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Trust No Bitch/Transcript

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Title card: a Netflix Original Series - Soundtrack "You've Got Time"
Movie evening. The inmates are watching No Reservations in the Common Room.
[Inmates laughing] 
Big Boo and Pennsatucky enter the room and join the others.
Big Boo

Sit, sit, sit. We don't give a shit about the movie.

Pennsatucky My heart is beating so fast right now.
Big Boo Bony, rat-faced son of a bitch deserved to grow an ass tulip. What in the fuck is wrong with us?
Pennsatucky We ain't rapey enough. I mean, I sure as hell don't wanna keep staring down that naked, hairy butthole and trying to pull apart them sticky cheeks.
Big Boo Do you think that he agonized over this like some little bitch? No. He planned his rape, and he raped his plan.
Pennsatucky He didn't plan it. At least not the first time. How do I know that he didn't feel bad? I mean, after he came? He could actually hate himself. 
Big Boo Well, he fucking should. He's a rapist.
Pennsatucky

Well, then maybe it's good that we didn't shove a carrot down his rabbit hole, 'cause we could be sitting here. hating on ourselves too, Boo. Face it... we ain't Swedish enough to be splitting his starfish. And I ain't a rapist. I ain't, and I feel good about it.

Big Boo Well, I hope that is a consolation tomorrow when you have van duty. 
Pennsatucky Shit. Oh. Maybe I'll drink that Mexican diarrhea tea that the fat chicolos make, and I'll be too sick to work.
Big Boo Yeah, that's great, but what about the next day, and the day after that and the next? He's got you. God, there's no fucking justice!
Pennsatucky Yeah, and I really don't like tea.
The door opens. Poussey enters the room. Alarmed. She pulls up her pants and looks truly desperate. She walks up to the first row and approaches Taystee and Suzanne.
Taystee Hmm?
Poussey I'm freaking the fuck out.
Taystee Relax, I'll catch you up. See, she's uptight, right, and he's this unpredictable sous chef--
Poussey No. Soso is dead in the library. For real, I think. Look, I walked in... 
Taystee Go find a CO.
Suzanne [Unplugs her ear buds] No, I wanna see. Where is she?
Poussey Will you please just come?
Suzanne [To Taystee] Can we see? [Folds her hands and begs] Oh, please, please, please, with extra sugar on top. Please, please...
Taystee Okay. [To Watson] You save our seats and tell me everything I miss.
Watson Fine.
Suzanne [Grins broadly] Dead bodies, dead bodies, dead bodies, dead bodies, dead bodies. 
Suzanne and Taystee stand up. Taystee's eyes stick to the film; Suzanne can't wait and goes ahead.
Poussey [To Taystee] Come on.
Scene change ─ Library. Soso lies dead still on the ground.
Taystee kneels down to her face. Poussey is very stressed and looks even more desperate than before. Suzanne is fascinated by the sight. Taystee feels Soso's pulse and checks her eyes.
Taystee [Blows air] She ain't dead.
Poussey She ain't?
Taystee I done seen enough dead to know alive.
Poussey [Sighs]
Suzanne [Groans]
Taystee discovers empty tablet cases and passes them to Poussey.
Taystee Here.
Poussey looks around and packs them into her bra. Suzanne keeps staring at Soso.
Poussey What we gonna do with her?
Suzanne [To Poussey] If only we had an invisibility cloak. Or an extremely deep and wide belly button.
Poussey Stop it.
Taystee Man, we need to make sure the girl don't go to Psych.
Suzanne No. Like. N-O, no. Psych's so bad. I wouldn't even wish it on the people running it. Although that would be poetic in its own way.
Taystee On my count, all right? One, two... [grunts] Watch her head, watch her head.
Suzanne Got it. Got it. I got it.
Taystee All right, you get the front. I got the back.
[Piano music plays]
Flashback
A young Soso is seen playing In the Hall of the Mountain King. Her mom walks in interrupting her.
Mom Three, four, and wrong! [Stops standing with her hands on her hips] Well?
Brook I played the final repetition and played directly into the coda.
Mom You thought I wouldn't notice? Do you know what happens to cheaters?

Brook

They go to hell.
Mom [Wags her head] Who told you that?
[Pause]
Mom Brook!
Brook Reverend Pat Roberts. I didn't watch TV on purpose. Jessica's parents always have The 700 Club on.
Mom And that's why Jessica never places at the science fair. There is no hell. There is no heaven. When we die, all that remains are the memories of our achievements. And cheaters are very quickly forgotten. Again. [Steps away] Play. And sit up straight!
[Soso starts again]
Scene change ─ Healy's home. Healy enters the kitchen and approaches his wife.
Healy Hey. You have a nice day?
Katya We went to Olive Garden.
Healy Well, I had a good day, too. Helped some inmates.
Katya Your Russian friend?
Healy Yeah, and an Asian girl. Had a case of jailbird blues. Hey... did you ever consider that you're technically Asian? Round-eyed Asian with blonde hair? [Grins]
Katya I'm Ukrainian. [Turns away]
Healy I'm making a joke.
[Pause]
Healy [Obejects clatter] You know, it wouldn't kill you to smile once in a while. It's not like I'm asking you to sleep in my bed... or bring me back leftovers of Lasagna Classico... which you pay for with my money, which you know I enjoy, which you never finish!
[Pause]
Healy [Speaking Russian] "I don't want to be a fat person." [Speaking English] You know what? I had a really good day today. I had a really good day today. And I just wanted to come home and share it with you... and you don't care. At all! [Speaking Russian] What do you really want from me?
Katya My freedom.
Sad piano music occures.
Healy [Gets teary-eyed] I think you and your mother ought to get an apartment. I'll help you pay for it.
Katya You would do that?
Healy I'm surrounded by women in captivity all day long. I don't need to come home to another one who feels like she's trapped in a cage. [Walks away]
Scene change ─ Showers. Taystee, Poussey and Suzanne discussing about Brook sitting in a shower cabin, still unconscious.
Poussey Well, what you waiting for? Why don't you... put your fingers down her throat?
Taystee Knowing what to do does not make me bottom bitch of the vomitorium.
Suzanne Maybe stick your fingers down your own throat. People see or hear other people puke, makes them wanna do it. Sympathetic vomiting.
Poussey [Scoffs] Just... Fine, we wasting time. Just fuck it.
Suzanne No, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. [Pulls the shower drain]
Taystee Eww.

Suzanne

Easier cleanup.
Poussey Yeah...
Suzanne Okay. Good. Go.
Poussey
Soso [Retching]

Suzanne

Yes.
Soso [Coughing] ... [Throwing up]

Poussey

Oh, Jesus!
Suzanne [Laughing]

Taystee

Ew!
Poussey Chunks! That's nasty!

Suzanne

Hmm, but look at all them pills.
Poussey Sympathetic vomiting. [Gigging] [Disappears into the next cabin]

Suzanne

Pull the drain.
Poussey [Retching]

Suzanne

[To Taystee] Now, should we stick a needle in her heart or something?
Taystee This ain't Pulp Fiction, and that ain't heroin

Suzanne

Well, why ain't she awake?

Taystee

'Cause she ate fistfuls of pills like they was Tic Tacs and she weighs three pounds.
Suzanne Good point.

Taystee

We gotta watch her and make sure she doesn't stop breathing, and if she does, we give her CPR.
Poussey [Stumbling back] Shit. Look, if that happens, man, you giving her the mouth-to-throw-up-mouth, all right? She okay?

Taystee

There's no blood in it, so that's good. [Slaps Soso]
Soso Huh.

Taystee

[Clicks tongue] She'll be fine. Man, why this shit gotta happen on movie night?
Poussey Anybody wants some cigarettes? [Lifting up the drain ] I found these hanging from the drain.
Scene change ─ Caputo and Danny Pearson in Caputo's car.
Caputo Relax. We go in, we make our case.

Danny

Uh-uh. With dad, we go in with one agenda, we come out excited to do the exact opposite. He's like a magical, manipulative wizard.
Caputo There is no way either of us are gonna walk out of there thinking it's okay to punish the victim of a hate crime. "Burset comes out of the SHU." That's out mantra.

Danny

"Burset comes out of the SHU."
Caputo There you go.

Danny

Yeah. "Burset comes out of the SHU."
Caputo "Butset comes of of the SHU."

Danny

Well, why don't we just drive back there and let her out ourselves?

