Piper Chapman: (Narrating) I've always loved getting clean.
Piper: I love baths.
Piper: I love showers.
Piper: It's my happy place.
Piper: Was my happy place.
Man over PA: All inmates in D dorm must be checked for lice.
Man: Repeat, all inmates in D dorm must be checked for lice.
[Taystee clears throat]
Piper: Oh, I'll be out in a sec. I swear.
Taystee Jefferson: Mmm-hmm.
Taystee: I'll wait. There best be some hot water left.
Piper: There wasn't very much when I started.
Taystee: Man, hurry.
Piper: Alright! Okay, okay.
Piper: I'm done. I'm out. I'm totally out.
Taystee: Damn, you got some nice titties.
Piper: Thank you.
Taystee: You got them TV titties.
Taystee: They stand up on they own all perky and everything.
Taystee: You know they sell flip-flops at the commissary.
Piper: My money's not in yet, so.
Taystee: You creative. I give you that, high-tits.
Taystee: Now get the fuck out the way.
INTRO SEQUENCE-You've Got Time
Pete Harper: So there's an entire pig in there?
Larry Bloom: Yes.
Pete: For four of us?
Larry: it's a small pig. I really wanted to use the box.
Larry: It was my birthday present.
Larry: She's guilty she's leaving. It's a guilt pig-roasting box.
Pete: At least you get something.
Pete: I'm not getting laid for a year, too, but what do I get?
Larry: A baby?
Pete: But you can't eat it.
Polly Harper: Are we really gonna eat that?
Piper: It's thematic.
Polly: You're not serving time in Cuba.
Piper: Pigs. Cops.
Polly: How the fuck are you going to jail tomorrow?
Piper: Prison...not jail.
Polly: You're missing my shower.
Piper: Polly, I'm really sorry.
Polly: I know.
Polly: You focus on how you're gonna maintain your eyebrows behind bars.
Polly: You may not come back with a unibrow.
Polly: Am I allowed to cry?
Piper: No. Seriously, no.
Larry: Okay, we are ready. Everybody inside.
Piper: Need a hoist?
Piper: Big girl.
Piper: On to the last supper.
Piper: We gotta do it.
Larry: I know.
Larry: God, we really should not have eaten so much.
Piper: I know. Come on, we gotta rally.
Piper: Make some memories, you know?
Piper: You need some spank-bank material.
Larry: Oh, well... I mean when you say it like that.
Piper: Wait, I got...
Piper: I gotta pee.
Larry: What? No.
Piper: I just...
Piper: I'll be...I'll be right back.
Larry: You look beautiful.
Larry: Oh shit.
Piper: You look beautiful, too.
[Larry clears throat]
Larry: Come on. Get in.
Larry: You're crying.
Piper: Just fuck me.
Piper: Shut up.
Piper: Please. Please.
Wade Donaldson: No visiting today.
Piper: Hi, um, I'm here to surrender.
Donaldsn: Oh, okay, then.
Piper: Did he look surprised to you?
Piper: When I said that I was here to surrender? Didn't he look surprised?
Piper: Like, "What the hell is she doing here?"
Larry: I didn't notice
Piper: Well, he looked surprised to me.
Piper: I look like shit. My eyes are all puffy.
Larry: You're worried about how you look?
Piper: Well, they're gonna know that I was crying.
Piper: It's a sign of weakness. You can't show any weakness.
Piper: That's what all of the books said.
Larry: Oh sweetie...
Piper: Don't call me sweetie.
Piper: Oh, Leonard.
Piper: That's better.
Piper: I can't take it [ring] with me.
Larry: Oh, okay. Right.
Piper: What are you doing?
Piper: You can't put that [ring] in your pocket.
Piper: It's gonna end up at the bottom of the washing machine.
Larry: Uhm, where would you like me to put it [ring] then, Piper?
Piper: Up your ass.
Larry: There's no room. Apparently, my head's already up there.
Piper: I'm sorry.
Larry: It's okay.
Larry: You know what?
Larry: I'm gonna put in my wallet. Okay?
Larry: And when I get home...I will put it in your jewelry box.
LarryL Until I'm short on rent, then I may hock it.
Larry: But I'll try to get it back before you're out.
Piper: We should go.
