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Tit Punch/Transcript

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Title card: a Netflix Original Series - Soundtrack "You've Got Time"
Flashback - Ganya and his men are drinking in Dmitri Reznikov's market. He is telling a story
Ganya [In Russian] ...So I say to this guy..."Save your schooner for someone else, yes?" I come here to buy a boat, not become some goddamn pirate! [Red prepares a crepe next to her husband]
Dmitri [In Russian] You should go talk to them.
Red [In English] Please don't drop that. [Hands Dmitri the plate]
Dmitri Get out there, shake hands. [Red ignores Dmitri; in Russian] Are you listening to me? It's important that we make this connection. [In English] These are very important people. [Red studies the men's wives] Go meet his wife.
Red I've been cooking all day. I smell like onions.
Dmitri [In Russian] Ladies and gentlemen! [In English] I have someone to make you acquaintance. [Red removes her apron and tidies up her hair]
Present day - Red is in the kitchen, watching Big Boo stuff her shirt
Red That's disgusting. And unsanitary.
Big Boo Keeps 'em warm all day long.
Red Thanks for this back board.
Big Boo Pleasure doin' business with you.
Gina So we need request forms for next Spring's non-perishables.
Red Bring 'em tonight.
Gina Tori's getting out in six weeks, so we gotta train someone new on the feed slicer.
Red Look into little Sara. Make sure she never stabbed people.
Gina And Betty's been acting up again. The bitch is gonna fuck us.
Red A little patience. She's been here a lot of years, I'll deal with her. The blondie?
Gina Yes. She's going nuts.
Red That one's a light touch.
Gina Well, you did serve her a bloody tampon.
Red Yeah. Heh! I'm proud of that one.
Scene change - Healy's office, Piper's head is in her hands.
Piper I have to go to another prison. A different one. You have to move me.
Healy Like this is the Radisson and you don't like your room? [Piper's eyes start tearing up] Why?
Piper Why isn't this the Radisson?
Healy Why do you need to be moved? Did someone try to engage with you...sexually? [Piper does not respond] Tell me what happened out there. [Healy pulls out a file]
Piper [After a long pause] It's fine. I just freaked out. I'll be fine.
Healy I'm sure you will. You're gonna be late for orientation. [Healy and Piper both get up, Piper leaves]
Scene change - Rec room, orientation is beginning, Piper walks in
Piper Hey, sorry I'm late.
Thompson Sit down. [Piper looks at vacant seats, one next to Alex or one next to Leanne, a meth head, Piper goes to Leanne]
Leanne That one's broke. [Piper sits on it, the chair strains, a video is turned on with a woman explaining what is happening at Litchfield]
Woman Hi. Welcome to the Federal Department of Corrections, where we strive to maintain facilities that are secure, humane and cost effective. [Janae snickers] Night school classes are offered three nights a week. There are a variety of recreational activities available and clinical vists are offered at the inmate's request. [Piper's chair continues to rattle] But enough about policy. Let's get to the important stuff. [On the screen, the word "VIOLENCE" appears]
Pornstache This is a piece of copper pipe. And it was taken from the laundry room. [He smacks it against his hand] It's hard. This was used to break two ribs. Could also be used to crack your skull...break your knee, muss up your makeup [Pornstache then begins to almost massage the piping in a sexual way] Amongst other things. [Alex looks at Piper]
Dimaguiba Suicidal thoughts will come. Frequently. Some days, it'll feel like there are no other thoughts. "Do it." They'll say. "End it." [Daya gulps] "Come on."
Caputo You;ll be assigned bunks soon. Uniform issue is next week. State your correct size on the form. No baggy hip-hop pants. Yes, I'm looking at you. [Gestures to Janae]
Pornstache Plastic toothbrush with a razor-blade melted right into it. [Pornstaches mimics having his throat slit, then slashing his wrists, then FGM, the women sigh] Yeah, probably shouldn't have showed you that one. [Piper shuffles in her seat] The women who made and used these items are now in the SHU or down at the max facility...with added sentences. Their lives are basically over.
