"Can't Fix Crazy" is the thirteenth and final episode of the first season of Orange Is the New Black. It is the thirteenth episode of the series overall. It premiered on July 11, 2013. It was written by Tara Herrmann and Jenji Kohan, and directed by Michael Trim.
It’s holiday season at Litchfield. Sister Ingalls and Sophia are in charge of casting the Christmas pageant, with Chaplain Royce overseeing. Most of the auditions are terrible. Lorna, Big Boo, Yoga Jones, DeMarco, and Taystee each sing, with varying success. Black Cindy beatboxes Jingle Bells, Gina moonwalks, Chang dances with pillowcases, and Suzanne displays some bizarre dance moves. Flaca and Maritza also dance together, kind of erotically, while Leanne does a variety of animal impressions. Nicky tells the running eggplant/penguin joke which begins “So a penguin and a farmer walk into a bar” and ends with “So the penguin says, dude, he’s not an eggplant, he’s retarded”, which Sophia and Chaplain Royce think is hilarious, but Ingalls looks confused and says, “You lost me at the umbrellas”. Pennsatucky tries for the part of an angel, because the previous two years she played an ass and an ox, feeling ready "to shine her light for the shepherds and announce the miracle of baby Jesus Christ".
Caputo sees Red in the kitchen and reminds her she's suspended. Red says she can’t sit around when he is on a power trip. O’Neill has brought in Gloria to take Red’s place as the head cook. Gloria asks if she can bring her friends with her to which Caputo says yes. Red remarks the place will fall apart without her.
In her office, Fig asks Bennett about the drugs he found. He said after Trisha's death, he became suspicious. He pulled the truck over at the gate and found the drugs. Fig says he had good intentions, but because the drugs were found at the gate, not on the prison campus, Neptune’s Produce technically didn’t bring the drugs in - Bennett did. He says it shouldn’t matter because obviously the drugs were heading for the kitchen. In an attempt to cover up incidents at the prison, Fig thinks he should not report this. She gives Bennett incentive pay of an extra $130 a month to keep him quiet.
Outside the prison, Larry is at his parents’ for Chanukkah dinner. His mother, Amy, says her friends enjoyed his radio program and asked if Piper liked it. He says she had issues with it but they worked it out, and decided to get married while Piper is still in prison. His parents question why he is rushing into marriage, Larry says he wants their commitment to be taken seriously. Larry’s dad, Howard, doesn’t think he needs a paper for that and remarks Larry doesn’t know how Piper will be when she gets out. Larry says he loves Piper, he wants to spend his life with her, and doesn’t want to meet anyone else. His mother points out Piper’s flawed experiences with drugs, girls, guys, etc. and Howard says he understands Piper’s appeal but that isn't enough to build a life together. Larry should consider other factors like values, if she’d be a good mother, if she makes Larry feel good about himself. Howard reminds Larry not to treat his relationship like a bank account, while his mother says to wait until Piper gets out of prison. She asks rhetorically if he thinks she's going to meet someone else. Larry just sighs.
Alex and Piper are in the library. Piper says she's getting married and Alex says it's not news. Piper clarifies that she picks Larry. Piper explains she loves Alex too but she doesn’t have the balls to freefall through life with her. She asks if Alex is proud of her for at least making a decision, to which Alex says “fuck you”. Alex is adamant that her decision means Piper can’t come to her with problems, love, needs, sadness, anger, or even her laundry on off-days ever again.
In the cafeteria, Pennsatucky says she can't concentrate on memorizing her pageant lines with 'Satan’s Girl Scout' (Piper) skipping around. She quotes a Bible verse about slaying one’s enemies, believing that the fact that she turned to that verse at random is a sign. Leanne, Angie and the others fall silent.
Nicky has organized a Secret Santa with Red, Lorna, Big Boo, Norma and Gina, and asks if they should put Alex and Piper in. Lorna says she thinks Piper would give good gifts. Big Boo says Secret Santa is about family and Alex and Piper aren’t family. Lorna responds that, now that Tricia and Mercy are gone, maybe they could make room for more family. Nicky agrees to expand the circle. Lorna says the eggs were actually good for once that morning, and Nicky says they should lie and say the food was horrible to Red. Big Boo finally agrees the eggs were delicious.