Eliqua Maxwell: Self-surrender.
Maxwell: Yeah, well no one told me either.
Man on PA: Available guards...
Maxwell: Got the paperwork right here.
Maxwell: Name is Chapman.
Maxwell: Chap... like, when your lips get all dry, they're chapped.
Maxwell: Have a seat.
Maxwell: Piper. Rhymes with sniper.
Man on PA: Inmate Robinson to the visitor area.
Larry: You hungry?
Piper: Not really.
Woman on PA: Guard Thompson to the tower.
Larry: Eat anyway.
Larry: It's a burrata.
Piper: Thank you.
Piper: My mother told her friends I'm doing volunteer work in Africa.
Larry: I bet they're all appalled that you've gone somewhere so filthy and dangerous.
Piper: So I never carried drugs. Just... money.
Carol Chapman: You were a lesbian?
Piper: At the time.
Cal Chapman: You still a lesbian?
Piper: No, I'm not still a lesbian.
Larry: You sure?
Celeste Chapman: I once kissed Mary Straley when I was at Miss Porter's school.
Celseste: But it wasn't for me.
Bill Chapman: Did you [Larry] know about this?
Larry: No. No, no, I didn't.
[Larry clears throat]
Larry: I mean, she told me how she traveled after college, but she failed to mention the lesbian lover who ran an international drug smuggling ring.
Larry: Imagine my surprise.
Celeste: What on earth did you do with the money?
Piper: Well, Grandmother, I wasn't really in it for the money.
Celeste: Oh Piper, for heaven's sake!
Piper: So this is my last post as a free woman.
Piper: What are you gonna write?
Maxwell: Hey! Uh-uh. Oh no. You cannot have a phone in here. This is a federal facility. You have to take that out.
Piper: Oh, can I? Am I allowed to go out?
Maxwell: He [Larry] can take it out.
Piper: So no... no phone?
Larry: You knew that.
Piper: Oh my God, Larry, by the time I get out there'll have been, like, three new generations of iPhones.
Maxwell: Sir [Larry], I can get an officer to escort you out.
Larry: No, I'm going. It's okay, I'm going, okay? I'll be right back, okay? [To Piper] I'll take the phone to the car, I'll be right back. Okay? Two seconds. Yeah?
Larry: Two seconds.
Wanda Bell: Chapman!
Piper: Yes. Yes, that's me. But you have to wait.
Bell: You're telling me what I have to do? Get your ass over here, Chapman, now. Move it.
Piper: He's gonna be right back, we've been here for two hours.
Bell: And the wait is over. Here's your temporary ID, you'll stick this on your uniform when we get to that. Now...
Larry: Here, I'm here. Here I am.
Piper: Here he is.
Bell: Who's this?
Piper: My fiancé.
Bell: Yeah? Good luck with that.
Piper: Excuse me?
Bell: Any personal items?
Bell: You can't take this check.
Piper: But we called last week. And they told me to bring it.
Bell: He [Larry] has to send it to Iowa. It takes a few weeks to process.
Larry: A few weeks? Doesn't she need to buy things?
Bell: How it is.
Piper: Where do we send it?
Bell: Hey, you got that Iowa address? Any Nudie Judies in here? Skin pics? Naughty stuff?
Piper: No. No Nudie Judies.
Bell: Time to say goodbye. It might be a while till you can visit, fiancé.
Piper: I love you so much.
Larry: I love you, too!
Piper: I'll call as soon as I can.
Piper: Okay? Please send that check immediately.
Larry: Okay, I will.
Piper: I love you. Please keep my website updated. I love you so much.
Piper: It's okay. It's okay.
Bell: What size shoe are you?
Piper: Nine and a half, ten.
[Bell hands piper her uniform]
Piper: These are kinda like Toms.
Bell: Who's Tom?
Piper: Toms are shoes. When you buy a pair, the company gives another to a child in need. They're great. And they come in lots of different colors and...
Bell: How nice. Strip.
Alex Vause: Get over here.
[Alex mouths "Come here"]
Piper: Are you gonna miss me?
Alex: Yes. Too much. Come with me.
Alex: Come to Bali. Come with me. I mean it. I'll buy you a plane ticket.
Piper: Are you serious?
