Looks Blue, Tastes Red/Transcript

	Title card: a Netflix Original Series - Soundtrack "You've Got Time"
	Flashback - Black Adoption Fair, 1992. Young couples look hopefully around for children to possibly adopt.
Taystee	Wanna hear my song? [Singing] I am beautiful in every single way. Yes words can't bring me down. Oh, no...
Brichelle	[Walks over cutting off Taystee singing] Hi, I'm Brichelle.
Rhonda	Hello.
Taystee	Brichelle! You back the fuck off! [Brichelle runs away, Rhonda and her husband look at each other] She got impulse control issues, you know? I'm real smart. I know the whole periodic chart. I love science.
Kristen	Okay, Tasha, how about we get you some shaved ice, yes? What flavour would you like?
Taystee	But I was...
Kristen	Tasha!
Taystee	Blue.
	Scene change - Park Bench. Taystee sits alone, miserable, eating her "blue" flavoured shaved ice, a middle-aged woman walks over and wipes the bench with her handkerchief.
Vee	[She and Tasha exchange looks, she looks at Tasha's shaved ice] That looks vile.
Taystee	It look blue, but it tastes red.
Vee	Blue and red are colours, darlin'. They're not flavours.
Taystee	Well, it's tasty. [Chuckles] I like me something tasty. Especially on days like now. People only want the babies.
Vee	Of course they want the babies. Babies are cute.
Taystee	I'm cute.
Vee	No you're big. And your hair's ratsy. And you're too eager, and too dark. And now your mouth is blue, but I suppose it tastes like red.
Taystee	You nasty.
Vee	[Lighting a cigarette] Mmm-hmm. I just call 'em like I see 'em, darlin'. Your group home in this neighbourhood?
Taystee	How you know I live in a group home? [Vee chuckles, a boy walks over and hands Vee a large wad of cash]
Vee	My dear boy, this feels light to me. Light ain't right unless you like sleeping on the streets.
Boy (Presumbly (RJ)	Nah, it ain't light. It's just big bills.
Vee	Well then, I'll see you at home for dinner, baby. [The boy nods and leaves]
Taystee	Aw, shit. You a connect.
Vee	I'm a businesswoman. I couldn't help hear you braggin' on your science back there. I'm impressed.
Taystee	I also know pi.
Vee	Your ass tells me you know pie.
Taystee	Pi. Not "pie." Up to 56 digits.
Vee	You care to learn the trade?
Taystee	Hell, no, not with no connect. I get in trouble, I never find a forever family.
Vee	You might wanna start thinkin' about making your own forever family, Taystee. You wait around for one to come along, you might die waitin'.
Taystee	My name is Tasha.
Vee	Yeah, but Taystee suits you somehow. Like you said, everybody like a little somethin' tasty. I'll be keepin' my eye on you, Taystee Girl. See you around the way. [Taystee gets up and leaves]
	Present day - Litchfield Prison, Taystee and several other inmates have been selected for the job fair, they are changing into business attire.
Taystee	This is sweet! Yo! I'd rock this if I wasn't being all professional.
Black Cindy	Why you care? You know it's all bullshit.
Taystee	Bullshit or no, I wanna win.
Mrs. Sackin	Ladies, it's about a good first impression.
Lorna	[Holding a blue dress] You got anything in white? My mother always said that was my colour. [Mrs. Sackin points towards a section]
Nicky	Ugh! I mean, you could smell every inmate that's worn this. You ever wash this shit?
Black Cindy	You got something for the larger woman? Big and beautiful?
Mrs. Sackin	We have plus size on the end there.
Black Cindy	[Picks up the dress] Aw, shit. Man, I don't wanna wear no sack. I got curves. I'm a plushious woman.
Flaca	If this is really about career dressing for us, shouldn't this be all, like, McDonald's and maids' uniforms?
Mrs. Sackin	No! Do not think small. We are dressing ourselves for the career that we want. You have to put it into the universe, dress for success.
Sophia	[To Anita] Take the leopard.
Anita	Oh! I didn't see the leopard. Ooh, that's cute.
Leanne	What if I wanna be, like, a marine biologist. You got a wet suit? [Everyone laughs]
Mrs. Sackin	If you want to apply for a job in marine biology, you might have to go to an office for an interview.
Black Cindy	Ha!
Mrs. Sackin	[Pulling out a peach blouse] Ah, what about this? The peach tones would look so good with your skin.
Sophia	[Wearing a sequin cocktail dress] Could somebody help zip me, please?
Nicky	Uh, I don't think that's gonna work.
Sophia	You callin' me fat?
Nicky	No, I'm just saying that you're...Yeah, you're broad. You're like a broad broad.
Black Cindy	She a broad somethin'.
Sophia	And you a bitch somethin'.
Lorna	I'm gonna pull in this side here.
Sophia	Careful, careful.
Lorna	And you pull in that side. And someone's gotta get the zipper. [Nicky walks over to help] Okay, we can do this.
Taystee	I'll do the zipper. Let's go, suck it in, girl.
Sophia	I am sucking. [Grunts] Fuck. [The zip goes up, finally]
Flaca	Oh, God.
Sophia	How's it look.
Flaca	Like, I don't wanna be anywhere near you when those beads pop off and shoot people in the face. [Sophia puts her hands on her hips]
Lorna	Out of curiosity, what kind of job were you thinkin' of getting in that?
Sophia	I'm just here playin' dress-up.
Bell	Ladies, you better get movin'. We're walkin' over to that chapel in 10 minutes.
Lorna	I don't have anything!
Bell	[To Mrs. Sackin] Hey, can I ask you something? What would you wear if you were going to a job interview at a medical supply company it Utica? Just, hypothetically speaking.
	Scene change - Kitchen, Maria and Maritza are cooking for the inmates, they are annoyed about Flaca
Maria	How come Flaca gets to do job fair and we're stuck in here?
Gloria	'Cause Flaca asked first, and if I let everybody go, nobody would be here. Next time, ask first.
Maritza	She don't even need job fair. Her boyfriend's like the king of molly. He be selling to every club kid in New York. That shit is blowing up.
Aleida	What's molly?