Fig meets with Piper. She tells Piper about all the great programs the prison has and that the GED program will have more funds allocated to it, trying to talk up the good things the prison offers. She explains that she heard comments about Larry’s radio show, referring to the reporter Andrew Nance who's recently started to investigate on the prison, and that he got the facts wrong. Fig needs Piper to clarify and inform Larry about what the prison offers. Piper says Healy has also spoken to her husband to say she had an affair with Alex. Fig asks what Piper's angle is and Piper says she wants a marriage request form and Fig’s approval. If she can do that, she’ll tell Larry about the great programs at Litchfield. Figs says they can arrange something.
Daya, Maria, Maritza and Flaca are now working in the kitchen under Gloria. Daya says making tamales together feels like Christmas at home. Maritza mentions her daughter is with a cousin, and says she’ll be out of prison in a year. Nicky comes in, jokingly shouting, “Immigration, hands where I can see them”. She asks where the squirrel and the silent one are, referring to Gina and Norma. She finds them out back unloading food and makes them choose Secret Santas, reminding Norma not to go blabbing it around. She asks if they’ve seen Red. Gina says Red hasn’t been to work and that Nicky needs to talk to her. Nicky doesn’t know what to say; Red is smart and knows how screwed she is. Gina says Red is really not in a good way.
COs Bell, O’Neill and Maxwell are reading the inmates' mail. Maxwell reads one for Daya from someone saying how sexy she is. They bet that whoever wrote the letter doesn’t know about how she slept with Mendez. O’Neill says so far Mendez is just getting suspended - Bell says she bets Daya will get transferred and Mendez will be back because they love him and his sadistic ways. Bell says Alex got a letter from Larry asking to talk to her at visitation. Maxwell asks if they think they’re conspiring. O’Neill jokes that it's a threesome. Bell asks if O’Neill if he’s been thinking about those two together and he says it's something all the COs know.
Nicky finds Red making cup of noodles at the microwave and asks her to pick her Secret Santa. Red doesn’t want to but Nicky says that Red usually loves Christmas because her two sons always visit with their wives. When Red asks about the food, Nicky says breakfast was spicy and the potatoes were cold. Red was disappointed as she was hoping the food turned out to be a total disaster. Red says Hispanics all pop out of car trunks to work in kitchens these days anyway. Nicky tells Red she can’t blame Gloria for trying to make the best of a bad situation. Red says “fuck Mendez”, adding that this wasn’t how things were supposed to go. Nicky reminds Red that she is tough and will be OK. She gives Red a slip of paper for Secret Santa instructing her get the person something nice; the good karma will come back around.
Taystee is now Piper’s new roommate and remarks that she heard Piper and Alex are through. Piper quips that Twitter has nothing on prison. Taystee asks if Piper feels bad, she says no, but Alex does. Then Taystee asks if Alex is upset enough to leave a dead rat on her locker, gesticulating to said object. Piper is shocked, and says Alex probably didn’t do that. Taystee reads the note with it which says [sic] “Your gonna die Amalekite"; Taystee corrects the punctuation that should say 'you're'. She calls over Black Cindy who was raised in the church. Black Cindy says Amalekites are real baddies in the Bible. They’re known for attacking people, preying on the weak, and being a war tribe. God killed them, and they were so bad even their cows had to die. Piper thinks she should tell a CO about this but Taystee says the COs would probably separate her just for her own protection, so it’s a bad idea. Black Cindy says you have to handle it yourself and to kill whoever is after her.