[Alex kisses Piper]
Alex: Come with me. Quit your job. Come with me.
Piper: Well, I'd... I'd have to give notice.
Alex: You're a fucking waitress. You don't need to give a notice.
Piper: Will I get in trouble?
Alex: God, I hope so.
Piper: You know what I mean.
Alex: You don't have to do anything. You're just there to keep me company, all right? Come on, babe. I want you to come. And I want you to come.
Alex: Yes? Is that a yes?
Piper: Yes. Yes.
Bell: Open your mouth, stick out your tongue.
Man on PA: Inmates, an updates facility rules with inmate discipline list is posted in the day room.
Bell: Lift up your arms. Turn around. Squat. Spread your cheeks and cough.
Lorna Morello: That it?
B. Moskovitz: One more coming, hold on.
Piper: My zipper's broken.
Lorna: First time down?
Piper: My first time here?
Lorna: Oh, no, your first time in prison?
Piper: Oh... yeah.
Lorna: It's not so bad. Everyone's okay. You gotta watch out for the stealing. So what's your name? Your last name. Everyone uses last names here. I'm Morello and that is Watson.
Lorna: And how much time you got, Chapman?
Piper: Fifteen months.
Lorna: Oh, that's not so bad. I got 34, but I'm hoping with good time it'll be less.
Piper: You... so you're a... they let you drive?
Lorna: Well, who else is gonna do it?
Lorna: We do everything around here. Hey, can I ask you something? You look like you'd know. All right, which dress you like better? My top two faves are the ones with the half-and-half lids stuck to the pages. See, I want something that's gonna express my personality. And the trick is I wanna show off the boobs and the ass, but I'm not so happy with the upper arms and the stomach, so there's the challenge.
Piper: Both nice.
Lorna: That's all you gotta say? I gotta look good. My first dance is gonna go on YouTube.
Piper: Look! I found a rock that looks like a penis with one ball.
Piper: It's my Lance Armstrong rock.
Larry: Hold it up. Let me see, let me see. Nice. Okay, now lick it, softly and tenderly like you would've when you thought he was clean.
Piper: Oh, Jesus! Shut that thing off.
Larry: You're making a huge mistake, this could go viral.
Piper: Seriously, shut it off.
Piper: I'm so fat from all the stress-eating. I really don't want a record of it. You know, that's one thing I'm gonna do in prison. I'm gonna get ripped. Like Jackie Warner ripped. And I'm gonna read everything on my Amazon wish list. And maybe even learn a craft, you know? I could be crafty. I'm gonna make it count, Larry. I'm not gonna throw away a year of my life. What the hell are you looking for?
Piper: Oh, no! What is that?
Piper: Oh, Jesus, Larry. Why would you want...
Larry: Why would I want a felonious, former lesbian, WASP-shiksa who's about to go to prison, to marry me?
Piper: Yes. And all of the stress-eating?
Larry: Well, because...this peculiar, underachieving, unemployed Jew-boy loves her. And knows that he will never be bored, and... can't believe... how lucky he is that he met her. I gotta lock this shit down before you leave, Pipes. I love you. You wanna marry me?
Piper: When I get out, right?
Larry: Whenever you want.
Piper: I'll be so ripped.
Larry: You could wear a wedding dress that's like a half-shirt, you know? Show off those abs.
Piper: Was it [ring] your grandmother's?
Larry: No, my mom's saving that one for my sister. This is my great-aunt Marcia's. She had thyroid cancer and a series of schnauzers, all named Schnapps. That's all I know. Put it on, I had it sized. Good.
Piper: It's beautiful.
Larry: And that's a "yes", right?
Larry: Will you say that just one more time for me? But this time, just into the camera, okay?
Piper: Oh, you asshole!
Larry: Come on, I had to capture the moment.
Piper: Shit. Turn it off!
Piper: Give me that!
Larry: Ooh, you're cold. Come here.
Lorna: Bounce your legs up and down, it keeps your feet warm.
Janae Watson: You think your man is still gonna be around when you're out?
Lorna: Yeah, he'll be there. I'm the love of his life.
Janae: Thirty-four months is a long time.
Piper: Yeah, but she's the love of his life!
Janae: And who the fuck asked you?