Luschek	The pure powder form of MDMA. Supposed to be like a clean ecstasy, but it made me grind my teeth.
Aleida	How come you ain't in jail, Luschek?
Luschek	I am in jail, every fuckin' day. You want the radiator on or off?
Maira	Off, it's hot enough in here.
Maritza	And freezing everywhere else. The pipes in our bathroom froze again, how about deal with that?
Luschek	I'm not a plumber.
Maria	Oh, our mistake, you got that whole ass-crack thing going, so...[Luschek stands up and pulls up his trousers]
Luschek	Inmate, you want me to give you a shot?
Gloria	Hey, have a job fair brownie. [Luschek takes one and leaves] Maria, stop running your mouth and start running the dishwasher. Daya? Ven, I've got something for you. [Norma hands Gloria a cup]
Daya	Thank God. I'm dying. Is this gonna work?
Gloria	It should, drink up, mami. [Daya drinks the liquid, Aleida walks over]
Aleida	What are you giving her over there?
Daya	It's nothing.
Gloria	It's to help her poop, she's backed up.
Aleida	Why didn't you tell me?
Daya	You don't wanna hear about my bathroom.
Aleida	Of course I do.
Daya	Okay, Aleida. I haven't shit for five days! You happy?
Maritza	Ugh!
Daya	Thank you, Gloria. [Daya leaves]
Aleida	What do you think you're doing?
Gloria	Oh, man, relax. It's prune juice, olive oil, a little magic. It's not gonna hurt the baby.
Aleida	You're not her mother. I'm her mother.
Gloria	I think right now you're more like her aunt.
Aleida	Uh-uh. No. I didn't get me a belly full of stretch marks to be no fucking tía.
Gloria	Look, relax. She came to me, I helped her out. She's comfortable with me.
Aleida	Yeah, too comfortable.
	Scene change - Chapel, Fig is giving an assembly on the upcoming job fair ran by "BeWise, Inc."
Fig	So, as you can see, we have a very exciting few days planned for all of you. And now to start things off, here from Dress for Success, to give you some dos and don'ts of interview dressing, Mrs. Sackin. [Cheers and applause]
Mrs. Sackin	Thank you. Dress for Success is the premier support network for today's unemployed woman. Let us begin our journey. Ladies? [A catwalk style music plays, Sophia, then Leanne, then Flaca, then Lorna, then Nicky, then Anita, then Taystee, and finally, then Black Cindy walk on stage, wearing their outfits] Okay, right away, what do we see? That a cocktail dress is not proper interview attire. This is not corporate or even daytime wear.
Taystee	Nope.
Mrs. Sackin	Wholly unprofessional.
Sophia	I'm just showing off my assets. [The audience cheers]
Mrs. Sackin	Next, I'm going to say leopard [Anita], little sailor girl [Lorna], and our friend in peach [Leanne] here are also not properly attired for an interview. The animal print is too racy, and implies poor judgement, [Anita winks and does up her collar] and the sailor outfit is childish. Companies are looking to hire adults.
Nicky	Adults.
Mrs. Sackin	And finally, the peach is simply ill-fitting, dated, and not flattering.
Leanne	But you told me to wear it.
Sophia	Yeah, you did.
Leanne	I just wanna swim with dolphins.
Mrs. Sackin	Thank you, you can leave the stage now. [Anita, Sophia, Lorna and Leanne leave, leaving Flaca, Nicky, Cindy and Taystee left] Okay, let's look at what's going right up here. [Nicky bends over] This is a good interview outfit. It fits her well. The dark stockings give it a conservative, polished finish. I believe the makeup is a bit gothic and heavy-handed, but overall the look is solid.
Flaca	That's right, solid.
Mrs. Sackin	Another strong ensemble we have is the pantsuit and blouse. [Nicky opens the suit up a bit] It's classic. However, we do run into some serious problems with personal grooming here.
Nicky	Huh?
Mrs. Sackin	The hair, it's messy, unpolished, unkempt.
Nicky	My hair is clean.
Mrs. Sackin	[Enthusiastically] It's wild and slovenly.
Nicky	[Mocking Mrs. Sackin] I'm sorry it's not uptight and boring.
Mrs. Sackin	But here, the hair is nicely coiffed, the makeup is subtle and understated. However, the shirt is too sheer, and the skirt is too tight.
Taystee	Uh-uh, hold up. Pause. At job fair last year, this was the winnin' outfit. I seen it myself. That's why I picked it instead of the blue dress I know I'd look bangin' in.
Mrs. Sackin	Let's talk a moment about dressing for your body type and skin tone. A fuller-figured woman might wanna choose a looser-fitting garment, perhaps a dress as opposed to a shirt and a skirt. [Black Cindy walks forward in her outfit] Not as loose as this, which resembles a large burlap muumuu.
Black Cindy	No shit!
Mrs. Sackin	But something in a jewel tone with a contrasting scarf.
Black Cindy	I know I look good.
Taystee	[Stepping forward] Man, I still look hella office. I walk in, they be like "Yeah, she knows her business." [The audience cheers] So, who wins?
Mrs. Sackin	Overall, despite the excessive eye makeup, I would have to give it to this young lady right here. [Gestures to Flaca]
Flaca	[The audience applauds] That's right. Latina, we the winna.
Taystee	Man, you gave it to Franken-cha-cha? This is some bullshit, shit to the bull. [Taystee rolls her eyes]
	Flashback - Vee's house, outside. Taystee runs down the steps and meets her friend, Felicia, outside
Taystee	Damn, that Kool take you out to dinner first?
Felicia	Man, you sound just like Marsha.
Taystee	You know she right there in that kitchen?
Felicia	Like I care? Only got two weeks left in this shithole. [Vee and her gang walk over]
Vee	Little girl, you look like a dragon with all that smoke coming out of your nose.
Taystee	Please, you smoke like a hooptie's tailpipe, puffin' up and down the street. [Taystee laughs]
Vee	I'm an adult, it gives me the right to make bad choices. We heading over to Rayleen's for something delicious. Care to join us?
Taystee	I gotta work.
Vee	Well, we working too, except our work doesn't leave us smelling like rancid oil.