Red relays her kitchen concerns about making foods last to Norma and Gina. Gina says the workers just speak Spanish around them. Red says it’s a lot of work trying to feed a prison population everyday and they’ll have to put everything back to order after Gloria ruins it. She tells the two to oversalt, overcook, so Gloria will run out of supplies and the inmates will revolt. Gina doesn’t think they can do it; they’re not even doing food prep but serving and stacking boxes. She doesn’t think they’ll get away with it. Red insists that they mess with the kitchen; the scene then cuts to Gloria saying not to fuck with the kitchen or she’ll have them thrown out. Gina says she just wants to help but they aren’t where they aren’t supposed to be and Gloria knows every trick in the book. She kept them there because they know their stuff and it’s not their fault Red lost the kitchen. Gloria says the kitchen is a good job, and not to let Red screw it up for them.
Piper is sitting with the Black Girls in the cafetiera and says that she thinks that note was Pennsatucky trying to get her to go to bible study group. Poussey sarcastically says, "yeah, 'I’m gonna kill you' was really vague”. Janae says she’s coming for Piper and Piper needs to prepare. Black Cindy says to kick her in the crotch cause it’ll hurt just as much as it does on a guy. Taystee says punch her in the nose, then Poussey follows with "elbow in the back while she’s down". Piper thinks she can come up with a creative solution like what she did with Red and give her something she really needs. Piper asks what Pennsatucky needs and they all simultaneously say "new teeth" and crack up.
Daya is wiping down the cafeteria tables. Bennett approaches and says that Mendez is in love with her so it must have been some performance. Daya asks if he thinks she liked it, he says Mendez did and now he can barely look at her. She says it’s our baby and Bennett says the baby can go live with Mendez since he’ll think it is his anyway. She says they can get a DNA test but he thinks he’ll be fired then. Daya says nobody would know the baby is his, just that it's not Mendez’s, then Cesar can pick it up from hospital and bring it to Bennett. Bennett says then people will want to know how Daya got pregnant in prison and they will be back to where they started. Daya replies she hates Mendez and loves Bennett. Bennett says he can't do this, tells Daya she missed a spot on the table, and walks away.
Alex, Big Boo, Nicky, and Lorna are decorating the chapel for the pageant. Alex asks Lorna who her Secret Santa is but she won’t tell. Big Boo says it's not a secret: Lorna just had asked her what her favorite color is and if her feet get cold, so she knows Lorna must have drawn her name and is making some type of footwear. Lorna responds if she was making her slippers she wouldn’t be now and tells Big Boo to get used to having cold feet that aren’t magenta. When Lorna storms out, Big Boo asks Nicky to start sleeping with Lorna again. Nicky says, “You only get one chance to break my heart”, adding, “Remember that, Vause”. Alex says her restraint is impressive for a junkie. Nicky says she had a mom who sent her to overnight camp when she was 3 so she mastered the art of shutting people off. Alex thinks she should go into training with Nicky, referring to shutting off Piper. Nicky remarks that it sucks but they can hope Piper gets fat and lets herself go to make it easier for Alex to do that.
Later in the chapel, Sophia shows Sister Ingalls a card she got from her son. She is very happy that her wife didn’t fake-sign it this time. She just wishes he’d talk to her, and Ingalls points out that he is starting to. Crazy Eyes asks them if they’re sure they gave her the right pageant part. When Ingalls says her voice resonates, Crazy Eyes says they’re right that she should put the past behind her and says, “no way that can ever happen again”, hinting that she may have had some experiences with stage fright.
Alex is visiting with Larry. He’s flustered on what to say to her. He asks how many times she’s going to mess up Piper’s life. Larry says Alex needs to stay away from Piper and she says, it's no problem... she is all yours. He is confused, remarking, “suddenly she’s all mine when you’ve been working her over this whole time?!” Alex is defensive, stating that Piper is the one who dragged her into the chapel and had sex with her, not the other way around. Alex said it surprised her too, as Piper was never the aggressor in the past. Alex says she can’t survive another ride on Piper’s merry-go-round and she’s done, adding that Larry seems to still be into it so he can enjoy the ride. He says it’s not a ride, they’re getting married. Alex asks why he is there and he says he wanted to meet her. She levels with him saying she understands that Piper is hot, she’s read everything, and is good in bed, but she is screwed up. Larry must know that too otherwise he wouldn’t be telling her to stay away. Alex says “I’m not your problem” and as she walks away he seems to be thinking that she’s right.