Fig Hello, ladies. I am Natalie Figueroa. I am the executive assistant to the Warden. I try and visit often. If you have any concerns, specifically regarding your needs as women, please come to me. I will handle them personally.
Alex [Raises an eyebrow] Yeah, she will.
Daya [Raises her hand] I had a question, actually.
Fig Today I'm only here as a formality. [Daya sighs]
Scene change - Canteen hall, Gina is serving out food
Gina Next. [It's Piper, Gina looks at Piper and ignores her] Next.
Piper No, wait.
Gina Next.
Piper Seriously?
Gina Next. [Piper goes to grab a piece of celery, but Norma snatches it away quickly]
Piper Come on. [Norma looks away, Piper looks at Red, and decides to leave]
Pornstache Uh-uh.
Piper They're not letting me eat.
Pornstache That sounds like a whole lot of your problem. [Yelling] We don't leave lunch till lunch is over. [Piper is pushed by Pornstache, she eyes the tables: the meth heads all stare at her, so do the Latinas, Crazy eyes is eating alone and makes a space for her]
Lorna [Takes Piper] Come sit with us. Not with Crazy Eyes. [Piper joins Lorna, Yoga Jones and Anita]
Yoga Jones Rough morning?
Piper Something like that.
Lorna We should have warned you about Red.
Piper Well, I just didn't expect to be punished while I was getting punished. [Piper looks at Alex]
Anita You gotta fix that. Make it right.
Piper How?
Yoga Jones I find it best to confront things head-on.
Piper Know what? I'm just gonna apologise. I'm just gonna very sincerely apologise. People make mistakes. People say stupid things all the time.
Yoga Jones Mmm-hmm.
Piper She's gotta understand that, right?
Scene change - C dorm, Spanish Harlem, Daya walks through
Maria [In Spanish] Check this shit out. [Daya walks into Aleida and Maritza's bunk]
Maritza [In English] Who are you?
Daya Her daughter. Who are you?
Maritza Her daughter.
Daya [Aleida calls Maritza away] What's the matter, you don't wanna hit me again?
Aleida Oh, from here on out, this place will hit you for me.
Daya This orange's like glow in the dark. The guard with the moustache keeps staring at me.
Aleida Since when do you hate that? [Maritza mouths "puta" meaning bitch in Spanish]
Daya You got any other extra khakis.
Aleida No, well, not in your size. [Daya leaves] And don't be in such a rush to get out of that orange, sabes? Once you're in these, you're old news.
Scene change - Library, Taystee is revealing what is happening in the prison to Healy.
Taystee [Wisper] White girl say something nasty about Red's food, then Red send her a message 'cause white girl better recognise.
Healy A message?
Taystee Egg McTampon. Rare. So now nobody's givin' her nothin' to eat. Not until Red say so.
Healy That's...Thanks.
Taystee This ain't gonna get Red in troube, right? 'Cause I ain't no snitch.
Healy No. Of course not, I mean, probably not. [Taystee's expression drops] I haven't decided yet. [Healy turns to leave]
Taystee Hold up. [Healy groans] Where my candy? [An inmate walks in, Healy discreetly slides Taystee a box of candy, Taystee stuffs it down her trousers]
Scene change - A Dorm Showers, Red is having her legs shaved by Norma while reading "Freshman Year and Other Unatural Disasters" while listening to opera music
Red Get me another towel. [Norma gets a towel from the side and puts it underneath Red, who is laying down, Piper walks in]
Piper Is this a bad time?
Red Moment. [Red puts a finger up, and continues reading, she begins chuckling, she shuts her book and exhales]
Piper About what I said yesterday? It was careless and it was rude. And I am really sorry. I appreciate everything you do here, I can't imagine how much work it takes, and since we're clearly gonna be spending some time together...
Red Don't forget the toes, Norma. [Norma begins shaving Red's toes]
Piper I can tell you take pride in what you do, and I so...respect that. If someone insulted my work-
Red What is it, your work?
Piper Oh. Um, I make artisanal bath products. [Proudly] We got into Barney's.