Caputo

Okay, suppose we do that. Then what happens?
Danny We probably get fired.

Caputo

That's right. And then what?
Danny She gets thrown back in.

Caputo

But this time, there's no one around to help her. They'll bury her in there. You know that. Let's do this right.
Danny [Nodds] You're walking into the lion's den.

Caputo

I'm with a guy named Daniel
Danny [Chuckles] No one calls me that. And "Danny in the Lion's Den sounds like the name of a picture book for slow, home schooled kids.
Caputo [Snickers]
Danny Joe, he's my dad.
Caputo And he's wrong. You need to stand up to him, tell him that. He's gonna respect you for that.
Danny [Sighs]
Caputo And if he doesn't, he's your dad, he's still gonna love you.
Danny Man, you know nothing about WASPs.
Scene change ─ Recreation room, Angie, Norma, Leanne and Gina sit in a circle
Norma [Looks hopefully around for more members to join]
Gina Maybe you need to bust out the eggs again, like in the old days.
Leanne Norma doesn't need that voodoo shit.
Gina Well, maybe she does. I mean, no offense, Norma, but your latest gift seems to be making your gift disappear.
Leanne Those quitters and Norma's sheep. They're rats.
Angie Don't rats leave the sinking ship first?
Leanne Shut up, Angie. It's your fault everybody bailed.
Gina What did Angie do?
Angie I ruined my miracle by getting sent to the SHU. Which was seriously the worst thing that's ever happened to me. Even counting the time I smoked crack thinking it was meth, and then took four shots of Everclear and ate cat poop.
Gina [Stuttering] Maybe those quitter, rat-sheep girls are a little right. Like, if it was a miracle shouldn't she be in France- or Albuquerque or something?
Norma [Sighs]
Angie I'm sorry, Holy Norma. I didn't mean to mess it up. [Inhales sharply] You'll go back to making people cry, but in a good way, really soon.
Norma [Sighs]
Leanne [Whispering] Get out.
Angie [Sighs]
Gina [Gets up]
Leanne [Makes her way over to Norma and sighs] I heard a rumour we're getting new beds. Did your spirit friends have anything to do with that?
Norma [Norma gives Angie a "don't bother" action with her hand and sighs]
Leanne Look, people love a sign, you know? We're all looking for a clue that there's a reason for things, that everything's not all random and lonely, you know? Maybe focus on another miracle...one some dummy can't fuck up.
Scene change ─ The Suburbs. Flaca is waiting outisde Piper's bunk.

Piper

[Striding over to her bunk] What do you want, Gonzalez?
Flaca [Sighs] Straight-up gangsta, Chapman. Respect.
Piper I'm not the godfather.
Flaca No. You're taller and tighter.
Piper [Looks into Alex's bunk] It was business.
Flaca So what's it gonna take for me to get back in?
Piper Have you actually seen The Godfather? You're the sour-painted Luca Brasi. You sleep with the fishes.
Flaca I can help.
Piper You're dead to me. Basta.
Flaca Oh, come on, my mom is sick!
Piper Really? Is that the best you can come up with?
Flaca No! For real! She's got lymphoma, and the co-pays and shit are killing her faster than the cancer. [Sighs] I gotta be able to help her. But instead, I'm in this shithole barely making enough to pay for Pantene.
Piper [Sighs] I'm sorry.
Flaca Come on, Chapman. Please. I know you're a good person. And think of all that sweet potorro tang I'm wasting. I'm begging and I don't do that 'cause I got Latin pride and shit. But I'm begging you for this, 'cause it's real stuff going on.
Piper You start off at a lower rate than everybody else.
Flaca Thank you! Thank you! [Flaca goes in to hug Piper]
Piper No hugging. Mmm-mmm.
Flaca [Sighs, and returns to Spanish Harlem]

Alex

[Heads over to Piper after listening in to the entire conversation] It's none of my business, but you know that teardrop under her eye isn't real, right?
Piper You're right. It's literally none of your business. It's my business, and it's flourishing.
Alex How do you think that's gonna look? Bringing back the agitator-in-chief?
Piper Like I am a good and benevolent dictator.
Alex [Scoffs]
Piper Like King Wangchuck of Bhutan. He created the Gross National Happiness scale so his people would be content and remain loyal.
Alex And how did that work out for him?
Piper [Stares at Alex]
Alex Yeah. There's no such thing as a benevolent dictator, only a weak one, or a dead one.
Piper He did not die. He abdicated voluntarily.
Alex You know what I mean. You're letting the fox back into the hen house.
Piper You dumped me because I fired Flaca, and now you're criticizing me for bringing her back.
Alex I broke up with you because you were being gross, and now you're being stupid. That girl wants to fuck you over and get her prison cred back. But you're right. It's none of my business. Godfather knows best. [Alex leaves the bunk]
Scene change Kitchen, Aleida and Maria are dealing with the plastic bags of slop. Aleida stabs a knife into the bag and it spills all over the floor
Gloria Oh, shit! [Speaks Spanish]
Aleida What the fuck?
Red [Walks over to the girls] Well, can't make it worse.
Gloria Seriously? You feed people food from the floor, like we're fucking animals? Maybe we should all get down on our knees and lick it up?
Red [Comforting] Woah, woah, woah. I'm kidding. They doubled our order of slop this month, we can cover it. What's gotten into you?
Gloria It's not your problem.
Aleida She got man troubles.
Red Well, why didn't you say so? [Opens a tub of vegetables and pulls out a cucumber] Don't give it back when you're done.
Aleida Not that kind of man.
Red What other kind is there? [Red realizes her mistake and turns back to the tub and pulls out a beetroot]
Aleida The kind with tits.
Red Burset? They took her to Seg.
Gloria I've had enough. What's done is done. Let's not beat a dead horse.
Aleida Black Beauty was the one who beat you. You ask me, it got what was coming.
Gloria Uh-uh. Don't blame me for what happened.
Aleida I'm giving you credit.
Gloria You were the one that started spreading all those rumors about her.
Aleida So I'll take credit, too. Mission accomplished.
Red You two need to clean this up.
Aleida I'll get the mop.
Red Gloria, sometimes there's a mess. It happens. [Red leaves]
Gloria [To herself] Yeah.
Scene change ─ Visiting room, Lorna and Vince are sitting across each other, Vince looks visually distressed, and Lorna looks bored.
Lorna Something's the matter. I can tell. I got this talent for knowing when things are bothering people.
Vince Nothing's bothering me.
Lorna Yeah, something is. I can feel it in my elbow. [Taps her elbow] All the women in my family got the knowing elbow.
Vince Yeah, well, something's bothering you, too. I can feel it in my toe.
Lorna Which toe?
Vince [Gives a look to Lorna]
Lorna Oh, you're bluffing.
Vince All right, fine. You want me to say this?
Lorna Yeah.
Vince I think we should end this.
Lorna [Horrified]
Vince Oh, no.
Lorna No, that is not what I was thinking at all.
Vince It wasn't?
Lorna No, I...I was thinking how hard gravity had been on me 'cause I fell so far so fast for you. I was gonna tell you I love you, and I ain't said that to nobody, except this one guy before. You telling me you don't love me?
Vince It ain't got nothing to do with feelings, okay?
Lorna [Whimpers]
Vince I got crazy feelings for you. Pauly D, JWoww 2010 kind of feelings. But that's not problem, you know?
Lorna I don't get that!
Vince They couldn't act on them. JWoww had a boyfriend. You got prison. Well, there's nowhere to go. It's like blue balls, but for my heart, Lorna.
Lorna No, this is not happening. I...I was saving this for my vision board. [Pulls out a diamond ring magazine clipping] But all vision, no action kills Hamlet, Right?
Vince I guess. I don't really know.
Lorna It did. I saw the movie. [Pokes a hole through the clipping, then gets on the floor on one knee]
Vince Woah, woah. Come on, baby. What are you doing?
Lorna I love you, Vince Muccio. [Places the magazine clipping on Vince's finger] And I love everything that you've ever done for me, especially beating up that good-for-nothing Christopher, showing me what a real man looks like. I wanna spend my life with you...and I don't wanna wait.
Ford [Looking over to Lorna and Vince] Inmate! Back in your seat!
Lorna [Ignoring Ford] I want you to marry me.
Ford Morello, no touching! Back in your seat, now!
Lorna [Lorna finishes putting the "ring" on, and hops back in her seat with an apologetic wave to Ford] Well, don't leave a girl hanging. What do you say?