While Piper is showering. Pennsatucky and Leanne come up, threatening her whilst Angie blocks others from entering the bathroom. Piper wants to dry off so they can talk about the situation. Pennsatucky says she doesn’t want to talk, she wants Piper to feel the same pain on her body that Pennsatucky feels in her heart. She pulls out a razorblade showing its sharpness by cutting her own palm and smearing the blood on Piper’s chest. CO Donaldson enters the bathroom telling Pennsatucky and friends that they need to get out as this is not their assigned bathroom. Piper is terrified and washes some of the blood off. Taystee enters the bathroom and asks if Piper is OK. Piper replies, “No I’m not equipped to deal with this. I have to tell someone”. Taystee says Doggett is tiny and Piper can take her and to “stop being a bitch-ass bitch”. She also spots the blood and tells her to wash it off. Later that night, Taystee sleeps while Piper stays awake in fear.
In the night, Red sneaks off to the kitchen to sabotage it. She pours salt into the rice to ruin it and coats the inside of the ovens with grease. The next morning, Gina turns them on. Daya, Maritza, and Flaca practice their dance moves for the pageant while Bennett watches Daya. He yells at them to get back to work. Flaca says to chill out because it’s the holidays. In Spanish, Maritza says her boyfriend should lighten up which Daya says she understands and says he’s not her boyfriend. Bennett hears this and says don’t say anything to them. Just then Gina opens the ovens and her whole arm catches fire. Bennett grabs Daya in a protective embrace. Everyone is scared and Maritza grabs the fire extinguisher to put out the fire. Later Luscheck determines there are no electrical problems there so it was a grease fire. Caputo asks how bad Gina was burned and says Gloria needs to make sure the ovens are clean. Gloria states that she did clean them, but Caputo says "clearly not enough", and Gloria senses the sabotage. After everyone leaves, Bennett asks Daya if she is OK but both of them were scared. He rubs her face, then Caputo appears saying they have more to discuss. He wants Bennett to get a report about Gina’s injury and also asks about the drug situation getting put on file. Bennett explains his meeting with Fig and how she said not to file the report. Caputo is frustrated with this, saying she’s cutting off Bennett’s balls to protect her own. Caputo says he’ll file the report under his name.
Big Boo comes to Piper’s bunk with her early Christmas gift. It’s the missing screwdriver from "Imaginary Enemies". In Red’s bunk, Norma rips up her Secret Santa pick which says Red’s name. She is upset with Red for the kitchen fire. Red said says she never meant to hurt anyone especially Gina who’s her daughter. Norma throws the ripped up paper at Red and storms off. Nicky goes to Alex’s bunk to show her the gift she made for Lorna. It’s a collaged poster with Nicky and Lorna in the middle getting married as a joke surrounded by pictures of honeymoon destinations. Alex is making earrings for Nicky her Secret Santa pick. Nicky says it's supposed to be a secret. Alex says she’s not crafty, her earrings suck and she doesn’t know what to give to Nicky. Nicky says she knows what she wants for Christmas, and starts rubbing Alex’s leg. Alex smiles and puts Nicky's hand in her pants. They cover what they’re doing with Nicky’s poster.
Red is making another cup of noodles but decides to go to the cafeteria for food instead. The servers will not give her food (like what she had done to Piper and Alex at the beginning of the season) and Gloria stares her down, shaking her head.
Piper is on the phone with Larry and she says she got the marriage form but says she may not make it because Pennsatucky is trying to kill her. Larry asks how the drama just happens to keep finding her. He says he met Alex to tell her to stay away and that he was a real person she was hurting, but it turns out that Piper was the one doing the hurting. Piper tells him Alex is lying and that Alex is crazy and manipulative. Piper doesn’t like that he couldn’t trust her to handle the situation. He says he can’t be on her ride anymore because they don’t share the same values and he was in such a hurry just because he was afraid and you shouldn’t be with someone out of fear - repeating all the phrases his parents and Alex told him before. As Piper realizes what he is saying, she starts crying and repeats "no" over and over. Larry says he’s sorry and goodbye. The relationship is over. Piper is very upset and immediately goes crying to Alex who is still with Nicky. Alex is angry and says, ”Are you kidding me? Get out“. Piper then leaves, even more upset than before.