Taystee	Yeah, you as clean as a drug dealing whistle.
Vee	[Offended] You should decline an offer by simply saying, "No, thank you." Otherwise, people will stop inviting you to things.
Felicia	I could eat. [Taystee nudges Felicia]
Vee	Well, come on, then. Let's nourish that body. Bye-bye, Taystee Girl. [Vee and her gang leave, including Felicia]
RJ	Sure you tryin' to come out and eat, though?
Taystee	No, RJ. I gotta get to work.
RJ	All right, be safe, though. [RJ and Taystee do an elaborate handshake, Taystee and RJ walk in different directions]
	Present day - Commissary Cube, O'Neill is jogging on the spot
Red	Is the chicken flavour Cup of Noodles back in stock, or have you only got shrimp?
Chang	We got cream of chicken.
Red	No, I don't like that one.
Chang	You want shrimpy?
Red	Sure, I'll take five of those, and I don't want the tuna with the spicy sauce, just plain tuna. Oh, and for the coffee, the dark roast, please. How's the fitness going, O'Neill?
O'Neill	I'm in the forty-seven hundreds. Over ten thousand steps a day.
Red	You'll make it easy, it's still early, and good for you.
O'Neill	One step at a time.
Chang	Uh-oh, problem.
Red	What kind of problem?
Chang	No-money-in-account problem.
Red	What are you talking about? [Chang holds a piece of paper against the grid, Red puts her glasses on and reads]
Chang	Call your family. I can't sell you shit. Sorry, next! [Red leaves]
	Scene change - Caputo's office, Caputo looks at his plants, and rubs his hands together
Caputo	Do you understand what this is doing to my plants? There was frost on my succulent. This is a desert plant, it should not be freezing.
Luschek	Look, the furnace needs to be replaced. I could dickpaw it all day. It's never getting hot again.
Caputo	Mmm, like your mother.
Luschek	Ah, a delightful "your mama" joke? That's priceless. [Sarcastic]
Caputo	What did Fig say?
Luschek	What do you think? She hiked up her skirt...
Caputo	Yeah...
Luschek	...told me to band-aid the old heap and gave me 50 bucks to buy a space heater for her office.
Caputo	And you ran off like a good little puppy and you did it for her.
Luschek	Joke's on her. The space heater cost 27 bucks, thats 23 bucks profit, man. That's dinner for two at Sizzler.
Caputo	[Taking a large wad of cash out his pocket] Here's four dollars. Add it to the 23. Buy me one of those space heaters, or I'm gonna rat you out. No Sizzler for you.
Luschek	Shit.
	Scene change - Cafeteria, Red waits in line, Big Boo takes her tray
Maritza	Hey, where's your doggy?
Big Boo	Um...
	Flashback - Boo's bunk, Boo spreads peanut butter over her hand and feeds it to Little Boo
Big Boo	[Softly] Look what I got, look what I got. That's right, that's right. [Little Boo eats the peanut butter] Oh! You love that, don't you? Yeah, yeah. You just lick, lick, lick. You like peanut butter, don't you? You like that, don't you? Oh, just lick, lick, lick. Lick. [Big Boo looks a the peanut butter then Little Boo] Lick.
	Present day - Big Boo resumes her conversation with Maritza
Big Boo	It got weird.
Maritza	Oh, okay. [Big Boo leaves, Maritza notices Red and gasps] Look who's here.
Daya	Should I tell Gloria?
Maria	Nah, a few weeks ago, Gloria said the roja could eat, but she just never came in till now.
Daya	Why'd she let her off the hook?
Maritza	Well, you got to figure, she lost her kitchen, she lost her girls, and her hair is all fucked up. Let her have some shitty food and get on with her life.
Maria	If it was up to me, [In Spanish] I'd never let her back in here. [In English] That's a bear. [In Spanish] A big Russian bear. And right now [In English] she's hibernating until she gets strong again [In Spanish] and she's gonna stand up on her back legs [In English] and she's gonna shred up [In Spanish] everybody with her bear claws and her bear teeth.
Maritza	[In English] What the fuck do you know about bears? What, you live by the Bronx Zoo or something? [Red walks over, Daya hands her a tray, Red takes it and nods at Maria]
Maria	[In Spanish] Red bear. You can see it in her eyes.
Maritza	[In English] You're full of shit.
Maria	Nah, Daya's the one who's full of shit.
Maritza	[Laughing] It's true.
Daya	It's not funny right now, I'm not in a good way.
Maritza	She's right, it's our "doodie" not to make fun of her.
Maria	Yeah, 'cause that would be crappy. [Maria and Maritza laugh]
Daya	You guys are such assholes.
Maria	At least these assholes are working. Oh, snap! [Maritza and Maria laugh again, across the hall, Red walks past Lorna and Big Boo]
Lorna	[Points at Red] Ook-lay oo's-hay ere-hay. [Red leaves]
Big Boo	Subtle, Morello.
Lorna	It's just still throwing me, you know? Not seeing her in her chef's jacket, you know? It's like when you see a cop in sweat pants in your kitchen after he's spent the night with your sister. Little splooge on the sweat pants, and you feel weird about it. [Big Boo says nothing, Red arrives a the Golden Girls' table, Blanca Flores gabbles at her in Spanish]
Frieda	She said she's seeing some shit.
Red	[Dismissively] Oh.
Frieda	She's high as a kite on Psych meds.
Red	That's too bad. [Red tucks her napkin into her hoodie]
Frieda	Care to join us?
Red	No, thanks. Happy here, nice and quiet. But, thank you.
Frieda	Suit yourself. [Red starts eating]
	Scene change - Hallway, Fischer is walking Pennsatucky down the hallway. she is badly bruised, Angie turns and sees her
Angie	Penn. Hi. We didn't think we were ever gonna see you again, what happened?
Pennsatucky	Last thing I remember is I was an angel.
Angie	Well, I heard y'all beat the holy mess out of each other.
Pennsatucky	Yeah, I mean, I suppose she got a few licks in.
Angie	Well, talk to you later.
	Scene change - Healy's office. Healy is listening to Russian and trying to learn it.