Rikerson: Head on up.
Woman on PA: Armored gates, open number one and two.
Lorna: All right, so his tie is gonna match the bridesmaids' dresses. There's six bridesmaids. My cousin's being a bitch, so I'm thinking about dropping her.
Lorna; All right, let's go.
Lorna: Hello, Miss Claudette.
Miss Claudette Pelage: Morello.
Lorna; Watch out for that one.
Don't get me wrong, she's a good lady...but you don't wanna get on her bad side. Go ahead. Go.
Lorna; Okay, I'm gonna send you all through to processing, you'll get your room assignments, and I'll meet you back here and show your bunks. Okay? Don't look so bummed. Gonna get wrinkles.
George 'Pornstache' Mendez: All right, raise your head and look at the lens. Ah crap! New guy... what's your name, Bennett? Bennett, it's not fucking working again.
John Bennett: You turn it on?
Pornstache: Yeah, I turned it on.
[Bennett clears throat]
Bennett: Wait, I think I got it. Ready?
Piper: Yeah. Yep.
Bennett: Wait, no.
Pornstache: What does this button do?
Bennett: No! Don't touch that.
Pornstache: Sorry, princess.
Piper: There's a cord right there. Do you think that that needs to be connected to something?
Pornstache: Shut your mouth and stand still.
[Bennett plugs cord in]
Pornstache: She's right.
Bennett: Okay, fine.
Pornstache: Got it.
Piper: I wasn't ready.
Pornstache: Tough shit. Next.
Igme Dimaguiba: This is a TB test. Nice veins. No track marks.
Piper: Oh, yeah.
Igme: Oh, a fish. You like fish?
Piper: Saw it on a scuba diving trip. Thought it was beautiful.
Igme: I don't like fish. I like pork, chicken. But it;s a pretty fish.
Piper: It's gonna rub off when I sweat.
Alex: No it won't. It's waterproof. Stop. So when this dries...you should be good to go.
Piper: How am I gonna get it off?
Piper: Great. Alex, I don't , I don't know if I can...
Alex: Hey. Hey, hey, hey.
Alex; You are a nice, blonde lady, aren't you? A proper young lady. Just picking her sensible bag in the baggage claim... before heading off to her mid-range hotel to go over her schedules. Museum visits and fancy dinners. It's all fine. It's all good. And I will meet you in Brussels, and everything will work out perfectly, babe. I promise. It's all gonna be okay.
Sam Healy: Are you okay?
Piper: Fine. I guess.
Healy: What's PoPi?
Piper: Poppy. It's a bath products line I'd started with my friend, Polly. Polly and Piper. PoPi. We're gonna be in Barneys.
Piper: It's a nice store.
Healy: It's a pretty big case. Criminal conspiracy.
Piper: That's what they charged me with. I carried a suitcase of money. Drug money. Once. Ten years ago.
Healy: What's the statute of limitations on that?
Piper: Twelve years.
Healy: That's tough.
Piper: Well... I did it... that one time... 10 years ago.
Healy: What did your lawyer say?
Piper: He said with the mandatory minimums with drug crimes, he wouldn't recommend risking a trial. So I pleaded out.
Healy: And here you are.
Piper: Here I am.
Healy: Costing the tax payers money and sweating in my armchair. You know, I've been here for 22 years, and I still can't figure out how the system works. I got a crack dealer who is doing nine months, and then I have a lady who accidentally backed into a mailman who is doing four years. I mean, the guy broke his collarbone, but come on. I just don't get it. Are you gonna barf? Tell me if you're gonna barf because there's a can behind you.
Piper: I won't barf.
Healy: I will be truly displeased if you barf anywhere but in that can.
Piper: Not gonna barf.
Healy: Miss Chapman, no one's gonna mess with you here unless you let them, this isn't Oz. Women fight with gossip and rumors. They might peg you for rich and try to hit you up for commissary. And there are lesbians. They're not gonna bother you. They'll try to be your friend, just stay away from them. I want you to understand... you do not have to have lesbian sex.
Piper: I have a financé. His name is Larry. He's a writer. Can he come visit me?
Healy: Is he in here?
Piper: Yes. Everybody's in there.
Healy: All the people in the PSI are cleared to visit. He can come this weekend. I'll make sure the list is in the visiting room.