At the pageant, many inmates are there, including Piper, who looks upset and defeated. Many of the staff is there too. Fig tells Healy if he ever calls an inmate’s family again with his lesbian witch-hunt she will destroy him, his mail order bride will leave him and he’ll never work again. She also tells him to get some therapy. Susan Fischer is there out of uniform on her day off. Caputo brought her flowers and she introduces him to her boyfriend Steven, resulting in an awkward situation. The pageant starts and Black Cindy sings ‘Joy to the World’ with Taystee and Poussey on backup. Poussey then unexpectedly starts singing ‘Amazing Grace’, and everyone is surprised by her singing voice. Taystee and Black Cindy harmonize. We see Big Boo wearing her magenta socks from Lorna who is playing Mary in the play. Miss Rosa is playing Joseph who tells her to lay down. Flaca, dressed in elf ears and hat, makes a comment from the audience to hoots and hollers from the crowd. Pennsatucky is playing an angel. Next the whole group sings ‘I Saw the Light’ while Black Cindy plays piano. Crazy Eyes is supposed to step up for a solo but freezes completely in fear. As the crowd laughs at her, surprisingly, Norma saves her and starts singing well. Everyone is shocked as no one ever heard her voice before. Big Boo pushes her to the center and she continues to sing as everyone else joins in.
Piper is upset and leaves the chapel; Pennsatucky sees this and leaves the stage following her outside. Piper calls her crazy and says “you do not want to fight with me now”. Pennsatucky pulls out a sharpened wooden cross and says, "I don’t want to fight, I want to end you". Healy enters the yard and Piper points out that he's standing right there. Pennsatucky says hi to Healy, knowing he won’t interfere. Piper screams his name and says that Pennsatucky is trying to kill her, but Healy looks right at her, nods, and leaves, ignoring the situation. Pennsatucky begins slashing at Piper, and Piper pulls out her screwdriver and tells her to back off. Pennsatucky says she’s not scared because she has God by her side. She cuts Piper's hand, which is now bleeding and knocks the screwdriver to the ground. She calls Piper a she-devil and herself the angel of God. She declares that God doesn’t love Piper and that she’s not worthy of His love or anyone else's for that matter, and this words causes the previously terrified Piper to begin seething in anger. Pennsatucky decides the time has come for her to die and swings at her with the sharp cross. But Piper instinctively follows the advice of the other inmates and throws out a kick to the groin followed by an elbow to the head, which knocks the shiv out of Pennsatucky's hands and drops her to the ground. A now incensed Piper then mounts the downed Pennsatucky and proceeds to land several hard punches to her face, spilling blood and teeth on the snow. She continues to furiously and relentlessly punch her while Christmas music is playing in the background with the scene slowly fading into orange and the credits rolling. The fate of the two women ends on a cliffhanger.
- "Where in the Nativity story are we supposed to fit a juggler?"
- — Sister Ingalls to Sophia
- "And to use on of your own delightful phrases... 'Go fuck yourself.'"
- — Healy to Piper
- "I get it, Larry, she's a natural blonde. She's exotic for you. But exotic is for pets and vacations, it's not for making a life."
- — Howard Bloom
- "Now, Norma, I'll remind you again. It's a secret, so don't go blabbing all over camp."
- — Nicky Nichols to Norma
Special Guest StarsEdit
- The joke ending in the punchline "he's not an eggplant, he's retarded" is delivered by three different characters in three different episodes. This is he third out of three times the punchline was used, this time by Nicky. The other two times were by Red in "Tit Punch" and Cesar in [...]. The full joke has yet to be heard.
- When Piper encounters Healy regarding the marriage request form, he's eating onion flavored potato rings called "Funyuns".
- The full Bible verse Pennsatucky quotes is: Luke, 19:27, Jesus said, "But those, mine enemies, which would not that I should reign over them, bring hither, and slay them before me."