Recording	[In Russian] I understand.
Healy	[In Russian] I understand.
Recording	[In Russian] Would you like to dance?
Healy	[In Russian] Would you like to dance? [Fischer walks in, Sam turns the player off] Hey, Fischer, how you doing?
Fischer	Fine, sir, thanks for asking, back in the swing of things.
Healy	Good to hear. Doggett, take a seat. Would you close the door, please? [Pennsatucky sits down] So, out of the penalty box, huh?
Pennsatucky	I'm sorry, what?
Healy	Nothing. Penalty box, hockey?
Pennsatucky	Oh, no, no, no, no, no. No hockey, Mr Healy. I've been in the SHU. It's been like a month, I think, right? A month? Yeah. So they just pulled me out, said I was back. Am I back?
Healy	For now. I suppose you're wondering why I called you down here.
Pennsatucky	Uh, counselling? Make sure I don't go cuckoo again? I won't. I got all my marbles back.
Healy	I thought we should talk. Get things straight.
Pennsatucky	All right. I mean, I can promise to you that I've never felt more saner than I do now. You know, when you spend that much time down in solitude, it's like real purification. You know, my heart feels right.
Healy	I suppose you had time to reflect on that evening, then?
Pennsatucky	Nope, [Laughs] because my head is so fuzzy.
Healy	Oh? Is that so?
Pennsatucky	I mean, I suffered multiple contusions and...lacerations, and it's just freakin' painful, and now that I got through it, I started to remember, and then lots of stuff came back to me. Yep.
Healy	She angered you, you confronted her, and you fought.
Pennsatucky	Yes.
Healy	That's it, end of story.
Pennsatucky	No, there's more.
Healy	What more?
Pennsatucky	What are you talking about? There's, like, angles, and there's, like, extenuations and then there's--
Healy	I didn't know what I was seeing, Doggett. Do you hear what I am saying? I had no idea that you two were gonna...You could have been having a talk, a lover's quarrell, even, I don't know, and I certainly didn't see a weapon. Holiday times, tensions get high. I mean, God knows Katya was testier than ever then, but don't think for a second that anyone is gonna believe a meth-addled hillbilly over me. Be 100% fucking clear on that.
Pennsatucky	Well, they might just...um, believe the poster girl for the right-to-life movement. You know, I was on Greta Van Susteren, and what if they knew you were about to let me get killed?
Healy	I ought to throw you back in seg and let you rot. [Leans back] What would help you forget what you think you saw?
	Scene change - Fig's office, Andrew Nance and Fig are having a meeting about budget
Andrew	Uh, I'm still not sure how that answers the questions I have regarding the budget.
Fig	That's why I invited you today. Programs like Dress for Success, our job fair, our Christmas pageant, Readers to Readers, are not a top priority for the DOC, but they are so important for morale, for education, for rehabillitation. Until we can get the government on board with some serious reform, a little shifting of funds is a necessity, but I assure you all of the money is being used for the good of the prison and its residents.
Andrew	Okay. And I noticed that your husband is running for state senate. Is your passion for education a value he shares?
Fig	Absolutely. Uh, but any questions you have for Jason, you can direct towards his office. I hope I've shed some light on how the money is being used to benefit the inmates here at Litchfield.
Andrew	Uh, well, actually, I've got a few more questions.
Fig	[Cutting Andrew off] Because I'm afraid, sadly, I have to get back to work. Prison doesn't run itself. [Andrew goes to say something but agrees]
	Scene change - Laundry room, Leanne throws a huge pile of new jumpsuits onto the table
Leanne	I mean, she gave me the freakin' outfit. It was one big setup. So now, the two black girls, the lesbo junkie girl, and some Mexican get to go on and do the interview part, and I'm back here.
Angie	Well, your makeup looks real pretty. Like, I didn't even know you had eyelashes 'til today. You look really nice.
Leanne	Thanks, Ange. That's nice of you to say.
Angie	Hey, did you know that Penn's out of seg?
Leanne	What?
Angie	Mmm-hmm.
Leanne	How do you know?
Angie	'Cause I seen her, after lunch, walking to Healy's office.
Leanne	How'd she look?
Angie	She looked pretty rough. I mean, if her teeth was bad before? Woof, ain't much left in there.
Leanne	[After a pause] Don't get me wrong or nothin', but since she's been away, hasn't it been, like, kind of nice in here?
Angie	What do you mean?
Leanne	I don't know, like...like, peaceful, easy. No yelling, no telling everyone they're going to Hell, just...just quiet, you know?
Angie	Yeah.
Leanne	But you won't tell her I said nothing, right?
Angie	'Course not.
	Scene change - Bathhouse, Larry and Howard sit side by side relaxing, two nude men walk past
Larry	So, where's Piper now?
Howard	Still in Chicago, I imagine it. Larry, I wanted to talk about you, not her.
Larry	She staying there? In Chicago? [Chuckles] She hates deep-dish.
Howard	Don't know if she's staying. Don't think she's eating a whole lot of pizza. Larry...
Larry	[Cuts Howard off] How'd she seem to you?
Howard	Seemed like an idiot to me. I gave her advice, and she didn't take it. You gave her love, and she cheated on you. I'm not a fan, and end of topic.
Larry	I miss her.
Howard	Well, then, find a disctraction, son, something that doesn't involve moping around, eating crap and playing that World of Warlock.
Larry	Warcraft.
Howard	Warcraft, perfect. You can join the tank corps, another waste of time. Go get laid.
Larry	[Sighs] I'm not ready.
Howard	For what? For sticking your dick into something new and cute and moving it around? All guys are ready for that. These two over there are ready for it any moment now. [Howard gestures to the two men who walked past earlier] Get on with your life. [The door opens, several more nude men walk into the bath house]
Larry	[Sighs] You're right. No, you're right. She cheated, right? I mean...She lied, why am I holding on? Prison changed her, it changes people.
Howard	I heard that.