Vince

You are the most amazing girl I have ever met, Lorna Morello. I mean, it should be the guy doing the asking, but I gotta say there's something kind of hot about you down on your knees like that.
Lorna [Laughs]
Vince [Pauses] Yes.
Lorna [Gasps]
Vince Yes. Yes. I will.
Lorna Oh!
Vince I will marry you. I will marry you.
Lorna I swear, I'm gonna be...such a good wife. The best.
Vince The best.
Lorna I don't want you to go, but I think we should say goodbye so we can kiss. Yeah?
Vince Okay.
Lorna [Shouting] CO Ford, uh, we are done here. Can we say goodbye and maybe kiss a little, please?
Ford [Ford nods]
Lorna [Lorna and Vince shuffle and get up and kiss]
Vince [Moans]
Ford All right, wrap it up. [Ford is ignored] Morello, wrap it up!
Flashback ─ Lorna is at church communion, waiting in line
Father John The body of Christ.
Lorna [Looks at her parents]
Girl Amen.
Father John The body of Christ.
Girl Amen.
Father John The body of Christ.
Boy Amen.
Father John The body of Christ.
Girl Amen.
Father John The body of Christ.
Girl Amen.
Father John The body of Christ.
Lorna [Skips over to her parents]
Big Joe Ah, look at my little princess!
Stansie You got Christ in your body now, dolly. That means you got responsibilities.
Lorna I love this dress!
Big Joe What's in your hand?
Lorna I read in a magazine that white food makes you fat.
Big Joe You didn't eat your Eucharist? [To Stansie] She didn't eat her Eucharist.
Stansie You gotta eat the cracker, Lorna. The cracker's the whole point.
Lorna No, Mommy, the dress is the whole point! [Spins] Thank you, Jesus! Thank you, Jesus!
Scene change - Cafeteria, Red is sipping a drink. She notices Norma sitting alone, Gina arrives and sits opposite Red
Red Should I remain silent?
Gina Actually, I...I could use a nice chat. You ever believe in anything, Red?
Red Valentina Vladimirovna Tereshkova. Her father drove a tractor and her mother worked in a textile plant, and she went into outer space in a rocket ship. First woman to do that, I worshiped her.
Gina What happened?
Red Nothing, I still think she's terrific. She's in her 70's now and she wants to go to Mars. Put in a request with Putin. Russians stay focused. [Norma gives a friendly look to Red, Red shrugs it off, Angie and Leanne are sitting with Norma now]
Angie This doesn't feel like the good kind of silence.
Leanne [Playing with her food] It's not.
Angie [Sighs] At least it's bread day. And it's so over toasted, you could pretend it was a cracker.
Leanne [Looks at the bread] Wait. [Stares at the bread, she looks up at Norma then down to the bread and smiles] I never doubted you, not for a second! [Leanne passes the bread to Angie] Gently, gently. Hold it up. [Angie holds it next to Norma's face] It's her! It's exactly her!
Angie [Suddenly realizes, she drops the toast in awe] Oh, my Norma!
Leanne Careful! [Leanne brushes the toast] It's Toast Norma. It's a miracle. Toast Norma! Toast Norma! [Norma takes the toast, but doesn't see her face on it]
Angie It's like one of those 3D poster thingies from when we were kids. You gotta wait a second to see it.
Leanne Praise be to Norma. Her image has been emblazoned by the universe unto toast[Gina takes notice] as a reminder of her power and goodliness here on this earth.
Red There's never any dignity at the end.
Gina Yeah, I'm gonna check it out.
Red Gina. Gina...[Gina gets up] Don't be a fool. I have a birthmark on my left buttcheek that's shaped like a scarab. Doesn't make me Cleopatra.
Babs Yo, Norma, you in their toast! [Gina runs over to the crowd]
Gina What's going on?