Piper: Thank you so much, Mr. Healy.
Piper: You just keep to yourself...and you'll be fine. And don't make friends. And remember... nothing goes on here that I don't know about.
Larry: You know everything about me! I tell you everything. The webcam horror, the penis shaving incident. How do I not know this?
Piper: What was I supposed to say? It was...It was a phase. It was my lost-soul, post-college adventure phase. I was so embarrassed. I can't believe that she [Alex] did this.
Larry: I can't believe you did this. I mean, who are you? I feel like I'm in a Bourne movie. Have you killed?
[Piper starts crying]
Larry: Oh Jesus, God, no, honey stop, stop, stop. Come on, come on.
[Larry shushes Piper]
Piper: You should break up with me.
Piper: You didn't sign up for this.
Larry: Okay, stop it. Stop it. Come on. Shh. It's okay.
Piper: Okay? Okay? [Reading] "Witness states, Piper Chapman carried drug money. Piper Chapman was part of the ring."
Larry: Were you?
Piper: I was 22. I thought that I was in love. I was in love. And it... was all crazy. And then it got scary. And I ran away, and I became the nice blonde lady that I was supposed to be. I knew that she wasn't a good person, but fuck her! Fuck her! This not gonna be okay.
Larry: It's not.
Larry: But we'll deal with it, okay? We'll figure it out. Have you called a lawyer?
Larry: I'll call my dad.
Piper: No! No. Please don't call your dad. He already hates me.
Larry: yeah, well... I love you. And he loves me, so, here we go.
Lorna: All right, we gotta hustle, 'cause the count's soon. Rooms up there. Dorms are down there. Now you are not allowed down there. It's out of bounds for you guys until you get assigned there. You understand? Namaste, Jones!
Yoga Jones: Namaste!
Lorna: She teaches yoga if you ever want, and she's good. She's very spiritual. All right, we got some offices here. This is the dining hall, common room, counselor's office. [To Piper] Who you got for a counselor?
Piper: Uh, Healy.
Lorna: Okay. Yeah.
Lorna: Nah, it's fine. It's fine. He does his paperwork. That's a good thing.
Dayanara Diaz: When do we get outfits like everybody?
Lorna: I don't know. Maybe tomorrow after breakfast. You go dwon, you speak to the lady...
[[[Aleida Diaz|Aleida]] approaches and slaps Daya]
Janae: What the fuck?
Lorna: Friend of yours?
Daya: No. It's my mom.
Lorna: All right, Chapman, Diaz, this is you. Uh, DeMarco, this is Chapman. She's new. Self-surrender. You show her what's what?
Anita DeMarco: Sure.
Lorna: Okay, Mendoza, this is Diaz. Go, go. She'll help you.
Gloria Mendoza: [In Spanish] Be with you in a sec. Just gotta finish here.
Daya: Um, I don't speak Spanish.
Gloria: Great. Another fucking coconut. What's the matter with your mother, she don't teach you Spanish?
Lorna; Here. Here's some tissues. First night's always hard. And a toothbrush. They don't give you one.
Piper: Thank you. Thank you so much. Thank you for everything.
Lorna: Aw! No, no. It's no problem. We look out for our own.
Piper: Our own?
Lorna: Oh, don't get all PC on me. It's tribal, not racist. I'll see you around.
Anita: Tell me your name again?
Piper: Piper, Chapman.
Anita: That's Miss Rosa. And that's Nichols. Just got out of SHU a week ago. Told a CO to kiss her ass. Dumb. Why make trouble for yourself, you know?
Piper: SHU. That's solitary?
Anita: Yep. And you don't want it, honey. Trust me. Here's some toilet paper. You gotta take it with you.
Piper: Thanks. What's that thing?
Anita: Oh, that's my machine. I need it at night. When I first got here, I had a massive heart attack. Do you know about the count?
Piper: Wait, can you go back to the heart attack?
Anita: I don't like to dwell.
Piper: How do I make a phone call?
Anita: You need a PAC number. Fill out a form. Whole rigmarole. But maybe Caputo will let you make a call later. It helps if you cry. [clicks tongue].
[Piper starts unfolding bedding]
Anita: Don't make your bed!