Larry	I mean, she was not a lesbian anymore, not with me, you know? Then she's in prison, what, a few weeks? Bam! A lesbian again. Or bi? I don't even know. It was good with us, I know it was. I think, shit. I mean, what if that was a lie, too? But, I don't think it was, I don't think it was, I mean, you know, I know I have some talent, I'm very attentive and thorough, you know, I do good work, I'm not small.
Howard	Larry.
Larry	You're right, I should get out there. I need to get out there. I'm gonna get out there. I made her come vaginally, do you know how hard that is to do?
Howard	Please, Larry...
Larry	My point is...[Sighs] I don't even know what my point is anymore. [Larry looks at the two nude men from before] Dad?
Howard	Yeah?
Larry	Why did you bring us to a gay bath house?
Howard	It's a nice place, clean. A shvitz is a shvitz. [A man moans loudly from behind] I had a Groupon.
Larry	Ah, gotcha.
	Scene change - Litchfield Prison, the inmates are being interviewed for the Job Fair in a montage style way
Flaca	Wait, so, I could put that on my résumé thing? Workin' for my cousin?
Arthur	Sure! But, instead of saying you helped make sure no one stole shit, you could say that you monitored inventory and provided security.
Flaca	Ah, okay, okay. I see that, I could do that.
Poussey	I want the kind of job where I could just chill, you know? Chill out, collect a cheque.
Nicky	According to this aptitude test, I should be a professional athlete, a park ranger, or a correctional officer.
Taystee	Working at Storky's means I have experience in the food service industry.
Arthur	That's it.
Taystee	And because I can remember shit, and add real fast, I have high retention abilities and exceptional math skills.
Arthur	You're getting it.
Lorna	Well, I just wanna get married to Christopher and have his babies and make the house look nice.
Poussey	Maybe in the sunshine, like on the beach, surrounded by, mmm, beautiful people. [Laughs]
Nicky	Are you at all aware that you just told an inmate in prison that she could become a correctional officer? What the fuck is wrong with you?
Watson	I do want to be a professional athlete, but you don't just snap your fingers and become that.
Suzanne	I was hoping to work with mentally ill children. I think I could offer some insight into what they might be experiencing and help them to heal and recover.
Lorna	Maybe I'll Pinterest, I hear that's a thing.
Sister Ingalls	I went from wearing a habit, to wearing a prison uniform. I don't think the fashion industry would be a viable option for me.
Suzanne	I would also like to work with round objects. Yeah, round things are very pleasing to me.
Big Boo	Maybe I can umpire women's softball. [Whispering] Then I could get laid.
Taystee	So, also, I can rhyme real good. What do I say about that?
Arthur	Poet inclinations.
Taystee	Ha! That's what I'm talkin' about! See, you and me, we gonna be friends! Yeah, give it to me! Give it to me! [Arthur and Taystee high five] Yeah! That's what I'm talking about! Now let's keep going.
	Scene change - Visitation room, Red and her son, Vasily are talking, Vasily has a large bruise on his eye.
Red	Vasily, what happened to your face? Whispering] Did Ganya's people do that to you?
Vasily	No. No, Ma. Lida hit me in the face with a bag of change.
Red	What?
Vasily	She has this bag of quarters for the laundry sitting on the table. I stumbled in late, a little drunk. She grabbed it, and whack.
Red	Good for her. [Red smirks]
Vasily	Yeah, I appreciate your sympathy, Ma, thank you.
Red	I didn't raise you to come home drunk and upset your wife.
Vasily	She's not my wife.
Red	She's the mother of my grandson, what should I call her?
Vasily	A violent criminal who hurt your baby boy. [Pointing at bruise] This hurts, Ma.
Red	Why won't you marry her? She's a nice girl, she puts up with you.
Vasily	I have a fear of commitment. Okay, mamochka, why don't we talk about you for a little bit?
Red	Because my life is sad and small and a burden to those I love. Papa didn't put any money on the account this month. What's going on?
Vasily	Wanna know what's going on? Ma, the store is empty, okay? Everyone's afraid to go in because they know Ganya's mad at you and Pop for blowing the prison contract.
Red	I got him that contract in the first place!
Vasily	Yeah? Well, maybe you should remind him, because he doesn't remember that part.
Red	Why didn't Papa come?
Vasily	He's at the store all day, half the night, he just sits there, waiting for someone to come in. He's got no help, Ma.
Red	So why don't you help him?
Vasily	Ma, I'm working. I got a family, too. Don't you think I wish I can go there and help him out some more? You know, maybe I should have gone to college, like you said.
Red	What about Yuri and Maxim?
Vasily	We're all working. We're all hustling. We're all trying to avoid crazy women with weapons, okay? [Points to bruise] It's just rough times right now. I'm gonna put some things together. I'll get you money next week, I promise.
Red	Thank you. You're a good son, not great, but pretty good.
Vasily	I'll take it. [Maria and Yadriel speak from across the room, she is holding Pepa]
Maria	God, she already looks so different.
Yadriel	Yeah.
Maria	[To Pepa] Hello! Yeah, that's right! I'm your mommy. And I love you, so, so, so much! And soon we're gonna be spending lots of time together, I promise. Before you can even remember stuff, we're gonna be together. [To Yadriel] When is that? When can you remember? Like, when you're four or five, right? I think I remember something from when I was four.
Yadriel	Don't know.
Maria	[Pepa fusses] Oh! Her head smells so good. And she looks like you, you know, but pretty.
Yadriel	Mmm-hmm.
Maria	Is she a good baby? Does she sleep okay? Is she eating?
Yadriel	Yeah.
Maria	...It's so good talking to you.
Yadriel	Yeah.
	Scene change - B Dorm, Taystee, Watson, Poussey and Cindy are talking about the Job Fair
Taystee	See, I ain't worried. I'm gonna rock that interview, then I'm gonna be the winner of the job fair and they hook me up with a real job. I'm gonna be like an assistant to Judge Joe Brown or one of them TV judges. Or maybe even Judy. Yeah, man. She don't take shit from nobody. I know we'd vibe.
Poussey	Yo, what the fuck are you talkin' about, real job?
Taystee	Last year, the girl who did the best, the job fair people hooked her up with a real job once she was released. They don't announce it or nothing 'cause people get all crazy, but she told me on the low-low.