Leanne

Gaze upon the glory of the toast.
Babs You in the toast.
Leanne Look at that.
Gina Yeah, I don't see it. It...Oh, holy mother, there it is in, in the burn marks.
Leanne Yeah!
Babs Oh, it's beautiful.
Leanne It's a gift. It's a gift. [Norma looks over to Red, who rolls her eyes]
Angie It's a gift! Thank you. Thank you, Norma.
Gina It's so crazy.
Leanne Toast Norma.
Angie It's a miracle.
Gina Norma, it looks just like you.
Angie It's a real miracle. [Suzanne and Taystee have been watching on]
Suzanne She's sleeping again.
Poussey What? [Taystee reaches across and tries to wake Brook up]
Taystee Yo, Bennie. Wake up.
Poussey [Poussey scoffs]
Soso "Bennie"?
Poussey Yeah, we checked them foils, man. You took like 100 Benadryls.
Black Cindy But the good news is your allergies are squared away for, like, a decade. [Everyone laughs]
Watson I still don't understand why we're helping her anyway. She ain't one of us.
Suzanne Because you have never been to Psych.
Watson Nobody saved me from the SHU.
Taystee Well, eventually, you come back from the SHU.
Poussey And look, besides, as long as she with us we're gonna be like the Tiger Woods of prison cliques. Blasian is beautiful.
Suzanne Hey, that's right! Your skin doesn't have to be black, as long as your heart is black. [Brook falls asleep again] Um...she's sleeping again.
Watson You been pretty chill about all this.
Black Cindy Shh! [Grunts]
Watson Man, what you doin', anyway?
Black Cindy Well, for your nosy information, I'm working on my conversion essay.
Taystee You still on that?
Black Cindy You damn right. [Janae chuckles] No matter what they take from me, they can't take away my motherfucking kosher meals.
Watson Okay. I got a Black Jew, I got an Asian Black, a bunch of race-squatting carpetbaggers.
Flashback - Janae is sitting at the table with her mother while her father is talking to her
Bartholomew You've disciplined your body in accordance with the teachings of blessed Elijah, for the glory of Allah. But anything more, anything more, is self-aggrandizing and immodest, and I forbid it.
Watson What about college? Running track can pay for it.
Bartholomew Not if it means running half-naked in public, like a common whore.
Watson I can't compete wearing a tent.
Layla She has a talent and a passion, and college, a good college, is out of reach without this. Especially for a woman. Especially for a black woman. [Janae nods]
Bartholomew Money is not my god. [Layla sighs]
Watson [Incredibly offended, Watson stands up] Maybe Allah ain't my god! Maybe I don't wanna be a proud daughter to the nation of Islam. [Bartholomew slaps Watson, Watson gasps and Layla covers her mouth. Janae cries]
Scene change - Spanish Harlem, Blanca is rearranging her food.
Blanca [In Spanish] I mean, at least she knows who the father is, right? Even if he's a shit-eating pussy who walked out.
Aleida Mmm. That baby ain't never gonna hear the name Bennett.
Blanca My dad was either Julio, Rodrigo or Chad. My luck, it was fucking Chad.
Maritza [In the background] A mailbox that leaks pee.
Aleida [Notices Maritza] Uh-uh. [Aleida gets up and walks over]
Maritza I asked for a C-Section so my sails wouldn't be flapping in the wind.
Daya I don't have anything flapping. It feels like, you know, when you get punched in the eye and it swells shut? Except I got punched in the chocha.
Aleida You're back, and you didn't come talk to your mother? What kind of shit is that? [Daya scoffs, Blanca looks on]
Daya I knew I didn't have to 'cause you're gonna butt in anyway. [Maritza leaves and goes to see Blanca]
Aleida You got what you wanted, didn't you?
Daya I was with my baby two hours, getting ready to hand it over to Pornstache's mom. And who shows up? Cesar and our cousin, Yas.
Aleida Don't pretend you ain't like you ain't happy, 'cause I know you are.
Daya Ah, you don't know anything.
Aleida You're happy, but you can't say it 'cause you gotta hate me.
Daya You said keeping the baby was the worst thing for her.
Aleida Yeah, well, kids adapt. [Daya sighs] March Anthony grew up in the projects and now he's rich and got to stick it to J. Lo even though he's pocket size. And this was about you. I know that feeling you got when you had her in your arms. And if that went away forever, you'd be all kinds of fucked up.
Daya [Sighs] You make her sound like she's drugs.
Aleida The worst kind. She's gonna make you feel better than you thought you ever could, then drain all your money and ruin your life. You're always gonna need her. And even when you hate her, you're gonna love her. Even when she's in prison with you.
Daya [Sighs] Thank you.
Aleida Was that so fucking hard?
Scene change - Restaraunt, Jack, Danny and Joe are tasting whiskey
Jack Nosing whiskey isn't like sniffing wine. Now, you'd fry your brain right out your skull with full nasal insertion into the tumbler. No, nosing is an art form of its own. All right, when you boys are ready, go ahead and imbibe. [Danny and Joe go to drink] But don't swallow. Chew the scotch. Let it explore the different taste corners of your tongue.
Danny [Whispering to Joe] He stole all that fellating whiskey stuff from a YouTube video.
Jack You got something to say there, Danny?
Danny Dad, uh, we just really need to get down to business. [Joe coughs]
Jack Danny I'm trying to teach you. It's all business. The club the bullshit, it's a dance.
Danny Yeah, well, Burset comes out of the SHU. Cha-cha-cha.
Jack [Sighs]
Danny Uh, Burset comes out of the SHU.
Jack I heard you the first time. Where was your preamble? Where was the lead-in where you reminded me how you saved me money on the fence repair and the new meal plan? Come on, I taught you better! Tell me about the new beds we're installing. Tell me how much money we're gonna make.
Caputo Mr. Pearson, we need to focus on the people we're tucking into these new beds, or any budget surplus we find is going straight into one gross-negligence lawsuit after another. We have a chance to set the pace with Burset. We can't keep her in the SHU forever, and the longer we do, the more we open ourselves up for...
Jack Let me back you up here for a second, Joe. Ms Burset is in protective custody, not solitary confinement.
Joe It's both and one the horrible same, sir.
Jack [Sighs] I understand. And we need to talk about updating our facilities and our policies about their use as a long-term priority.
Danny Well, how can a priority be a long-term?
Jack Uh, Danny...
Danny No, no, no, a priority by definition is something that needs to happen right now.
Caputo I think what Danny means is...
Danny No, no, no. He knows what I mean. What I mean is Burset comes out of the SHU, 'cause she didn't do anything wrong!
Jack All right, son, all right.
Danny No, don't do that! That placating thing! You're doing it right now! [Joe tries to calm Danny down] And you lied to me, and you did it to my face!
Jack I told you we would look over our options. We did...and there were none better. So you can suck it up--
Danny You know what, fine! That's it! I quit!
Waiter Woah, what's going on.
Danny Yeah! Enjoy nose-fucking your whiskey. [Danny storms out]
Scene change - Prison Library, Piper is covering a phone with a book.
Piper [Piper hides the phone]
Flaca Find anything good? These donated books are the suck. [Piper shows the book she's reading, Flaca sighs] I read that one already. Once you rebuild your bones with butter, you're gonna have to unclog your arteries with, like, a shop-vac or something. It's kind of bullshit.
Piper Spoiler alert.
Flaca Hey, um, thanks again for giving me a second chance, Chapman. I'm really grateful.
Piper Uh-huh. [Piper leaves]
Scene change - Commissary line
Chang Next! Nah! We don't got that.
Lolly All these new guards. Infiltrators. Did you see the toothpick guy?
Alex Uh, no. I've been laying real low. [Turns around]
Lolly Don't turn around! They're watching. There's the squirrelly dude who looks like a young Jack Nicholson, who's always givin' everybody donuts. Then there's the high-school looking kid who uses that little baby face to get away with...something. And now, there's a toothpick guy. He started today!
Chang Next!
Alex Thanks. I'll be careful.
Lolly You will be dead. I haven't even gotten started on the black Mr. Clean over there.
Alex [Looking over to Rikerson] What, CO Please-and-thank-you? He's a teddy bear.
Lolly Who are the Teddy Bears? Should I know about them? [Alex looks at Lolly]
Chang Next! [Alex and Lolly walk over to Chang]
Alex Ivory soap, Colgate, Diet Coke. [Chang retrieves the items]
Chang Bad choice, Aspartame invented by Donald Rumsfeld in the 80's. Mind control.
Lolly That's true.
Alex Seriously? You, too?
Lolly [Rushes to Chang's window] Did you know that Monsanto gave Donald Rumsfeld $12 Million for aspartame in 1985.
Chang Yes.
Lolly All right, we should talk.
Scene change - Sam's office, there is a knock at the door
Healy Soso, thanks for comin'. Please, have a seat. [Soso walks slowly to her seat and sits] Are you okay? [Soso blinks] You look, uh...Did they give you your prescription at medical? [Soso weakly nods] Well, sometimes it takes a couple of weeks to even out.
Soso What did you want to see me about?
Healy Berdie Rogers.
Soso [Hopefully] Is she coming back?
