her into the kitchen]
	Scene change - Guard Hut, Kitchen, Maritza is led into the kitchen by Humphrey, he shuts the door behind them. On the table is a shot glass with something inside and ten dark spots
Humphrey	It's your game. The one you were talking about with your friend. I thought we could play.
Maritza	This is disgusting.
Humphrey	You're the one who made it up. I thought you'd get a kick out of it.
Maritza	Well, I don't. [Maritza tries to leave, but Humphrey blocks her way]
Humphrey	You gotta pick one.
Maritza	You can't make me do this.
Humphrey	I think you're forgetting your situation.
Maritza	My situation is, you don't got nothing on me, now. Look around, you're not gonna find one thing. [Humphrey turns Maritza around to look at the game, Humphrey cocks a gun to Maritza's head]
Humphrey	Gun to your head. [Maritza gasps]
	Scene change - Suburbs, Alex and Maureen's dorm. Alex cuts a makeshift burger made of spam, bread and cheese.
Alex	It might not be Shake Shack, but it is 100% guilt free.
Piper	Here's to the off-brand Spam sandwich of righteousness.
Alex	Cheers. [Alex and Piper knock them together, they eat their sandwiches]
Piper	[After eating her burger] You know what? Fuck righteousness.
Alex	You make a valid point.
	Scene change - Red's office, Nicky walks in
Nicky	Uh, so here's the thing. I'm gonna get clean.
Red	[Takes off her glasses] Okay.
	Scene change - SHU, Sister Ingalls walks down the hallway, inmates are screaming wildly, she is shown her cell. She is pushed in by the CO, she goes to hold her cross necklace, but has had it taken off her.
Inmate	Yaaah!!
	Scene change - Cafeteria, Dixon and Stratman watch Blanca smirking on the table
Dixon	I mean, sure. It's a little Abu-Gharib-y...but...sure.
Stratman	Just came to me. Spur of the moment-like. We're gonna have to ride this out, now.
Dixon	For how long?
Stratman	Until she promises to behave. Look, I give it till dinner time, tops. [Blanca waves at Stratman]
Dixon	I don't know, dude. I feel like you mighta made a mistake. [Blanca stares at Dixon and Stratman]