Black Cindy	Wait, who won last year?
Taystee	Pocano.
Black Cindy	Ocampo?
Taystee	The Filipino chick with the mole?
Black Cindy	Ocampo.
Taystee	Man, the one who worked in the woodshop. She won for best outfit and had the best résumé.
Watson	Why didn't you tell us there was a prize?
Black Cindy	Man, what you think? We are the competition. Now we out the way, so it's just her and the little skinny Mexican doing the interview tomorrow.
Poussey	Man, that shit ain't right, man. You should've told us.
Taystee	But I'm a child of the system, no one ever taught me right from wrong.
Black Cindy	Girl, fuck you!
Taystee	[Laughs] Like you would've did better in your potato sack? [Black Cindy puts her middle finger up at Taystee] Man, I got a chance here, and I'm doing it for all of us. Man, come on! I need y'all rooting for me! We can't let Skinny Bean win. They already got the kitchen, and they got the seats at movie night.
Poussey	True.
Watson	True.
Black Cindy	Y'all gonna let them take this, too?
	Flashback - Vee's office, Taystee stands in the corner, Vee is angry with her
Vee	You had your shot. You had several shots. Now, you got a change of heart? Get outta here.
Taystee	[Sobbing] I can't stay no more in that place, and I can't start over in another home. [Doorbell jingles]
LeJunqi	Excuse me, ma'am. I was just walking through your store, hoping to buy some bubble wrap and maybe ship some chocolates to my aunt in California.
Vee	And that's all I'm gonna sell you, is some bubble wrap, anything else, you got the wrong shop.
LeJunqi	What you talking about? We all good. I paid you 800 last month.
Vee	For real? You gonna make me go to the books?
Taystee	He paid you 800, right? What was the initial agreed-upon price for the quantity in question?
Vee	[Chuckles] Well, look at you, using your big words. 1250, plus he owes me 130 from before.
Taystee	1250 and 130. He in the whole to you for 580, unless there's a vig.
Vee	Oh, you can bet your ass there's a vig.
Taystee	So that would bring it up to 182, plus $50 penalty for partial payment, on the 1250, now we talkin' $682.
LeJunqi	Fuckin' Goldberg over here. Come on, Vee, I got customers waitin' on me. You're my wholesaler. Help a brother out.
Vee	[To Taystee] What you think?
Taystee	I think he seems pretty desperate. I say give him half now and the other half when that debt drops to zero.
LeJunqi	This is fucked. [Vee pulls out a drawer containing packages of heroin]
Vee	Careful, now.
Taystee	He up to 1307 now.
Vee	You find me by week's end. [LeJunqi nods and leaves] Well, looks like adding up all them little nickels and dimes at Burger McFat-Ass done taught you a thing or two, huh, Taystee Girl? You ready to work? [Taystee smirks]
	Present Day - Litchfield Penitentiary Kitchen, the Hispanic girls are clearing up
Gloria	I'm gonna go check on inventory. [Aleida looks into the office, deviously, she walks in and takes a yoghurt out from the fridge, she leaves and adjusts her bra]
	Scene change - Polly and Pete's apartment, Larry rings on the doorbell, carrying groceries, Polly opens the door
Larry	Hey!
Polly	Oh, thank God! Come in. Did you bring the beer?
Larry	Coronas, right?
Polly	No! No, no, no, dark beer! It's supposed to be dark beer. It helps my milk come in. I'm not making fucking fish tacos, Larry. I'm trying to feed my child. [Larry pulls out a case of Guinness beer] And you brought the dark beer, thank you. [Polly's breast becomes exposed]
Larry	You're welcome. [Larry stares at Polly's chest]
Polly	I'm sorry. I'm going bat-shit.
Larry	[Stammering] Uh, Polly, your breast is kind of...
Polly	Ugh, please. They're always out. I'm the UPS guy's new favourite stop.
Larry	[Chuckles] Hey, have you talked to Piper at all?
Polly	No, and you know that. And I know you broke up. And I know she freaked out and got sent to live in a shoe or something, and now she's in Chicago. She fucking hates deep-dish.
Larry	I know!
Polly	Well, I heard all this from her mom. Look, Larry, she's my friend, and I'll always take her side over yours, and I'll always be friend with her, and who knows how long I'll know you? But just between us, I think she's being and idiot and self-destructive and stupid, and my sympathies are with you all the way on this one.
Larry	Well, thank you.
Polly	For what? I never said a thing. I don't talk about Piper with you. That would be disloyal and wrong.
Larry	Gotcha. So, when is Pete back?
Polly	[Sighs[ I don't know, I may not let him come back. The baby is less than three months old and suddenly he has to on a vision quest in the fucking tundra?
Larry	Well, to be fair, he said you told him to go.
Polly	I'm a hormonal moron! I didn't mean it. I didn't think he would actually go. [Sighs] I haven't showered in three days, Larry. My mother is in a fucking pinochle tournament for the whole week, not that she's any help when she's here, and I don't have a goddamn baby nurse because I'm trying attatchemnt parenting and it's fucking bullshit. [Handing Finn to Larry] Here, take this child before I drown him in my tears and sweat.
Larry	Hey, hey, hey, buddy, hello. Hello, baby, hi, it's your Uncle Larry. Hi, how's it going, buddy? We're gonna hang out tonight, man, yeah. We're gonna order some Thai food, maybe watch a little TV. How's that sound? Cool with that?
Polly	[Returns with her breasts entirely exposed now] I'm gonna take a shower. Can you change him?
Larry	...Yeah, I mean, sure, I can try.
Polly	[Leaves] Okay.
Larry	[Sniffs Finn] Mmm! He's all new and just happy.
Polly	Yep, don't worry, Pete and I will fuck that right up.
Larry	No, is that true? Come, now. That's not true. You stay happy, buddy, okay? You just...you just stay happy, all right?
	Scene change - C Dorm Bathrooms, Aleida speaks to Daya through the cubicle door
Aleida	You know, I got the idea from when you was a baby. No one was allowed to ever give you yoghurt, 'cause you would, like, fucking explode. There'd be shit everywhere. Up your back, in your hair. It was so disgusting. But now it's coming in handy, right? Right? Is it working?