Healy [Healy shakes his head] Mr. Caputo is gonna be talking to several inmates about her conduct. I want you to know you can trust him. You can basically tell him anything you would tell me. For example, don't be afraid to tell him that you spoke to her for several weeks and she offered you no medical care for your...Your mental condition.
Soso [Soso sighs] You're really bad at your job, Mr. Healy. [Soso nods] Like, really bad. You make me feel worse about myself every time we talk. Berdie helped me. I'm going now. [Soso leaves]
Scene change - The Chapel, Stella and Piper are inside, Stella is holding a makeshift tattoo needle
Stella We're ready?
Piper You made that?
Stella Mmm-hmmm. [Chuckles] As good as any tattoo gun you'll see in the real world. I mean, almost. This is a spinny thing from an old Discman, and that drives the needle that I snagged from the sweatshop.
Piper Where did you find a Discman?
Stella One of the OG ladies. She traded it for a fan. Thank God for hot flashes. [Stella plugs in the gun] Add a little power. [The machine whirs to life] Add some ink. [Stella dips the gun in ink] Now all I need...is the girl.
Piper I'm thinking an infinity symbol. I'm thinking a small infinity symbol.
Stella Mmm-mmm. Cliché.
Piper Said the girl with the...[Piper examines Stella's tattoos]
Stella Yeah.
Piper [Chuckles] Those are all pretty unique.
Stella Let me surprise you. Unless you don't trust me.
Piper I don't trust anybody, and I'm starting to have second thoughts about this.
Stella Chicken. Come on, it's white ink. You're not gonna see it, not unless you're looking for it.
Piper Fine. But subtle. [Stella starts tattooing Piper] Ow! Oh, this hurts! Um, I need a distraction.
Stella Nope. That's not it at all. You need to do the opposite. You need to honor the pain. Really feel it. Tell yourself you're into it. It's your pain.
Piper I'm into it?
Stella Yeah, you're really into it. You own it.
Piper [Gritting her teeth and whispering] I'm gonna miss you.
Stella At least now you'll have something to remember me by.
Piper [Piper chuckles, Stella and Piper kiss]
Scene change - TV Room, Gloria walks past and notices Sister Ingalls
Gloria Sister, I got a favor to ask. Can I make a confession to you?
Sister Ingalls Of sin or crime? Not that I'm qualified to handle either one.
Gloria Sin. Guilt.
Sister Ingalls How about I listen and advise?
Gloria You wanna wait till your show's over?
Sister Ingalls Oh, it's a repeat. Go ahead. [Sister Ingalls gestures to a vacant seat. Gloria sits]
Gloria Okay, so, I had a grudge against this person, and she got herself into some trouble. And I never spoke up and said "Hey, she's not really dangerous!"
Sister Ingalls It's never too late to do the right thing.
Gloria It is...if she's already in Seg.
Sister Ingalls Sophia's my friend, so forgive me if I have a hard time staying objective.
Gloria It's this place. [Voice breaking] We're locked up, all of us in a cage. And it brings out, man...[whispering]it brings out the worst, most selfish parts.
Sister Ingalls It's this place. It's us. I didn't say anything either when they took Sophia to Seg. We fail, and God forgives us all, but...I don't know if we can ever really forgive eachother. Or ourselves. I guess you can say some Hail Marys. I don't know what else to tell you. It's all wrong.
Flashback - Gloria and Loudres are at the hospital, Gloria has gone for a scan.
Gloria [In Spanish] Enough, already. You're going to embarrass me.
Loudres [Pouring honey into her concoction] Shh!
Gloria [Sighs, Loudres lights a match over Gloria's cervix] Oh, my god. Please.
Loudres You want a little boy or not?
Gloria They already told me last month it's a girl. Hokey pokey can't change that. [Loudres rings a bell over Gloria, the midwife walks in] Pretend like she ain't even here.
Midwife Let's get you set up. [Puts a towel on Gloria's stomach] Okay. This may be a little cold.
Gloria Mmm.
Midwife [Squeezes the cream out on Gloria] Okay. [The midwife begins the scan] Everything's looking good. Heart's beating like a little hummingbird. [Chuckles] And the...
Gloria [Looks at Loudres] What happened?
Midwife Uh, no, no. She's fine. It's just...she's a he. It's rare we're wrong on that, but...
Loudres [In Spanish] Yes! Amen! I can see his little pee-pee right there! [Gloria chuckles]
Scene change - Visiting room, Rabbi Alan Tatelbaum sits with Cindy, Boyle and Ginsberg.
Rabbi Alan I still don't understand what I'm doing here.
Black Cindy You part of my Beit Din.
Rabbi Alan Excuse me?
Black Cindy [Whispers while raising her eyebrows] I'm converting.
Rabbi Alan Mmm-hmm.
Black Cindy This here's Ginsberg. She's been helping me out. [Gestures to Ginsberg] And that's Boyle. [Gestures to Rhea] I know her name don't sound Jewish, but she Jewish on her mama's side, and her great-uncle died in the Holocaust, and she taught me the Hebrew alphabet for granola bars. So I'm here to present my case. I'm here to ask three times and get told "No" and "No," and then "Yes," and then be a Jew. I'm here to take the name Tova, which means "good"...because it's all good now. I've been working for real, Rabbi. Try me. [Rabbi Alan sighs] For serious! I'm ready to get my Jew on. And it ain't just about the food although the more I been learnin', the food a big part of it, am I right?
Ginsberg She's been really dedicated.
Boyle Why she wants to go from being a hated minority to a double-hated minority is beyond me, but she's for real.
Ginsberg We've been studying, arguing. [Ginsberg pauses] Hey, uh, you wouldn't happen to be related to Aimee Tatelbaum, would you?
Rabbi Alan She's my cousin.
Ginsberg Oh, my God! We were at Penn together. [Chuckles] Wait, Alan? Cousin Alan? [Laughs, Cindy nudges Ginsberg] I know some things about you. Oh, Alan. You'd better Beit Din this woman before I start to talk.
Rabbi Alan Well, Aimee's full of shit.
Ginsberg Oh, is she? Like the story about you and the Berkshire with Samantha Gottleib and the mushrooms, that's bullshit? Yeah.
Rabbi Alan That's not...[Scoffs]
Ginsberg Ask, Tova. Ask.
Black Cindy Mmm. Mmm-mmm. Hey. [Clears throat] Can I be a Jew?
Rabbi Alan No.
Black Cindy Can I be a Jew?
Rabbi Alan No.
Black Cindy [Chuckles] Can I...be a Jew?
Rabbi Alan You really want this? [Black Cindy nods] Sincerely? Not because this one's trying to blackmail me for something stupid when I was 19 or for broccoli with your dinner? What is this for you?
Black Cindy [Nods] Honestly...[sighs, and sniffles] I think I found my people. I was raised in a church...where I was told to believe and pray. And if I was bad, I'd go to Hell. If I was good, I'd go to Heaven. And if I'd ask Jesus, he'd forgive me, and that was that. And here y'all saying ain't no hell...ain't...sure about heaven. And if you do something wrong you got to figure it out yourself. And as far as God's concerned, it's your job to keep asking questions and to keep learning and to keep arguing. It's like a verb. It's like you do God. And that's a lot of work. But, I think I'm in, at least as far as I can see it. I mean maybe I'll learn more and say "Fuck the whole thing." I mean, but I wanna learn more, and I think I gotta be in it to do that. You know, does that make sense? Shit, did I just talk myself out of it. Fuck.
Rabbi Alan Ask me again.
Black Cindy [Leans forward] Can I be a Jew?
Rabbi Alan Yes.
Black Cindy No, I need three answers.
Ginsberg Yes.
Boyle Yes.
Black Cindy [Crying] Yeah! Look at me now! I'm a bona fide jailhouse Jew! [Black Cindy kisses Ginsberg on the forehead]
Rabbi Alan Sort of. It's not official without the mikvah, but that was wonderful. Really, Tova. Congratulations.
Black Cindy Hold up. Mik-what?
Ginsberg Oh, it's like, um...It's like a baptism, but without all the touching. You soak in a pool and you clean off that Christian filth that you've been carrying around. [Chuckles]
Black Cindy We can fake that shit in the shower.
Ginsberg No, that won't count.
Rabbi Alan The mikvah needs to be pure, naturally occurring water, and you need to be full submerged, and nude.
Ginsberg Yeah, maybe it'll rain, okay? There'll be a sinkhole or something, and we'll make it official then. In the meantime you are Jew-ish. Huh?
Black Cindy [Shakes her head]
Flashback - Cindy sits at the dinner table with her family
Mr. Hayes Most holy, righteous, and everywhere-present God, our father who art in Heaven, we ask thy blessing upon this food. Bless the hearts and the hands of those that provide the same, and when it is ours to pass from time to eternity...[Cindy starts eating,Mr. Hayes notices.] Do you know what awaits sinners like you, [shouting] self-worshippers of the flesh? Do you know what is your Promised Land? [yelling] Answer me, Cindy! Do you know? [Cindy shakes her head] Deuteronomy, chapter 29, verse 23, tell us about your Promised Land. Your land is brimstone and salt, a burning waste unsown and unproductive, and no grass grows on it, like the overthrow of Sodom and Gomorrah. So thou must not sin! Amen!
Lillian Amen.
Mr. Hayes Say "amen"!
Black Cindy Amen, amen, amen, amen, amen.
Scene change - Healy's office. Red walks past
Red [Knocks on door] Maxwell said you wanted to see me?
Healy Yeah, Lorna's getting married. She asked you to be the witness.
Red Ah, I heard the happy news an hour ago. Oh, she's a rash girl. All heart and tits and no brain, hmm? Well, thanks for letting me know. I'll get started on my maid of honor speech.