Red Artisinal?
Piper I'm just saying we're not that different, you and I. That's all. [Red turns to look at Piper] And I understand how stupid I've been. I really apologise. [Red sighs] I'm sorry. [Norma cleans the razor]
Red You seem sweet. You really do, honey. But I can't do shit with "I'm sorry.". Not in here. Might not look like it, but there's rules in this place. The most important of which is the second you are percieved as weak you already are.
Piper What do you want me to do?
Red You're a smart girl. [Red grunts, and turns herself on her side] Figure something out. [Piper leaves]
Scene change - Recreational room, Poussey and Taystee are reading a magazine
Taystee Gaga got some nice legs. [Flaca opens the freezer, and finds Taystee's ice cream]
Flaca What the fuck is this?
Taystee [Notices Flaca and gets up, walking over to her] Oh, it's my treat I'm savin'. Just leave it.
Flaca Leave it? Fuck leave it. You can't put your sticky ice cream shit in here.
Taystee [Taking it out of her hands] It ain't just an ice cream. It's a King Cone. [Piper walks in, Flaca smacks it out Taystee's hand, it almost hits Piper] Man! Get off me, girl!
Flaca Bitch! [Flaca tackles Taystee] Get this bitch off of me! [Flaca rips out some of Taystee's hair]
Taystee B fucking took my hair out! [Thompson and Bennett walk in, the fight ends immediately]
Thompson Please tell me y'all ain't fighting over ice cream!
Taystee King Cone. [Piper looks down at the smashed ice cream]
Scene change - Piper's bunk, Piper is awake while her roommates are asleep, she hears Anita snoring heavily, Nicky humming and Miss Rosa filing her nails
Nicky You okay, Chapman?
Piper Yeah.
Nicky [Taking her bra off] You know, I'd give you a pretzel, but the walls have eyes, and I'm not retarded.
Miss Rosa When I first got here, I had troubles like you. There was a disagreement. Then we brawled. That's how you settled things. And if I'd have won, I'd have been le jefa, intead of this. Thank God I got cancer. No one fucks with cancer.
Nicky Good talk. [Nicky rolls over and goes to sleep, she grunts] Fuck. [Miss Rosa clicks her torch off, Piper's stomach loudly grumbles, Piper groans]
Flashback - Larry's house, Larry is reading The Complete Master Cleanse
Larry So it's nothing but lemonade.
Piper It's a cleanse.
Larry No vegetable juice? Fiber? We are going to deny ourselves sustenance while there are people that starve Kinshasa. [Piper looks confused] It's racist to just say "Africa". You put cayenne pepper in this?
Piper Yes! Yes. It flushes out toxins.
Larry We don't smoke, we don't snort crack.
Piper Honey, don't you think the little rocks would hurt your nose if you tried to snort crack? I think you mean coke.
Larry You know what I mean. You know, you don't let me buy food unless it's locally-grown, grass-fed, conflict-free...
Piper I'm perfectly fine doing this on my own!
Larry No. No, no, no, no. Honey, that's not what I'm saying.
Piper [Interrupting] You're making fun of it!
Larry No, I'm just...When you said cleanse, I thought you meant we'd be eating more kale.
Piper We can eat more kale when we're transitioning back to food.
Larry Okay. What about dinners out? Weekend brunches? I mean, isn't this going to turn us into anti-social losers?
Piper Well, it doesn't have to. [Piper slides a cuppie along the counter to Larry]
Larry [Laughs] I'm not gonna be the guy that shows up with his lemonade cuppie.
Piper Okay. Okay. For me, this is it for the next seven days. If you wanna back out, I'm not gonna love you any less. We did say that we were gonna do it together. But if you don't wanna be "that guy," I'm perfectly happy doing it on my own.
Larry Well, where's the fun in that?
Piper [Squeals] See!? [Piper kisses Larry]
Larry [Sighing] Oh, God!
Present day - Larry enters Litchfield to visit Piper, other visitors are being scanned, Larry walks over the reception desk
Bell Oh, look, it's the fiancé.