Anita: We'll make it for you.
Piper: Oh, no, that's okay. You don't need to do that.
Anita: Honey! We'll... make... the... bed. We know how.
Piper: I know how to make a bed.
Anita: We know how to do it so we'll pass inspection. You can help clean. We clean everything with Maxi Pads.
Anita: Yep. It's a head-scratcher, but that's what we got.
Piper: So, we make our beds in the morning before they...
Anita: No. You sleep on top of your bed. With a blanket over you.
Piper: What if I want to sleep in the bed?
Anita: Look, you can do what you want, but you will be the only one in this entire prison that does. You want that? Be my guest.
Guard: Count time! Count time! Count time, ladies!
Anita: That light comes on, you need to be where you're supposed to be, and you don't move until it goes off. Dinner's after.
Gloria: Hey, blanca. You speak Spanish?
Piper: [In Spanish] A little, I learnt it when I was young.
Gloria: You see... fucking white girl speaks Spanish.
[[[J. Thompson|Guard]] enters room and counts]
Anita: Shh! Wait.
[[[Scott O'Neill|Guard]] enters room and counts]
Piper: Dinner's at 4:30?
Scott O'Neill: Recount, ladies!
Anita: They always screw it up.
Nicky Nichols: How hard is it to fucking count?
Anita: Nicky, this is, uh...
Piper: Piper. Uh, Chapman.
Nicky: Look at you, blondie. What'd you do?
Piper: Aren't you not supposed to ask that question? I read that you're not supposed to ask that.
Nicky: You read that? What, you studied for prison?
[O'Neill enters and counts]
Piper: What did you do?
Baggage Handler: I can't understand your French.
Piper: Mon bag! Bag! My bag hasn't arrived.
Baggage Handler: Oh! The bags do not make it onto the right flight sometime. Wait for the next shuttle from Paris. It's probably on that plane.
Piper: Mon bag! My bag. [Speaks French] Thank you! Thank you very much!
Alex: Oh! Bonjour. Welcome to Belgium. All good? I was starting to worry. Where did you come from?
Piper: Over there.
Alex: You didn't go through customs?
Piper: No, I just walked out of that door and it brought me right here.
Alex: You skipped customs? Holy shit! It's genius.
Piper: Well should I go back?
Alex: Fuck, no. We're going to the hotel. I'm gonna eat you for dinner.
Piper: Alex, I was so freaked out when the bag didn't show up, I almost bailed.
Alex: well, it's a good thing you didn't. There's over 50 grand in that bag. Kubra would have had you killed. Come on.
Gina Murphy: Keep moving. You're blocking up the works. Okay, go sit there. She's a nice white lady.
[Walks over to Yoga Jones]
Piper: Hi. Is it okay if I sit here?
Yoga Jones: Sure, newbie. I'm Jones.
Yoga Jones: You doing okay, Chapman?
Piper: I really don't know how to answer that question. Everything's pretty surreal right now.
Yoga Jones: Do you know what a mandala is?
Piper: Um...those are those round Buddhist art things?
Yoga Jones: The Tibetan monks make them out of dyed sand laid out into big, beautiful designs. and when they're done, after days or weeks of work, they wipe it all away.
Piper: Wow. That's... that's a lot.
Yoga Jones: Try to look at your experience here as a mandala, Chapman. Work hard to make something as meaningful and beautiful as you can. And when you're done, pack it in and know it was all temporary. You have to remember that. It's all temporary.
Piper: It's all temporary.
Yoga Jones: I'm telling you. Surviving here...is all about perspective. Don't eat the pudding.
Piper: What's the perspective on the pudding?
Yoga Jones: It comes in big cans marked "Desert Storm". Sometimes the kitchen has to scrape the mold off the top before they serve.
Jane Ingalls: Hi there.
Yoga Jones: Hi, Sister. This is Chapman.
Piper: Sister? As in nun?
Sister Ingalls: Mmm-hmm.
Yoga Jones: Yep, a killer nun.
Sister Ingalls: Now, stop it. She doesn't know you're joking.
Yoga Jones: She chained herself to a flagpole at a nuclear test site.
[Sister Ingalls prays]
Sister Ingalls: Amen. So. Now... Chapman, what's your story?