Healy Can I ask you a question? [Red sits down] You and I...have a special relationship. That's why I feel like I can ask you this question. Would you say that I'm bad at my job?
Red Well, the very fact that we have a special relationship and that you acknowledge it should at least partially answer your question, Healy. But I'd be lying if I said it hasn't helped me. It has. Having a contemporary in here who isn't A, a woman, or B, a thieving, lying, crazy, murderous drug-addled woman, has been a godsend. Are you good at your job? I don't know. But I know that you've helped me, and I'm grateful for it. Can I go now that I've watered your ego flower?
Healy Yes.
Scene change - Visiting room, Piper sits with Cal, she shows Cal her arm which is tattooed with "Trust No Bitch"
Cal Your prison mistress gave you a prison tat. You are turning into a trope.
Piper She's my business partner, with benefits.
Cal Ah.
Piper She's getting out and wanted to give me something to remember her by. I was sad so I let her.
Cal White ink, huh? That must be pretty intimidating to some of these girls, maybe under, like, a black light or something. What does it say?
Piper It says "Trust No Bitch." And yes, as a matter of fact, the girls are scared shitless.
Cal Hmm...
Piper I'm quite gangsta.
Cal [sighs]
Piper Oh, shit. What?
Cal I have to give you honesty, because that's how I need to live, in truth.
Piper What the fuck, Cal?
Cal Neri is selling extra panties on the side.
Piper [Leans forward] What? No.
Cal Yeah.
Piper All wrong. And where's she getting people to wear them?
Cal Well, um, actually, we invented a misto-tuna-honey sauce that tastes quite delicious until you add the glue.
Piper You're diluting the brand. You have to get her to stop.
Cal Neri's knock-off panties aren't the problem. In fact her questionable criminal ethics might actually offset the real problem.
Piper My job is to handle shit in here. Your job is to handle shit out there.
Cal Okay, Pipes, while I'm really proud of how evil prison has made you, I think you're overestimating your villain index. You're still transitioning. You know, you're not Walter White yet. You're...Walter White-ink.
Piper What are you talking about?
Cal Your money is gone. Someone transferred all of your clam clams.
Piper When?
Cal This morning.
Piper Fucking Flaca!
Scene change - Rec. room, Toast Norma has been given a shrine and highly decorated
German [Weeping]
Poussey [Walks past and notices the absurdity] Was a time, Norma, you were good at making people feel safe...at peace and calm. Then you let this cave troll turn it into a cult.
Leanne Hey, we're toasting Norma here. It's our new thing.
Poussey Brook Soso tried to kill herself. She needed help, and you pushed her away. As far as I'm concerned, that makes you an accesory.
Leanne What the fuck?
Poussey You better back up off before I smash those shit-stained Chiclets you call teeth down your throat. [Leanne backs away] Look at all of y'all. The whole point of being here was to escape our shitty reality. What, and now your worshipping a piece of toast? [Poussey grabs the bread] You know, you actually had me believing in miracles. But now I know miracles ain't real, and you ain't shit. [Poussey leaves and throws the toast away]
Leanne Okay, it's fine. It's okay. It's okay. [Gerrman weeps] It's okay. Would you stop! It's fine. Norma Toast is safe, it's fine. Back to it.
Scene change - Prison van, Coates and Pennsatucky are driving
Coates ...and so then I woke up in the laundry room. It was so weird. Maybe I was gonna wash my pants, and I fell asleep. I think I need to start taking vitamins or...stop taking Ambien. Something. [Notices drive] Ooh, there's...there's an underpass down Broad Street. It's a good spot. Take a left here.
Pennsatucky I don't feel very good.
Coates It's all right, I'll make you feel better.
Pennsatucky No, my, my head. It's, like, it's banging right now. It must be my lady time. Ain't nothing sexy 'bout that.
Coates [Laughs] It doesn't bother me. I kind of like it. Right here. Take this left, right here. [Pennsatucky keeps driving] Hey, what are you doing? I told you to make that left. What's the matter with you? You want...You want me to get a little rough? Is that it? A little roleplay? You into that?
Pennsatucky [Pennsatucky holds her stomach] Something's really wrong, like, like my Nancy Grace ears catnip.
Coates What?
Pennsatucky Yes, something's...It's like my Nancy Grace ears catnip bluegrass funeral.
Coates Tiff are you okay? What's the matter with you?
Pennsatucky Nancy Grace ears. I can't...[Grunts, floors the accelerator and starts seizing]
Coates Shit! [Coates grabs the wheel and drives into the barrier of the road]
Scene change - Caputo's house, he and Fig are having sex, she is orgasming.
Fig AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! [Fig starts screeching]
Caputo What the fuck is that noise? Is that real, or are you doing it 'cause you think it's a turn on?
Fig Is that your fucking excuse?
Caputo Oh fuck. [Caputo looses his erection] Fuck.
Fig The fuck? You've gotta be fucking kidding me. What, are you gonna start crying now?
Caputo My dick must have realised who you really are.
Fig I do not think one man could have more self-loathing than you already did.
Caputo You must be loving this. Why are you here? Why do you keep coming here?
Fig "Coming" is the operative word, which obviously isn't happening tonight, so...[Fig gets up and starts getting ready]
Caputo Natalie, wait. Wait a second.
Fig "Natalie"? Jesus fucking Christ. I'm here because you're a good lay, and I relish the fact you hate me but you can't resist me.
Caputo Don't worry, I still loathe you, Fig.
Fig Oh, good.
Caputo But you're, uh...I'm not really close to anyone right now.
Fig [Chuckles] Do you have any idea how pathetic you are, weirdo?
Caputo Yes, actually, I do. I work for a sleazebag corporation, and I am hate-fucking a dead-eyed, anorexic crone [Fig smiles] who's the only person I can talk to. I'm living my worst nightmare.
Fig Then channel your inner Freddy Krueger and grab life by the balls, with your big, bladed fingers.
Caputo Pearson quit over this Burset thing. I should too but...
Fig Wait, wait, wait, wait. Pearson quit? [Caputo nods] You have the chance for a promotion and you're going limp?
Caputo [sighs] Even if I wanted his job, and I don't, it's a lateral move.
Fig A lateral move with more pay?
Caputo Yes, it's a promotion. But I'm not gonna capitalize on Burset. I'm gonna fight for her.
Fig Why?
Caputo Because I wear protection, so I haven't caught whatever form of syphilis it is you have that caused your soul to rot.
Fig No, really. Why? You keep on martyring yourself for these people, and why? Has anyone ever thanked you for saving the prison?
Caputo Just the people who are now profiting from it.
Fig Well, maybe those are the people you should be sticking your neck out for. Do what you have to do, or you're the one who gets fucked in the as...speaking of which. [Fig lays back down, displaying herself to Caputo]
Caputo You're so disgusting. [The two resume]
Scene change - Chapel, Flaca walks in while Gloria is praying
Gloria Hey. I heard about your mother.
Flaca Yeah. Thanks.
Gloria You two good?
Flaca What's that supposed to mean?
Gloria You know what? Let's say our prayers and go on with our days. That sounds good to you, little girl?
Flaca I ain't your little girl.
Gloria Oh, I know that. You don't need nobody. I got it.
Flaca Certainly don't need people who don't got my back.
Gloria Well, maybe people would have your back if they knew you weren't gonna turn on them.
Flaca [Scoffs, Piper walks in in search of Flaca]
Piper Hey, Gonzalez. You took my money?
Flaca What?
Piper You wanna fuck with me? [Gloria hears this and stands up]
Gloria You need to step back right now, or you gonna lay back, bitch. I don't care what she did, what you think she did. You don't get to come here and push, or you're gonna get pushed.
Piper She saw me this morning in the library, conducting business.
Flaca All I saw was you reading that stupid butter-bones book, and I told you it was bad science. What are you talking about?
Piper You made up a story about your sick mom so that I would let you back in.
Gloria Her mother is sick, idiot. And why you think she's in here on her knees? Huh, what's the matter with you?
Piper Well, good. I mean, not good that she's sick, but good that you weren't lying, and I hope that she feels better, and I hope that you both know not to mess with me. [Piper leaves]
Scene change - The Suburbs, Norma's bunk, Leanne walks in
Leanne Angie ate Toast Norma. She thought it would give her powers or some stupid shit, and I didn't stop her because the people believed the stupid, black dyke who listened to that stupid, yellow chink. [Norma gives Leanne a look] I mean "yellow" both racially and as a chicken-shit. Only chicken-shits try to kill themselves. [Norma points to the exit to tell Leanne to leave] I know you're upset about the toast. It was a bad idea. [Norma does it again] Norma, I still believe in you. [And again] Don't do this to me, please. You need me. I need you. We made miracles. No. [Leanne leaves]
Scene change - Outside, Pennsatucky looks on as O'Neill and Coates look at the van
Coates It's just a scratch. [Big Boo sits next to Pennsatucky]
Big Boo Huh. You okay? What'd the doc say?