Larry [Chuckles] I should be on the list.
Bell And I should be on American Idol, but I can't sing for shit. [Bell checks the list] No Larry Bloom here.
Larry What?
Bell Oh, this is from last week. [Bell continues reading her magazine]
Larry Where's this week's?
Bell In another office. [Bell laughs to herself, and then picks up the phone slowly] Have a seat. [Larry sits down and sighs, he notices a contraband poster]
Scene change - Staircase, many inmates are crowding around a small window to see their friends and family walk in
Bennett Okay, try not to crowd around, ladies. Come on, now. [All the girls walk down the stairs] Thank you.
Daya Can I have some gum?
Bennett Sorry. Can't do that. [Laughs] Inmates aren't allowed.
Daya I get it. You can't give special treatment.
Bennett It'd look funny. Like I liked you.
Daya Don't you? [Bennett remains silent and walks away]
Scene change - Visitation room, Larry sits down, waiting for Piper eagerly, Piper walks in
Piper Oh, my God, honey!
Larry [Standing up quickly and hugging her] Oh, baby. Hey.
Piper Hi.
Larry Honey.
Piper Oh! Hi.
Thompson That's enough! [Piper and Larry break their hug and kiss]
Larry Sorry. I'm so sorry I'm late.
Piper No, it's fine.
Larry I swear, I was here, but I think they were, like, deliberately fucking with me.
Piper No, whatever, it's fine. You're here.
Larry You look great! I mean, who knew you could rock orange?
Piper Please, come on.
Larry Seriously! And your face is all cheekboney.
Piper [Whispering] Well, I haven't eaten since Wednesday.
Larry What?
Piper She's starving me out.
Larry Who?
Piper [Looks around, noticing a vending machine] Oh, my God. Do you have any change?
Larry Oh...yeah, yeah, I think so. What do you want?
Piper Literally anything. Go. [Piper and Larry stand up and make their way over to the vending machine; Larry digs into his pocket and pulls out some change; they notice a sign saying "OUT OF ORDER"] No.
Larry I don't think they work, honey.
Piper No. No! NO! [Piper hits the machine]
Thompson Inmate, step away from the machine! [Walking toward them]
Larry [Whispering] He just called you "inmate."
Thompson You too, sir!
Larry Sorry.
Piper [Pointing at the machine] This is her! She did this.
Larry Who? Who are you talking about?
Piper The woman who runs the kitchen.
Larry [Whispering] What? Why are we whispering?
Piper She's starving me out. I insulted the food.
Larry [Sitting down] Oh, Piper. Your foot in mouth disease?
Piper [Crying] I'm an idiot. She's issued a fucking fatwa against me! I think I'm gonna have to fight her.
Larry What?
Piper How am I supposed to prison-fight an old Russian lady with back problems? [Sobbing]
Larry Hey, Piper. Come on. You're not. That's ridiculous. You don't have to fight anyone. Okay? Hey, hey, hey, hey, stop. Stop. [Larry holds Piper's wrist and strokes her face]
Thompson No touching!
Larry Jesus.'s gonna be okay. [Piper exhales loudly] All right? [Piper shakes her head] Your commissary money's coming, right? I sent...I sent the cheque the minute I left here. Express mail. Even if you have to live off Snicker's bars, [Piper looks over to Alex Vause] it's gonna be okay.
Piper I hate that you're seeing me like this.
Larry At least I get to see you.
Piper Tell me that you're not watching Mad Men.
Larry What?
Piper Promise me you're not watching Mad Men without me, that when I get out of here, we're gonna binge watch it, together, in bed, with take out from...
Larry Gertie's?
Piper Yes. Yes.
Larry Yes, of course, 100%.
Thompson [A buzz is heard] Visiting hours have come to a close.
Larry Jesus, really? That was like two minutes.
Thompson Visitors, please make your way to the exit.
Larry We can hug again.
Piper What?