Daya	Could you just please give me some privacy here? You're making me really, really uncomfortable.
Aleida	I'm your mother.
Daya	[Sighs] God, can I just shit in peace?
Aleida	Fine. But if you have any action, you let me know, okay? I fucking care.
Daya	Fine, fine, just go. [Aleida pretends to leave]
	Scene change - Library, Taystee is reading up on how to be successful in an interview, Poussey is tailoring her skirt
Poussey	All right, here, stand up. This should fit you better around the waist now. [Poussey hands the skirt over to Taystee]
Taystee	Yeah, thanks for lookin' out, P.
Poussey	It's what you do for family.
Taystee	Yeah, what, you my crazy Aunt Poussey now?
Poussey	No, I'm your sister from another mister about to beat your ass down if you don't read that book till you know it cold. You got some interview ass-kickin' to do. Make me proud. [Poussey and Taystee chuckle]
	Flashback, Vee's House - RJ is making the packaging for heroin, Vee is cooking dinner
Taystee	Guess who's back and better than ever? Hey! [Taystee laughs and drops arts-and-crafts items down on the table] I know you said to get AnyStamp, but the hobby shop was mad fun, yo! You ever been in there? Made me wanna get all crafty, get some puffy paint, or a rhinestone machine. They had a whole fucking aisle of pipe cleaners! Pipe cleaners! Man, in group home, all we got was broken crayons and dried up glue sticks.
Vee	Are we marking scag-bags or we decorating your journal?
RJ	I don't know, though, Vee. I mean, maybe you wanna consider one of these for your trademark, you know? Glue a pair of these on every bag [Holding googly eyes] or call it Googly Smack, you know. Shit's all gangster.
Taystee	All right, maybe I got a little carried away, but look how cute this one is. [Holding a stamp of an owl]
Vee	Can I have my change, please? I did not send you to the store with a C-note to bring back googly eyes.
Taystee	[Sighs] Okay. [Hands Vee the money] But for serious, like, why couldn't you use something different for a stamp? Like Mr. Owl here? People do this shit, right? Like there's dope with all sorts of crazy shit on it.
Vee	It's not about what you put on the package, it's about the quality of your product.
RJ	I don't know, though, she kind of right. You pick something weird, people gonna remember that shit for sure. [Taystee shows Vee 3 stamps, a bicycle, a horse and an owl]
Vee	That owl looks drunk. I like the horse and the bicycle.
Taystee	Okay, say we use the horse. Call our shit Horsey Horse, get it? Because heroin's called horse. Yo, that's money! [Clicks tongue] I'm telling you, people be like, "Ooh, I need me some more of that Horsey Horse. This shit was so good." Before you know it, you've got a call brand.
Vee	Listen to her trying to teach me how to deal. [RJ laughs]
Taystee	Y'all laughing now, but I'm telling you, come visit me one day when I'm on Wall Street and having some white boy get me lunch, and I'm wheelin' a big old deal, and he talking about, "Ms. Jefferson, you have a call on line two."
RJ	Think you've been watching too many movies.
Taystee	I'm just saying, yo, this is not my forever career.
Vee	Girl, you from this hood, you don't get a career, you get a job. This right here is the best-paying job around.
RJ	Preach it, Vee.
Vee	You know what people respect? Money.
RJ	Mmm.
Vee	You keep working for me, that's exactly what you gonna have. Ain't that right, RJ? Don't I take care of my people?
RJ	Yes, ma'am.
Taystee	Eh, whatever.
Vee	[At the stove] Look here, taste this, girl. Tell me if it needs some more salt.
Taystee	[Sips some of the food] Mmm! That is good!
Vee	I know. [Laughs]
Taystee	What is that, pumpkin?
Vee	Butternut squash and ginger, and I threw in some leeks, just 'cause.
Taystee	Mmm!
Vee	All right, now, listen, RJ, clear off that table, grab this salad. Is anybody coming home for dinner?
RJ	Uh, think it's just us.
Vee	All right, grab some bowls, please. Oh, yes, ooh, this smells good. [Puts some bread on the table] Get the placemats. All right. "Horsey Horse..." That's kind of fun. But, Lord, have mercy, it's silly, just like you. [Taystee chuckles, and watches her "forever family."] I tried a new bread tonight, y'all. It's a whole grain flaxseed bread. Y'all need some more fiber in your diet. Grab a knife for this bread, too, Tayst. Bring the bowls, girl. What you waiting for?
	Present day - Cafeteria, Red is reading alone, Irma joins her, as do the rest of the Golden Girls
Frieda	Hey, Red.
Jimmy	These are great seats, you can really see the stage from here.
Red	You really don't need to do this. I mean, I appreciate the gesture and everything, but-
Frieda	But what? We'll be ostracized? Already no one notices us. We're old and invisible, so why not be old together. We keep each other company.
Red	You calling me old?
Jimmy	I'm 23!
Irma	How about matured? Like a big, branchy tree.
Taslitz	With snow-white roots.
Red	Oh, shit. I gotta deal with that, huh? [Taslitz laughs]
Frieda	Or just let it go. Fuck it. Who we trying to impress?
Red	[Puts her book down] She looks rough for 23. [Gestures to Jimmy]
	Scene change - Prison Van, Pennsatucky gets in with a guard
Lorna	Where we going?
Pennsatucky	We're going to town.
Lorna	Really?
Gallego	Medical centre. She's going to the oral surgeon. Hope you got lots of those magazines 'cause it's gonna be hours and hours and hours.
Lorna	Oh, I got plenty. And I got my radio shows. I'll be fine. Good for you, Doggett. [Pennsatucky laughs, exposing her horrid teeth] Congratu-fucking-lations.
Pennsatucky	Thank you!
	Scene change - Chapel, Maxwell Slovin is giving a brief talk
Slovin	That's right, we at Philip Morris Companies believe in second chances. We welcome people who can handle the challenges of manufacturing and marketing products meant for adults in a higly regulated and restricted environment, while striving each day to operate responsibly. Thank you. [There is a loud applause]
Poussey	Man, i thought special guests meant like Mo'Nique or Wesley Snipes or somethin'. Not some cigarette-hawkin' fuck-nut reminding us that only people who want to hire felons are already hated by everybody else.