Pennsatucky I told him all about the word soup and white eyeballs.
Big Boo And?
Pennsatucky And, you know, even though it's probably just a one-time, freak thing...I ain't fit to be the van girl no more?
Big Boo [Chuckles, Pennsatucky jiggles imitating her seizure] Who knew cousin Sandy's epilepsy would one day save your hillbilly prison soul?
Pennsatucky You're a really good teacher.
Big Boo Yeah, and you are, apparently, a fine actress. All he gets is a bandage over his eye.
Pennsatucky Yeah, but he bled a lot. Not out of his butt. Still, I consider that a win.
Big Boo Yeah. [Maritza Ramos walks over to Coates as the new van driver]
Maritza Hi, it's Maritza.
Big Boo Aw, shit.
Flashback - Big Boo puts something in the microwave
Big Boo [The microwave dies] Aw, shit. [She hits the microwave and goes to take the plug out but she is electrocuted] Ahhh! [Big Boo is shocked with a defibrillator]
Paramedic Miss Black? Your heart was in dangerous arrhythmia. We were able to shock it back into sinus rhythm. You're gonna be fine.
Big Boo There's no God. There's nothing.
Scene change - Sweatshop, Stella is working
Stella How's that tat feeling?
Piper It's burning. Searing even.
Stella It looks okay. Doesn't look infected or anything.
Piper It must be the irony, then. "Trust no bitch".
Stella I don't get it.
Piper You and Alex are the only ones who know where that phone is...[whispering] and maybe Flaca, but I really don't think so. And neither one of them are getting out in two days. You fucked me, Stella.
Stella I'm panicking, Piper.
Piper Oh, so you decide to steal from me?
Stella I have no family, no friends, and $20. That doesn't even get me one night in a motel.
Piper It'll pay for an hour, which is plenty of time to use your hot tits and pretty, little lying face to lure in a sucker and rob him blind.
Black Cindy [Watching on] What's going on with The L Word over there.
Anita Thunder from Down Under been necking with someone else?
Flaca Nah, Chapman's been accusing people of stealing her money.
Black Cindy Oh that bitch guilty.
Anita How do you know?
Black Cindy She desperate. I hit her up to see what she was gonna leave me in her prison will, and she taking everything.
Anita Oooh.
Black Cindy She even taking her maxi pads.
Flaca Man, Chapman came at me ready to bash my skull in, but she gonna let her off the hook? [scoffs]
Black Cindy It pays to hump the boss.
Anita She let you come back and let the kangaroo rob her blind? Girls, this is good news. She'll gum you, but the boss got no teeth.
Black Cindy I'm gonna ask for more money. She gonna donate the Foster's she can donate to Colt 45. Or should I be saying "Manischewitz" now?
Piper You could have asked me instead of burgling me.
Stella I'm asking you now... to understand.
Piper Of course I understand. Your situation is going to be my situation in the next six to twelve months, which is why I started Felonious Spunk in the first place. To take money from perverts, not from people I pretend to care about.
Stella I do care! Don't you? I'm going to make this up to you. I promise.
Scene change - Visiting room, Lorna and Vince are getting married by Chaplain Royce
Royce And as groom and bride prepared for this ceremony, they reflected on what it is that brought them here today, ready to commit their lives to one another. You have your vows, yes? Groom goes first.
Vince [Taking out his vows] "Morello, I cannot believe we are doing this. In fact, I think we might be crazy. But we are crazy together. We fit, and we match and I think you are beautiful...and you make me feel tall. And I love your heart." You're good Lorna. "I cannot wait to spend every day that I am allowed to with you, and then when you are out, just every day." [O'Neill takes a picture]
Lorna Vince...I'm just so happy and honored to be Lorna Muccio. And for that, I thank you very much-io. I'm not a great writer like you, so...I have a poem to read. "In my life, there's been heartache and pain. I don't know if I can face it again. Can't stop now, I've traveled so far to change this lonely life. I want to know what love is. I want you to show me. I want to feel what love is. I know you can show me."
Vince Foreigner, my favorite band.
Lorna I knew it!
Royce Beautiful.
Vince Yeah.
Royce And now the rings. [Vince takes the ring] Vince, place your ring on Lorna's finger and repeat after me.
Lorna Oh.
Royce "Through this ring, I, Vincent Muccio, accept you, Lorna Morello, as my wife, now, and for all time."
Vince Through this ring, I, Vincent Muccio, accept you, Lorna Morello, as my wife, now, and for all time.
Royce And now, Lorna, place your ring on Vincent's finger.
O'Neill This is so beautiful. This is why I don't want to elope.
Bell I can't cry like this in front of my mother.
O'Neill Oh, shit, I missed her putting on the ring.
Bell Get the kiss, you big galoot.
Lorna Through this ring, I, Lorna Morello, accept you, Vincent Muccio, as my husband, now and forever.
Royce Now, normally, at this point, I would have you both light the unity candle, but prison restrictions on open flames won't allow it. Plus, our bride is wearing paper. So instead, I will urge you to gaze into each other's eyes and light the fire within. As you do...by the power vested in me by the state of New York, I now pronounce you husband and wife. You may kiss the bride.
Lorna Oh, my Goodness! [Lorna and Vince kiss]
Red [Looks at Sam, who cries] Ah, they make a beautiful couple, absolutely beautiful.
Healy Okay, you two can spend an hour in here together. Bell will stay with you.
Vince Uh, here? You don't have a trailer or somethin' a little more private, alone?
Healy There's no conjugal visits in Federal. I'm sorry. [Bell has an idea]
Lorna [Lorna and Vince have sex next to the vending machine] Yes! Husband, yes!
Vince Yeah! Fuck yeah, wife!
Lorna Consummate this marriage!
Vince Consummate the shit out of you, babe!
Red [Red and Healy walk through the corridor] Young love, they have no idea what they're in for.
Healy It doesn't always end badly.
Red Oh, said the man whose wife sleeps in her mother's bed to the prisoner whose brand-new divorce certificate is her most prized possession.
Healy You gotta believe in something. Why not love?
Red Because "happily ever after" was invented for the storybooks, so kids reach breeding age without killing themselves.
Healy So, love is the lie we tell ourselves so we don't extinct? That's pretty bleak, Red, even for you.
Red Oh, and you caught me on a glass-half-full day.
Healy So you don't think there's something out there you're meant to be with.
Red Of course I do. Everybody has a soul mate. But they're usually on the other side of the bars, or the wall, or the planet from you. That's the way the universe works.
Healy You're not gonna be in prison forever. You got a future to think about.
Red Our ships passed too late in the night for one of them to change course, Sam. [Red hands her corsage over to Sam]
Flashback - Church, a young Sam runs over to the doors
Sam Father! [knocks on the door] Father! Father! [Sam sits on the ground, upset] God, please help my mother. [Sam starts crying, a homeless man walks over to Sam] Father? My mom is sick again. [Sam looks up at the man who bares a resemblance to Jesus] Jesus? [the man throws up on him and collapses on him] Ahh! Help me, please! Somebody, please! He smells! Oh, gross! Get the fuck off me!
Scene change - The Suburbs, Stella's bunk, Piper walks in
Stella [Holding a sheet of paper] I've rewritten this at least ten times. [Piper takes the paper] I don't know what to say. [Piper kisses Stella] I feel like you're saving my life.
Piper I came to say goodbye.
Stella Well, I still have a few more days. [Donaldson, Bayley and Sikowitz arrive at the bunk]
Donaldson Clear the bunk. [Piper leaves, Stella gets up]
Bayley Not you.
Sikowitz We have reports of contraband.
Stella I haven't got anything. I'm getting out in two days.
Donaldson Well, hopefully you've given everything away, then.
Stella Well...[Bayley and Sikowitz enter the bunk, Bayley rifles through Stella's toiletries and finds a lighter]
Bayley Found a lighter.
Stella That's not mine.
Sikowitz [Sikowitz finds cigarettes and sniffs them] Marijuana cigarettes?
Stella Wait...wait.
Sikowitz Cigarette cigarettes.
Stella This isn't even my stuff! It can't be.
Sikowitz [Sikowitz finds a chicken wing] Ugh!
Bayley Where'd you get illegal chicken from, inmate?
Stella What?
Sikowitz [Sikowitz finds a sweet shank] Bayley, check out this candy shiv. How cool is that. I mean...this is a deadly weapon.
Bayley You are so going to MAX, inmate.
Stella [Stella looks at Piper, who shows her "Trust No Bitch" tattoo]
Bayley [Bayley finds Boo's screwdriver from Season 1]
Piper Sorry about your dildo, Boo. Cost of doing business, I'll make it up to you.
Big Boo Damn, Chapman. That is some stone-cold shit.
Piper I don't fuck around. Let the people know. [Piper leaves]
Scene change - CO staff room
Ford I'm hoping this voluntary organizing meeting meeting is, uh, code for "our union petition has been accepted"
O'Neill Maybe he just wants us to pull together our official list of demands. I think the prison should issue us socks and underwear, not just outerwear.
Bell I want them to pay my college loans.
Donaldson You went to college, and you're working here?