Larry Once coming in, once going out. [They stand] Come here. [Larry hugs Piper] I love you, babe. [Piper looks over at Alex, she winks, Piper kisses Larry, Larry leaves]
Tricia [Walks over to the vending machine and plugs it back in and removes the out of order sign] Sorry. [Piper storms out of the visitation room]
Scene change - Red's bunk, Gina and Norma are trying to wake Red up
Gina [Whispering] Red? [Louder] Red?
Red [Startled] What is it?
Gina Betty's dead. [Red falls back onto her bed and sighs]
Scene change - Kitchen, Red's Family watch on as Luschek inspects "Betty"
Red She was a good girl.
Gina No one heard her go.
Luschek Get over it. It's a freezer. See, what happened here was a breach in the main coolant line. Big, nasty breach. Ugly breach. Bad, bad breach.
Tricia What's that smell?
Luschek That's the Freon. Some people use it for huffing. Makes for a super intense but short-lived high. Similar to...uh, crack, but without the migraines. [Tricia and Nicky look at each other]
Red [To Norma] Put those in ice water. Don't stack those, Gina. [Miss Claudette pulls out a frozen cat]
Nicky Nice pussy.
Red Don't ask.
Miss Claudette I don't intend to.
Red Thanksgiving's coming twice this year, ladies. Spread the word! [Piper walks in]
Piper Okay, I understand what you have to do.
Red [Almost ignoring her] What?
Piper I'm not a fighter. Go ahead. [Red keeps on walking around]
Red I'm a little busy here. [To Norma] Pick up those rags.
Piper I'm not gonna swing first.
Red Good.
Piper [Shouting] Just hit me and get it over with!
Red I said I'm a little busy.
Piper I'm not leaving until you do it!
Red [Calmy, whispering] Three, two, one. [Normal level] You want me to hit you? [Red runs her hand through her hair]
Piper Yeah.
Red Okay, get ready. [Everyone turns to watch] You called my food disgusting. You're not getting hazed, you're not getting harassed, you're getting starved. [Red pushes Piper] To death! [Red pushes Piper into the wall] You'll leave Litchfield as a skeleton in a body bag. Pow! Now march your yuppie ass outta my kitchen! [Piper walks out] Slowly, so you don't burn too many calories.
Flashback - Red is power walking with the mobster's wives
Red ...So the third time, same thing happens. And the farmer looks at his wife, then back at the penguin, and finally, the penguin goes [Chuckling] "He's not an eggplant, man, he's retarded!" [Red laughs alone] You get it? 'Cause he-
Marina We get it.
Sonya My brother was retarded.
Red Oh, so sorry to hear that. You know, my husband's a little slow. Says he was dropped on his head when he was born. Just my luck. They couldn't have dropped him on his dick? [Red chuckles]
Marina I think I slept wrong last night. Should we call it a short walk today, ladies?
Sonya Yes.
Red Oh, you barely broke a sweat!
Sonya Oh, my son has a dentist appointment.
Red Oh, okay.
Marina We're close to your house, no?
Red [Pointing across the park] Yeah. Right over there. Same time tomorrow?
Marina We'll let you know. [Red smiles, thinking she has done well]
Scene change - Kitchen, Luschek is shocked by "Betty"
Luschek Oh, shit! Did no one think to turn this off?
Scene change - Staff corridor, Red walks through it, despite being out of bounds
Red Where's his highness?
Bennett You're out of bounds.
Red [Goes into the bathroom] Healy?
Bennett Sir, I told her not to...
Healy Jesus Christ!
Red I need a new freezer!
Healy We can talk about this later, Red!
Red You have been saying that for three years.
Healy We're dealing with a very serious budget situation here.
Bennett [Red covers her nose] Should I subdue the inmate?
Healy The warden has been very clear about spending this quarter!
Red [Going right up to his cubicle] You want me to walk? I'll walk, happily. Remember the last time I gave back the keys to the kitchen?
Healy I'll see what I can do.
Red Thank you. [She walks out of the bathroom] Ugh, like a dying animal it smells in there.
Caputo A dying animal, or just a man who eats your food?
Red [Turns on her heel] Ugh, with you too.

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