Black Cindy	Nah,see, they ain't so bad. People can decide for theyselves if they wanna smoke. The real evil are them companies killin' us without consent. Monsanto. Rio Tinto. Big Pharma, BP, Halliburton. I been readin' there's some dark shit goin' down. Not thany of 'em motheruckers ever wanna hire us. But the real criminals, they don't bother us with small-timers.
Fig	And now Mr. Slovin will "interview" two "prospective employees." Many lessons to be learned here, ladies. Please pay close attention. [Flaca and Taystee make their way up onto the stage and sit opposite each other, with Slovin in the middle]
Slovin	Hello, and thank you for coming in today.
Flaca	[Fluttering her eyelids] Well, hello to you, too. [Chuckles]
Taystee	Hello, and thank you so much for taking the time to see me today.
	[The answers are shown in a montage]
Flaca	The best boss I ever had? I would have to say Gloria in the kitchen right here because she's really organized and she plays real good music.
Taystee	My greatest strength, I'd have to say, is my positive attitude, and my aptitude for rote memorisation. I see something once, and I got it down.
Flaca	I use my time very efficiently. I'm almost never late.
Poussey	[From the audience] She was late today.
Taystee	For example, in my old job, a long-term client was about to take his business to a competitor. I was able to meet with the customer and change the way we handled his account on a day-to-day basis in order to keep the business.
Flaca	I think it's important to have close, intimate relationships with your co-workers. It's good for morale, you know? [Places her hand on Slovin's inner thigh]
Black Cindy	[From the audience] Okay, that's, like, a foul.
Slovin	It was lovely meeting both of you, thank you.
Taystee	Thank you, Mr. Slovin, and may I say what a privilege it would be to work for the Philip Morris Corporation, a company that has remained the largest cigarette manufacturer in the US since 1983, plus has increased its dividends 46 times in the last 44 years. You all tore this market up in the face of the world that was tryna tear you down. Now, see, that's the company for me.
Black Cindy	Yeah! Yeah!
Poussey	Yeah, Taystee!
Slovin	Thank you, Miss Jefferson. Yeah, yes, let's hear a round of applause for Miss Jefferson, and Miss Gonzales.
Black Cindy	Taystee! Taystee! Taystee!
	Flashback - Outside Vee's house, Winter. A picture of RJ is in between Taystee's legs as Vee and her go to his funeral.
Vee	They gonna need that picture, boo.
Taystee	I'm afraid to see him lying there.
Vee	I think once you see him, you won't be scared. He's still our RJ. He's just not in that body anymore.
Taystee	But it's like, once the funeral is over, he's really gone, you know?
Vee	Yeah. I raised that boy. Watched that smile go from snaggletooth to lady-killer. I swear he could charm a fish out of water.
Taystee	Man, how can they get away with this? Ain't nobody gonna do nothing?
Vee	Cops claim he was armed. I don't know, maybe he was. I...told him not to carry a piece. A black man walking around this city at night...
Taystee	We had plans to go to the Statue of Liberty together. Neither of us had ever been. We had reservations to walk up into the head and everything. [Sobbing] So stupid.
Vee	I'll take you. I got you now, Taystee Girl.
Taystee	You can't promise that.
Vee	I protect my babies. This one got away, but I swear to you, I will die before I see that happen again. I will keep you safe. [Vee offers a hand to Taystee, Taystee hugs Vee and breaks down into tears] Come on, come. Come on, I've got you.
	Present day - Outside C Dorm toilets, Gloria and Aleida wait anxiously for Daya
Aleida	Well?
Gloria	How'd it go in there?
Daya	Victory!
Aleida	Yeah! That's my girl!
Gloria	Good for you, you must feel so much better.
Daya	I just feel free.
Aleida	It was the yogurt, right? A mother knows.
Gloria	The drink that I gave you has helped women in my family dookie for 14 generations.
Daya	You know, I think it was a combination of both things. Whatever it was, it don't matter. I'm so happy, you guys.
Bennett	Hey, what's going on here?
Aleida	Daya finally shit!
Gloria	A big one! She feel so much better now.
Daya	My God! I can't believe you guys! I've never been so humiliated. Jesus! [Daya storms off]
Gloria	Well, go on. Go after her. Tell her it's gonna be okay.
Bennett	Okay. [Bennett leaves]
Aleida	We embarrassed her.
Gloria	Whatever, happens, mothers embarrass their kids,
Aleida	Yeah.
Gloria	Hey, where the fuck did you get the yogurt? [Aleida shrugs and leaves, Gloria follows her]
	Scene change - Chapel, Fig, Taystee, Slovin and Flaca are up on stage, awaiting the ceremony
Fig	So, Mr. Slovin, who gets the job. [Flaca smiles at Slovin]
Slovin	Miss Tasha Jefferson. [Taystee and the rest of B Dorm celebrates]
Taystee	That's right! In your face, Skinny Bean!
Flaca	Whatever, it don't even mean nothing. I don't even smoke. [Flaca gets off the stage]
Black Cindy	Tasytee!
Fig	Okay, and that concludes job fair. Thank you, everyone. Thank you, [All the inmates start leaving]
Taystee	Hey, so, how do I get a hold of someone about that job?
Fig	Excuse me?
Taystee	A job.I heard you get hooked up with one if you win this thing.
Fig	Winning is a victory in itself.
Taystee	But last year, Ocampo got set up with some receptionist gig.
Fig	That's simply untrue. This isn't a contest. You do your best because that's what you're supposed to do. Why is it so hard for you people to understand? You're like babies. "Where's my present?" "Pay attention to me." "Give me things." "Fix the heat." "Build a gym." I'm not your goddamn mommy. Grow up! [Realises what she's done and sighs] In acknowledgement of your hard work and success, an award of $10 will be added to your commissary fund. Enjoy.
Taystee	Yeah, that's something. That is something. Thank you, Miss Figueroa. [Taystee turns and sees Vee at the enterance] Oh, shit,