Piper: I chained myself to a drug dealer.
Nicky: Piper, you can't be taking advice from a nun and a hippie.
Yoga Jones: By all means, seek out the supreme wisdom of the junkie philosopher.
Sister Ingalls: I pray for you, Nicky.
Nicky: Aw. I pray for you, too, Sister. I lust after you, Yoga Jones, those sinewy arms. [Nicky laughs] You gotta love a yoga body.
Yoga Jones: You should come to class. Watch me chaturanga.
Nicky: That whole common room smells like farts. It kinda takes away the magic for me. [To Piper] You like pussy, Piper? Or you prefer pipe as your name suggests? I'm feeling some Sapphic vibes coming off you.
Sister Ingalls: Oh, leave her alone.
[Nicky sniffs fingers]
Nicky: Come on, Sister. You know you would've gone my way if you hadn't married Jesus.
[Red appears at table and gives Nicky a yogurt]
Nicky: Thank you, mommy.
[Red slides one to Yoga Jones]
Yoga Jones: Thanks, Red.
[Red passes one to Sister Ingalls]
Sister Ingalls: Thanks, Red.
Piper: [To Nicky] She's your mom?
Nicky: Ah. Maternal figurehead. My actual mother lives in Brazil with her boyfriend, Paolo, who destroys rainforests and collects photorealistic art. She is a cunt. I am an embarrassment.
Carrie 'Big Boo' Black: Hey Red, got one of those for me?
Galina Reznikov: You got what I asked you for?
Big Boo: Uh, I'm working on it.
Red: So am I. Treats come when I sleep better.
[Big Boo leaves]
Red: How hard is it to get me a board from the woodshop? Ugh. People. Who's this?
Nicky: This is Chapman. She's new. Self-surrender. Thinks she's fancy.
Red: Here, fancy. Have a yogurt.
Piper: What do I have to do for it?
Red: You're new. You're one of us. Consider it a gift.
Piper: Thank you. Thank you so much. [whispering] The food here is disgusting. What?
Nicky: Did I mention that Red runs the kitchen?
Piper: Shit. I'm sorry.
Red: Honey. I know you just got here, so you don't know what's what. Well I'm gonna tell you. You don't like the food? It's no problem.
Nicky: Holy shit. That was an epic fuck-up.
Joe Caputo: Can I help you?
Piper: Um, I'm Chapman. I'm new today. They told me I should talk to you. I don't have a PAC number.
Caputo: Who's they?
[Piper starts sobbing]
Piper: Mr. Caputo, please let me call my fiancé. I have to let him know I'm okay.
Caputo: Two minutes. You got two minutes, that's it. Close the door, I don't want a run on my office.
Man on PA: Inmate Gonzalez report to the supply room.
Caputo: Dial nine to get out.
Amy Kanter-Bloom: Hello, Larry's phone.
Larry: Give me the phone.
Amy: One second. Can I say hello?
Piper: Amy, I only have two minutes to talk.
Amy: Are you okay? What's it like in there? Howard and I brought Chinese. Larry is so upset.
Howard Bloom: Let him talk, Amy.
Larry: Ma, give me the phone.
Piper: Amy, please give the phone to Larry.
Amy: You know, I read that when Martha Stewart was in prison, she foraged for dandelions.
Larry: Okay, Mom, please. [Larry snatches the phone]
Amy: I was talking.
Howard: Amy, it's not always about you, dear.
Amy: What's that supposed to mean?
PIper: I'm only have a minute now. I'm calling from the guard's office.
Larry: Hey, are you okay? What's going on?
Piper: I love you so much.
Larry: I love you, too. Are you okay?
Piper: I'm wearing granny panties and I've only spoken to white people.
Larry: You joining the Aryan Nation?
Piper: I don't know. But there's a nun here. And you're not allowed to sleep in your bed. Only on top of it.
Larry: That's weird.
Piper: I know, right?
Piper: And when I got here they gave me this these little bars of hotel soap, but no shampoo. But I think that I can borrow some from other white people. I love you so much. One of my roomates had a massive heart attack when she got here.
Larry: Okay... you are not allowed to have a heart attack.
Piper: What did you have for dinner?
Larry: My folks brought from The Palace.