Bell Associate's degree, Justice Admin, DeVry [Caputo walks in]
Ford Here he is, the white Cesar Chavez.
Caputo Today, as you know, is a very big day. So, let's make this quick.
O'Neill We hear Pearson's out. Are you next? Are they union-busting?
Kowalski Or did our petition go through and he got canned for not stopping it?
Caputo Pearson quit. There's a new Director of Human Activity.
O'Neill It's you, isn't it.
Caputo Everyone has the right to unionize.
Maxwell Shit. Motherfucking shit.
Caputo But I have access to budgets now. And all that noise about the whole shebang coming crashing down if MCC starts covering benefits, it is 100% true.
Bell They must have given you a pretty good pay raise.
O'Neill Yeah, like 30 pieces of silver.
Caputo I have done nothing...but save your asses since this prison was scheduled to close. You're goddamn right. It was a pretty good pay raise. Any one of you ungrateful, selfish sons of bitches would have thrown me under the bus and run me over to get the same. Well guess what? It's my turn. It's the year of Caputo.
Ford You know, we had a union captain once who told us that the corporation would call an optional meeting and then try to scare us out of unionizing.
O'Neill I remember that. He said "When they did that, we should say," and I am paraphrasing..."Fuck you!"
Ford That's right, because he said, "The company needs you more than you need them."
Caputo Now I've seen things from the inside, and I stand corrected. You're all replaceable.
Maxwell Not today we're not. I'd say today of all days, the company still needs us pretty damn bad.
Ford Yeah, I'm gonna go with my old captain on this one. Fuck you. [Ford walks out]
Donaldson [Donaldson takes off his radio] It ain't right Mr. Caputo. It ain't right. [Donaldson walks out, Maxwell and Kowalski leave]
O'Neill [Looks at Bell and stands up. He snorts at Caputo]
Bell [Looks at Caputo, half-crying] Good luck getting the monkeys to run the zoo.
Scene change - Garden shed, Lolly and the rest of the gardening crew are putting the tools away
Alex All right, all tools are present and accounted for.
Rikerson All good. Thanks, ladies. [The girls head for the exit] Oh wait, wait. Hold up. Someone needs to sweep up.
Lolly Not me.
Alex Fine. I'll do it. But you guys owe me. Okay.
Rikerson Thank you, Vause. I'm gonna walk them over.
Alex Yeah, yeah. I'll just be here sweeping like Cinderella. [Rikerson leaves, leaving Alex alone sweeping, the door opens] Well, that was quick. [Alex turns around and sees Aydin] Aydin. How--
Aydin This place would hire Forrest fucking Gump. The guy who interviewed me was so relieved to find someone who's actually qualified. [Aydin scoffs]
Alex You don't have to do this.
Aydin Yeah, I do.
Scene change - Healy's office, Healy walks in and finds a bag with "Olive Garden" written on it
Sam [Sighs, Healy finds a Tupperware with "K" written on it, from Katya]
Scene change - Spanish Harlem, Aleida and Daya walk in, confused
Coates Hey, uh, there's no inmates in the dorms while the bunks are being installed.
Aleida She needs to sit down.
Coates I'm sorry, rules is rules.
Aleida This one. [scoffs]
Daya At least we're getting new beds.
Scene change - Cesar's apartment, Margarita is cooking, there's a knock at the door
Margarita Who are you?
Fed Agent Is Cesar home?
Margarita Cesar! Some white guy!
Cesar Okay, it's okay. Yo, what's up man, who are you?
Fed Agent Uh, Cesar Velazquez?
Cesar Fuck. [Cesar slams the door shut] Get back in the room! Go back into the room!
Margarita What do you mean get back in the room?
Fed Agent Cesar, we have a warrant!
DEA Agent DEA!
Cesar [Trying to open the door] Come on! [Punches the agent] Please don't take my baby! Get back in the room, get back in you...Yo! Get your filthy fucking hands off my baby! [Cesar throws a DEA agent onto a table, Cesar gets put onto the ground]
Fed Agent Donna, get the baby out.
Cesar Christina! Take care of Daya's baby!
Emilliano Let go of me!
Scene change - Chapel, Piper is tattooing an infinity symbol under her armpit
Piper Cliché my ass. It's it's fucking awesome.
Scene change - Outside Litchfield, Judy King's car
Bill Hello? Hello? Judy King is here. Anyone? We're here to self-surrender. Anyone?
Judy Well fuck a duck. Already this place is a goddamn joke. I told you we should have stuck with Alderson, but no, no, you gotta drag my ass all the way to upstate Jew York. I should kick your balls into your sternum. [Look around] Well, did we or did we not call ahead? I mean...this is just...rude. [Judy starts crying] Oh god.
Scene change - Yard, the fencers drive up to the broken fence, they remove one part of the fence.
Norma [Sighs, and notices the open fence and runs towards it, she runs past Spanish Harlem]
Aleida Hey, where's Norma Christ going? Holy...
Maria Shit!
Daya Where the guards at?
Maria I feel like this is one of those things, like when all the dogs and horses disappear before there's an earthquake or a tidal wave or something.
Gloria I'm going.
Daya You crazy.
Gloria They're the ones who took the fence down. Maybe they're expanding the yard. Are we supposed to know better? [Gloria runs away, Maria follows her]
Aleida She got a good point. [Aleida and Daya run off]
Fencer The fuck?
Fencer Oh, shit. [The fencers get into the van and drive away]
Norma [Norma stumbles through the bushes]
Poussey What's even over there?
Taystee A bunch of bitches going to Seg.
Watson Nah, nah! It's the lake! It's not escapable or nothin'!
Suzanne It's a miracle. [Suzanne runs off, Janae chases after her]
Poussey Come on, yo!
Taystee Oh, man, you too?
Poussey What?
Taystee Even if we don't get busted, you ain't worried about eels or some shit?
Poussey There ain't no eels in the freedom lake, man! Stop being such a stereotype.
Taystee One of them black bitches gonna get they shit drowned, and I ain't gonna be responsible. [Taystee turns back]
Poussey Look. Let's just be free for a second. It's gonna be the last time in a long time. [Poussey runs off, Taystee follows her]
Luschek [Walks out of the shop and finds all the inmates running out] Nope. [Returns to the shop]
Black Cindy [Runs over to Yoga Jones and Sister Ingalls] Hey, y'all seen Ginsberg? But now's my chance for some new-Jew juju!
Sister Ingalls I don't follow you.
Black Cindy That lake's my mikvah!
Yoga Jones Isn't that her crashing through the underbrush?
Black Cindy Oh, Ginsberg! Ginsberg!
Sister Ingalls [Sighs]
Yoga Jones You know...I think I could stand a little sand between my toes, too. Let's do it! [Sister Ingalls and Yoga Jones run off]
Bayley [Bayley runs out of the prison] No, no, no, no, no! Hey, Hey! No, no, Okay! Uh stop! Hey! Come on Why?
Norma [Norma leads the group down to the lake, Suzanne overtakes her]
Suzanne Yaaaaaaay! [Suzanne dives into the lake, but does not emerge, all the inmates get scared, thinking she's drowned, but Suzanne emerges later, screaming, all the inmates run into the lake]
Maritza Wow.
Flaca [Flaca stands in the lake still and silent with her eyes shut, Gloria comes up to her and smiles, the two hug, a large amount of water is thrown onto them by Maritza and Maria, they all have a water fight while shouting in Spanish]
Pennsatucky [Pennsatucky stands on Big Boo's shoulders as a duck while Angie and Leanne do the same, they have a play fight] Go! Go! Charge her! No! You can't stop the Boosatucky! [Pennsatucky falls of Big Boo's shoulders, Leanne is thrown of Angie's]
Suzanne [Splashing in the water] Wah! Rah! [Maureen waves at Suzanne, Suzanne looks around, unsure if Maureen mean her]
Maureen Ow! Ow! Ow! [Maureen pulls a turtle out the water which has been biting her foot and throws it at Suzanne]
Suzanne [Unsure what to do] Oh! [Suzanne goes to get the turtle back]
Maureen No!
Soso [Soso lays in the lake, alone, Poussey swims up to her and holds her hand]
Anita [Anita sits on the shore of the lake and builds a sandcastle and chuckles as she adds the finishing touches to it]
Daya [Daya stands by the lake, skimming stones into the water, Aleida is sunbathing behind her, Daya goes to sit with her mother, and the two hug]
Taystee [Taystee watches on, being the only inmate who hasn't gone into the lake, she sighs, smiles and takes her top off and wraps it over her hair]
Suzanne Woo! Taystee, come on in, the water's fine!
Taystee Okay! Okay! I'm in! [Watson splashes water at Taystee, she does the same back, Poussey wanders over with Soso, hand-in-hand, chuckling]
Sister Ingalls [Sister takes off her underwear and flings it around, screaming, she and Yoga Jones hug]
Black Cindy [Black Cindy is shown underwater, having her Mikvah, Cindy emerges while Ginsberg speaks Hebrew]
Ginsberg Mazel tov!
Suzanne [Suzanne walks over to Maureen, the turtle in hand, Maureen takes it and throws it away again, the two share a few looks and stand next to eachother]
Norma [Norma sits alone with her feet in the water, Red joins her]
Several scenes flash past - Maritza and Flaca splashing each other, Leanne and Angie playing while Sister Ingalls and Yoga Jones chat, Black Cindy diving into the lake. Inside, the new beds are installed while the inmates are at the lake, they have been transformed into bunk beds. Outside, many prison buses enter Litchfield, hundreds of new inmates in orange uniforms exit the buses along with guards.

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