Piper: Oh. The Palace. Dinner here was scary liver. And I insulted the chef, and you're not supposed to eat the pudding because it's been to Desert Storm.
Larry: Piper, listen to me. You cannot lose your shit, okay? I mean it. Please... please tell me you're keeping it together. Please... please tell me you're okay.
Caputo: Wrap it up, Chapman.
Piper: I'm... I'm Chapman here.
Larry: You're my Pipes... okay? And, uh, I love you, and... this is only temporary.
Piper: That's what Yoga Jones said. But it's just been one day. And I can't... I can't.
Larry: Piper, you can. You so can, okay? You are so strong, babe. You... and you love adventure, right? That's what got you in there, and that's what's gonna get you through. This is all just a big adventure with liver and Yoga Jones... and... and racism.
Piper: You can come on Friday. Please come on Friday. Tell my mother to come on Saturday and don't tell her that you're coming on Friday, okay?
Larry: Of course. Okay? Two sleeps, that's it. Two sleeps... on top of your bed. And then, I will be there.
Caputo: Coming up on lights out. Say goodbye.
Piper: I have to go.
Larry: Hey, no crying. I'm not crying.
Larry: Piper, I love you. I will see you on Friday. Please be brave. Don't let anyone into your granny panties. I love you.
Piper: I love you.
[Caputo ends the line]
Caputo: Your head's not here yet. Don't worry, it'll catch up. In the meantime, try to get some sleep. Orientation is tomorrow at 9:00. Shampoo for you. I think the words you're looking for are, "thank you."
Piper: Thank you.
Caputo: Good night, Chapman. Close the door behind you.
[Caputo reaches for lotion and masturbates]
Anita: Chapman! Hey, Chapman.
Piper: What? What?
Anita: Rise and shine. You want time to shower and eat, you gotta get up. Aw look at your eyes. You should put some cold water on them.
Piper: Okay. Thanks.
Anita: Take a nice shower, get dressed, you'll start to feel normal soon enough. You got flip-flops?
Anita: Oh, honey. There's wicked fungus in the showers.
[Scene from beginning resumes]
[Blanca speaks Spanish in cubicle]
Blanca Flores: You're driving me crazy! Boo!
Anita: Everyone gets a piece of fruit at breakfast. I'm telling you, it'll all start to feel normal, soon. Really. You hungry?
Piper: I'm starving. Excuse me.
Sophia Burset: Such pretty hair!
Piper: Thank you.
Sophia: When those roots start to show, be sure to come see me, okay? I'll take good care of you. But even if you don't come to me, don't go to Danita. She'll burn the shit out of your scalp. Go. Line's moving.
Gina: Wait, Chapman? Are you Chapman?
[Gina hands Piper a tray with a foiled sandwich]
Gina: Red says she made that special for you.
Piper: Wow. Thanks. Tell her I said thanks.
Gina: I don't say nothing. I'm just working. Next.
Nicky: Man, I'm telling you, before my teeth got knocked out I had this awesome gap, now they look look like chicklets. Look.
Morello: You're crazy. Your fake teeth are beautiful. Bet you never get the food stuck in them. So, you got the nice fresh breath all the time. It's minty. It's beautiful. It's like God put them in you every day. A summer breeze coming over here.
Nicky: Yeah, you like that?
Morello: Yeah [laughs] Oh! [sees Piper's sandwich] What did you do?!
Nicky: She insulted the food in front of Red.
Morello: Oh, geez, I don't think you're gonna be eating for a while...
DeMarco: Oh... put it away; I'm enjoying menopause very much, thank you.
Morello: You gotta figure out how to make things right with Red.
DeMarco: Oh yeah, and you gotta go down to laundry, don't forget that. And check the elastic on all the pants.
DeMarco: Don't let them get you stretched-out garbage.
Morello: Orientation starts in ten minutes.
Nicky: At least you had a nice shower this morning, right? I think I saw you in there?
Piper: I... I... I don't... I don't know... excuse me.
Morello: Hey, hey, don't forget, you gotta bus your tray.
DeMarco: Where's she going with that tray?! Get that girl outta here.
Nicky. She'll figure it out.
Morello: Was she really in the shower this morning?
Alex: Maybe this is a bad time to say hi.